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How Do I Manage The Hatred Feeling Towards My Husband ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Nov 24, 2020.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    I’m worried about my relationship. Our relationship is going downhill and I have given up on my husband . I feel hatred towards him and this is all because of In-laws and how he allows them to create drift between us . He always prioritized his duties as son over a husband and it has come to a point where I do not trust him at all and have no respect for him and even feel that I need to protect myself from him and his family( not that there is any physical abuses but emotionally / mentally , these people have done a lot of harm to me in 15 years now )
    He’s good father and that’s why I want to keep going . He’s a good person overall but something happens to his brain and logic when it comes to his parents and sister .
    He does a lot for his parents and expects me do the same as well. If I dnt do things full heartedly for them , then he creates these situations where he makes my life hell . I slog like a maid , I wirk like a chauffeur for his parents and still there is always something that I miss and these people are never happy.
    Now I have changed and I dnt do much for them and of course it’s getting worse .

    My husband does not tell me His mind to me and tells me things only when needed especially when it comes to his family . For eg anything related to his parents or sister , he will pretend to forget and not tell me but of course he will make it a big deal when they need pitty and he will make them as big bechaaras in front of me
    For eg : he will not mention that he wants to get his parents greencard done and was talking to his parents to get the marriage certificate etx ready but he conveniently did not tell me that he’s getting them have the certificate ready and preparing everything in advance . he did not mention anything about his sisters husband changing the jobs but have been talking to him behind my back in regards to his change of jobs and how that will affect their greencard etx .. till date he did not even mention that to me ( I saw it through WhatsApp messages on his phone )
    But his parents have stomach ache and he will make sure to come and tell me how they are suffering and not able to eat and digest and how it could be a big thing related to some other big illness ..

    On the other hand I believe in speaking my mind especially with husband . If I dnt want to live with I laws , I told him that I do not feel comfortable . And he has started to hide more from me and plan things in his mind
    This has caused a big gap in our relationship especially from my side . I just hate my husband for always thinking and putting his parents:sister before me . What I like does not matter , how am I treated by them does not matter , how much I will slog does not matter to him at all
    I have this negative emotions towards him now for months and I dnt know what can I do to respect him. I literally do not respect him at all and feel that he is there to hurt me and I have to stand up for myself against him and his parents . He does not even freely let me do anything for my parents . For eg , greencard has to be done for only his parents and not my parents because ima girl and he’s a boy with his parents responsibilities .I course when I stand up for this there is a big fight . I hate his thinking , I hate his parents/ family. I hate that he fights with me so much , I hate that he wants everything done as per what he wants and created troubles for me when I stand up for myself ... he is good with kids and care for them for sure . He takes good care for kids and that is something that I really appreciate . I want to stay in this marriage but I’m not sure how to be happy . Separation is not an option as he is good with kids abd he is good with me when I blindly do seva for his family . So when I dnt complain and keep doing for his family he loves it and is nice to me . But after 15 years , I dnt want to blindly worship his parents , I see what they do , I see how they manipulate him and situations and their age to their advantage , I see how my mil wants to control my house and I dnt want to give the control to her ( this is my house : I worked hard 15 years to built it) I will not bend over now after being independent and done everything myself

    what do I do ? I’m just unhappy and get this hatred feeling for my husband
    Time is so changing : earlier I used to feel hatred towards my In-laws and used to think that they cause trouble and now I feel hatred towards my husband because he’s the root cause and he allows in-laws to do such extreme things . It’s because of him they are able to manipulate and hurt me so much
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2020
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  2. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    The very same story from my side. The difference is you are in US and i am in india. My PIL did all drama to make their son come back to india and settle and he did. They thought they won.
    Ok, coming to solution:
    It will be very hard but please take it positive because you dont want to break with him. What I have learnt i am sharing below.
    1. Please accept him as he is for some years. These type of Hs will never change unless we put an extra effort to make things work. We know it will not be possible to change certain factors in him and his family. Play low until he understands you atleast upto some extent. This may take years but no option.
    2. Count his positives and do not discuss anything or complain about his parents to him even though they provoke you. IGNORE them completely even if they are physically present in front of you. Maintain very little conversation with them.
    3. Many people are not fortunate enough to get an "understandable and all good" partner. More importantly, self pity and comparing our life with others should not be there. This will create more unpleasantness in us. So, we have to learn to make ourselves happy in any situation. If we get that maturity, god will definitely bless us someday.

    Initially it will be tough. But you will get used to this over time. But dont think that life is gone. No. Time will teach ur H everything and we have to be low till we get a hold. Try to make ur environment as peaceful as possible. Vent whatever u have in mind only with ur parents but not with anyone. Keep ur life "private". Venting ur problems to nearby friends or cousins will never be helpful. out of 10, atleast 8 people will get satisfied when u have things go wrong. If you live well happily and express this, people around you will not be convenient and some will be jealous. When you are not happy, people will be normal and advice you to be strong. This is our society. These are my lessons from what i have learnt in life. There are good people exceptionally, but we may not know who is good and who is bad internally. So, PATIENCE is the key. I am advising you because you have mentioned that you dont want to break the married life.
    Just an exmaple, quote
    When you want to go out, go out with ur ILS family and ur H twice. Third time, u express to ur H that u want to go out with H and kids alone. See if this strategy works for you. We have to make very slow steps to make us understand. If you strictly avoid ur ILs family, everything will turn against you.
    In order to have a hold, we have to be a silencer. Otherwise, ur life will be spoiled.
    And finally, do not hate ur H. It is like spoiling the foundation of a building....You have told that he is good at certain things...Accept him as he is and he will understand you one day, i believe. When u get that hold, then ur life will be in ur hands.
    Best wishes.
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    By living your life to the fullest.

    You have posted similar threads for the last few years, but again no change.

    The problem from your side

    1) you are unable to stand for yourself or your rights
    2) you expect some wonder that change your husband
    3) you know why he is arguing or fighting but you try to participate instead of ignoring it.
    4) you are aware that you are fighting a battle ( his love for his family) that you will never win
    5) you have failed to set the boundary.
    6) so far you have not taken any action that give him the impression that you mean business . He never faced any consequences.

    Your husband- controlling and manipulative.
    He hides things because he dont want to see your negative response. He think its his family matter and you dont have anything to do with it. Good dad, son and can be a good husband only when you yield to his wishes

    What you can do when divorce or separation is not an option. Try to make your stay happy.
    If you want lovely marriage, then try to be smarter person find a mid ground and adjust with the reality. Dont take his interaction with family to your heart. Try to improve your relationship with him. Dont stop contact with pils but limit talk and interaction with them . Enjoy your life with kids. Remove pil issue from your mind. Dont allow it to affect your peace of mind. You can try counseling to vent your feelings. Your pils are not with you. So just listen, leave it through other ear and do what you want.

    If you hate him, its negative for you or your health. This hatred will increase gap between you and spoil your marriage. I dont know how you can behave normally with such a strong negative feeling.

    If your mind is not in this marriage for now and you are staying only for kids then...only then try the following. It may also to get you a better idea yourselves, give some time. The following won't improve your relationship with husband. But if you want to be in this marriage as a single mom or just want to survive, then you can try

    1) accept situation and think how you can be happy. May be better to detach from him.
    2) take a break from this marriage. Tell him you stay in the house for kids and do usual stuff,dont want him in your life for a while . Dont expect anything from you or try to control you.
    3) take a break from his family. Stop interacting. Its his family, let him take care.
    4) ignore his tantrums, as a deaf person. Do not change your facial expression and keep doing what you are doing. Silence is the best reaction.
    5) he can be in your kids life but not in your life.
    6) do what you want to do and focus on you and kids.
    7) if you are not working it may be a good idea to brush up your skills and try to find one that will give you some confidence. Find hobbies and be busy so that you don't have time to think about the issues
    8) think about yourself and find ways to enjoy your life as a single mom. Be happy
    9) do what you think is right. If you want to visit your parents do. Just inform him. Dont give up your plans when he stop.
    10) stop asking permissions or waiting for approval. Do what you want. Just inform, dont ask for his opinion. You need to toughen up. Make yourself your top priority. If he dint want to be part of your plans, do or go yourself.

    Warning! think and do what you want..
    You can not control others,but you can control yourself. If you don't do your part,you will be venting it here again.

    Hugs to you OP, your destiny is in your hands ,do your part. I hear you. Giving suggestions is very easy, but making it a reality is in your hands.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2020
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  4. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel it is ur MILs insecurity that she will be ignored and u will be given importance because she is in ur house. Just keep the rope loose initially to make her satisfied. Ignore her nasty behaviour, if she has... If the family is doing injustice and harm to you, keep calm as of now and pray god. U will have a situation to hit hard when situations become weak for them. God will turn the table anytime.. Hitting hard means even if they have a weak situation, help them...At that situation, i swear, ur H will start to hear and do what you say....This will be the worst punishment they face.. Sorry i am not a bad person, but we should not be judged badly and no one has any right to destroy our self esteem unnecessarily. Some families will realize only late...
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2020
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  5. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Other ILites has give very good input, I was partially in your situation, the measures I took to come out of this feeling are:
    - Absolute 'ZERO' expectation from ILs (Parents-in-laws/SILs and their families), I pre-occupied with my life as busier as I can in many ways, I dont have time to think how they are communicating with DH, what their expectations, what they are asking for and so on..
    - I gained confidence from my DH in managing our household finances/Investments/savings and I put a percentage of amount just to spend on ILs (we both are informed with this regard). My PILs are completely dependent on us even for monthly expenses, so I accepted the fact of supporting them in all scenarios-> Health to trips.
    - He sometimes try not to convey me some of the details like buying land or such but I dont show any interest in that last min "INFO" either, because I am content with what I have and I can grow with what I have with time/career and so on. So no expectation in this as well.
    - Whenever I spoke to PILs, they share only "ILLNESS" they are going through, how they are growing old and cannt do anything, having pain and so... I just listen, give some caring advise-> visit doctor/take meds/eat good food/take rest, that is all. They never share this with DH/SILs.

    In your scenario as you are going through almost 15yrs and still have these feeling, I think you need a professional help or mind cleansing or detaching yourself and meditate for peace if you still want to continue the relationship.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2020
  6. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Your story is exactly same like mine only i am tolerating this non sense for more than 20 years now. I regret for not putting my foot down or not doing marriage counseling before. U have to be strong and bold and set some ground rules. Tell him if he want to save marriage he should not talk to you or expect from you anything which u don’t like. U will do your duties towards kids and he should do same. He should not force u to involve u in his parents or siblings at all. Don’t stay depressed otherwise u will get some chronic illness for lifelong because of stress. Tell him u are ready for divorce then he will wake up and not take u for granted. Many Indian guys r living in 19 century they need reality check often.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    No. You allow them to create the drift.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2020
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  8. drdiva

    drdiva Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello dear
    You are lucky that u got some very gud and point wise solutions for your problems.
    Manyatimes i dont get such response in IL.
    Now coming to your problem..i think this is the problem with majority of indian women ..The key to happiness lies in how you respond and handle..
    I understand ur hatred towards your husband but then you only say that ur inlaws are manipulative ..these PIL are too good at emotional blackmailing
    and getting husbands to do what they want..so having negativity toward ur husband who is being manipulated will not give u peace of mind..So as other Ilites have suggested just focus on urself and
    Your kids for now and put your DH on ignore mode..
    And you are not ready for seperation but u can always threaten him about seperation and divorce..and rectify him
    Sadly most indian men need this ..
    Gud luck and hugs to you ..plz do follow what you have been suggested..you have received very good responses .
     
  9. Nuzhath

    Nuzhath Silver IL'ite

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    I think you have got enough responses. Like someone suggested below, you first have to talk to a counsellor. Hatred is a bitter pill -eventually, you may starting hating your kids as well.

    Thanks!
     

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