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How do in-laws interfere in our personal life?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anjalika400, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    My mil USED to TRY and control...

    -what my dh ate
    -what I cooked
    -what/when my dh was allowed to drink
    -what pooja crap we had to do
    -when we were/weren't allowed to go swimming
    -what color clothes my dh wore
    -what color clothes I wore
    -what color bangle I'd have to wear on which day
    -where everything was positioned in our house
    -which direction our bed faced
    -what color my curtains were
    -whether or not I could keep my pet cats
    -what days my dh should take a shower on
    -what time of day my dh should take a shower
    -how much money was sent to her
    -how many times per week my dh must call
    -when/where we had to throw coconuts in a river
    -when/where we had to throw limes in a river
    -when/where we had to release doves into the air
    -how much money we had to send back to India for temple
    -how much money we had to send back to India for her astrologer nonsense
    -which threads my dh had to wear on his wrist
    -which "auspicious" necklace my dh had to wear
    -when we were supposed to buy gold, and on which day
    -whether or not my dh could have sex with me and if so, how we should not get pregnant

    If that wasn't enough, she then humiliated me by saying...

    -how attractive my dh's ex wife was
    -how madly in love with her he was
    -how sexy their honeymoon suite was
    -how they were 'always' trying to get pregnant
    -how they were such cute and happy newlyweds
    -how awesome and perfect rajasthani people (like ex) are
    -how I'm fat compared to ex
    -how I'm not as educated as ex
    -how I don't have a prestigious job like ex
    -how my dh doesn't love me like ex
    -that dh and ex's wedding was grand and the best
    -that ex's wedding dress was beautiful and mine was just 'ok'
    -that ex's hair was perfect 'japanese straight'
    -that ex was hip and mod
    -that dh loved ex so much he tried to commit suicide after divorce (not true)
    -that the couple of diamonds I was given were the leftovers ex didn't want
    -that dh's ex's sis had HIV (not true) so I better watch out
    -that dh was going to divorce me
    -that I should divorce dh when he is at work because our marriage is bad
    -that dh hates girls who wear glasses (I need for reading school board)
    -that my marriage is based on nothing and mil's relationship is full of love
    -that my family hates me and dh's relationship (not true)
    -that the subject I was studying in college is stupid
    -that I don't keep my dh happy
    -that I have turned my dh into an old fat man
    -that I'm a nasty woman
    -that I'm violent and 'mad'
    -that my dh has made his decision to dump me (me and dh have no idea where this one came from)

    On top of the previously mentioned things, my mil has...

    -barged into our closed bedroom to try and hit me
    -demanded thousands of dollards for plain tickets and jewellery
    -stood outside my bedroom door at night saying "nasty woman"
    -got evicted from our apartment building for screaming and causing public disturbance (i.e. she would constantly scream at me... "MY SON! HE'S MY SON!")



    As you can see, my mil is a gem of a person. :bonk
     
    2 people like this.
  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Woww....sounds like I heard these tooo:crazy

    ASG

    Dont get me wrong..but I really had a hearty laugh with the way you listed them:biglaugh:biglaugh
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks SriVidya... now just imagine my mil SAYING them... she looks like a puffy bullfrog and her nostrils are huge and ever flaring. I laugh too. :rotfl

    Thankfully, most of the stuff she said is utter lies. As for 'old fat man'... what to do? Every year my dh turns a year older and he likes to eat. What do I have to do with either of those two? :biglaughYou know friends of my dh were visiting us the other day and said how my dh had lost weight and how young he looked, and I remember the insults my mil said and it really made me laugh at her. What a fool.

    My dh is so cute to me.... when I look at him, I think 'awww how sweet'. But my mil says when she looks at pics of him now that he's married to me, her and sil "weep". Makes me wonder... are we looking at two different guys???? :bonk
     
  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    ASG dear, you should let go of the past, no matter how hurtful they are. Thinking about it will no way help your healing process. You should forget the frog and think about the prince and the beautiful life in hand now !!
     
  5. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    ASG, Had a hearty laugh reading this.

    Forget the past (I know it is hard) and look forward to a happy future while enjoying every moment of the present.....

    BTW, what was your dh's response to whatever she spoke about the ex wife or did she say all that rubbish when he was not there?


    Sunitha
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Nandhu. As time goes on, these memories become more faint. Even to reply to this thread I had to really think to remember all the things that had happened. Before I used to think of these things constantly, it was like I couldn't turn my brain 'off'. But now it is pretty much out of sight out of mind. I remember when I came to this site for the first time, I was hurting so bad, my heart literally was feeling stressed. But now I don't feel that pain anymore. Letting go of the past has really helped my relationship with dh a lot... it's something I'm still learning to do. It's like before I was looking out a window always wishing I were outside, now, I feel like I live outside all the time. It's a happy place to be. Lot of credit is owed to my dh for putting a stop to the list mentioned above and not bringing his mom's negativity into our home. It took both of us to overcome these issues. Even today mil still says nasty things, but none of those things made the list... because I don't bother to remember anything new she has said. :thumbsup
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hey Sunitha,

    She said that stuff when he was not around (of course). And I took that stuff so much to heart when I was newly married, that I didn't bother to tell him right away because I didn't want to hear the 'truth' from him that he loved his ex more than me. So, my mil realized she could walk all over me and so she kept saying crap for the whole 1/2 of year she was living with us. And I like an idiot kept believing.

    Eventually I told my dh when our relationship began deteriorating... and when mil asked to come for a second visit. So I told him EVERYTHING.

    When my dh is mad, he has a wicked temper... and boy was he mad. He really shouted at her, called her a liar, told her that she had no right to try to take me away from him and that she should stay out of our lives forever and that he loved me more than anyone in the world. After about a year of no talking, I told him he should at least call and inquire about his dad and stuff. So now they talk briefly, but my dh is just not close to them at all anymore.

    Even though he stood up for me, my insecurity really hurt our marriage in the first year or so. I felt sick to my stomach thinking of their honeymoon suite and wedding day and all that. I posted a thread on that earlier in this forum, so I'd rather not go into the sickening details again, but you can search for it if you're interested. Got a lot of helpful tips from the ladies here on how to move on with my life. :)

    Today I could care a crap about how my dh felt for his ex or anything else because I'm SO secure in the love we share NOW, TODAY, in the PRESENT. I'd like to think my darkest days are behind me and the best is yet to come. :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
  8. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly!You have put it in a very polished and dignified way.If only the men knew to strike a balance btwn their wife and parents, the marriage life would be much better.
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,,ppl are able to forgive and forget coz u are not living with ur in-laws and have a nuclear family..But there are a lot of women in india who live in joint families and are constantly tormented by in-laws..Under one roof u cant hide much from them.. MILs are great politicians, they set the trap even before DIL comes to their home..Especially in arranged marriages it takes time for the husband and wife to understand each other..Every attempt of the son and DIL to understand each other will be foiled by in-laws either by interfering or by giving a negative view to that..for eg : when i tried to go out with my husband, my SIL would join us to spy on me..If i told SIL to stay back, DH would get annoyed and misunderstand me..
    This way systematically in-laws are able to break the bond between husband and wife.. The husband though grown up and matured cannot guage the politics played by his blood relatives coz he trusts them more than his wife..Also, another emotional game they play is by often reminding their son that they have given up a lot for his upbringing and he owe's his parents alot.
    Ps: I am speaking of a typical Indian joint family and arrange marriages. In arrange marriages u can hardly know ur in-laws to anticipate their wickedness, they would obviously behave nicely in front of all the relatives..
     
  10. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    in my opinion its telephone calls which give the way to such comments/complaints..... but, what i have seen is irrespective of whether we live with inlaws or are in a different house some how these differences come up..... i guess,those who want to create problems will anyway create them:bonk

    Neha S
     

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