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How Do I Understand Who Is Friend Or Foe

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by SuiDhaaga, Jan 24, 2022.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    In past years I had difficulty telling who is my friend, who is my foe.

    If I thought someone was a foe (even though they were actually friend) I would be disrespectful.

    If I thought someone was friend (even though they were foe) Inwoukd get trampled on and I would only realize when it is too late.

    As a band aid approach, if I think someone is foe, I keep my distance, but still act polite (why burn bridges)

    Most of my adult life was destroyed by this.

    I don’t know if it can ever be salvaged.

    This is deep sadness that gets at the root of human anger, aggression, defensiveness.



    Here is how I am trying to fix my life
    - Study for cert to get higher post and meet a like-minded professional at work. Believe it or not, people ,eat snd marry from work, it happens naturally
    - Meditate at least once a day (24 minutes at a time is my sweet spot for now)
    - Write in both poetry on IL


    I feel sad and troubled looking back at my life. Next new moon is more than a week away (Feb 1, 2022) yet I am feeling this turbulence.

    Please give solutions.
     
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  2. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

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    I will share my views about friends whereas foe is just opposite of it

    1. Friends always listen to you and respond to you even if you blabber anything
    2. You both will spend quality time together instead of it being one sided
    3. Friends mentions your flaws to you not to others or infront of others
    4. They will stop you from doing anything wrong and tries explaining it to you
    5. They never backstab you
    6. They will be there for you whenever you need them and treat your family with love

    As for as me,
    Apart from IL, if I am new to any place I will be silent for sometime to know about others before letting them know about me
     
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @SuiDhaaga - Why do you think you are unable to decide if someone is a friend or not? If it is because of some preconceived notion about the person based on factors such as age, gender, race etc, then maybe you should learn to spot unconscious biases in your outlook. We all have such biases based on past experiences or upbringing etc. It’s always good to give a person the chance to prove themselves.

    If you have trouble learning from social cues, then maybe you can use your past experiences and learn from them. What finally made you believe the person is actually a friend? What gave you the feeling that someone isn’t a well wisher? There is also a set of people who are neither. They are just acquaintances. It’s a good thing to know where to draw the line with them.

    I have a large group of people I call friends but my inner circle is very small. Those are my close friends and the others are just acquaintances. Don’t confuse the two.

    I don’t think your life is destroyed. It’s a learning experience. Everyone develops these skills differently. I’ve always been the person with no filters and no clue who is a well wisher and who isn’t. It took years of adulting to get to a point where I’m now aware of what and how much to divulge to whom. Even now, I falter. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    Don’t base all your life on the moon phases. A poster mentioned it in passing. It’s not going to impact you this way each new moon. I would say don’t look at these things and increase your worry. Whatever has to happen will happen. Let’s live this one life we’ve got to the fullest without worrying about things we have no control over.
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    You don’t need to try too hard..

    Just maintain boundaries.

    Secondly, do not ignore your instinct and then observe the person.

    Never give a clue or too much information about yourself to anyone.

    Lastly..be your best friend and lessens expectations and attachments with others.

    If things happen fine else also fine

    Problem is never in the relationships but our expectations and attachments of how things and people should be is the real problem.Detach and all will be better
     
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  5. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    These are great tips

    The best one is to stay silent to know about others before letting them know about you.
     
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  6. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    No preconceived notion based on one’s background —— or maybe that was a factor in my judgement. Esp American culture vs traditional Desi culture.

    Yiu are correct … so far I only rely on last experience. If I’m thrown a curveball, I have to try my best.

    I felt my life was destroyed because it took different path that led to bad things happening. For instance I would have found someone on my own to marry instead of disastrous arranged marriage.

    But who knows what would have happened if I took that path of finding someone on my own!

    It will take years of adulting to figure these things our with less faltering.

    Ok,I won’t go solely on moon phases. We are lacking a scientific connection, perhaps it depends on the person’s birth details, etc.

    Bur I’ll certainly try to spot patterns in interactions with others, my feelings, how I respond, etc.

    Thank you so much for your post.
     
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  7. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Boundaries.

    I guess when I was desperate for friendship, I let my boundaries be stepped on.

    I’m learning to enjoy my own company. Even at work, if someone if one oldie is our if office , the others enquirer. But if I am out of office (I was on before starting due to bad knee), no one asks where I was, what happened.

    From this behavior, I see where I stand, and I respond accordingly.
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Seeking external validation, Expectations and over attachments for anything beyond a point is not good for our self worth or happiness.

    Change will and can only happen if we begin to understand our faults and work towards it.

    We need to start seeing our positives and stop comparing lives.Why she has this relationship and I don’t or why she or he has this luxury and I don’t is a waste of time and energy.

    We are all complete the way we are.Tring too hard or being desperate for anything is a recipe for disaster.

    Happiness is a choice.Counting our blessings,doing things we really love to do and accepting what we cannot change will go a long way.

    More than anything..one has to be comfortable with who they are and that is important.
     
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  9. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you
    Yeah it's better to know them first
     
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  10. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    And also, answer questions to the point.

    I had this experience at work today!
     
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