1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How do I handle this?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SunnyShine, Jun 3, 2010.

  1. SunnyShine

    SunnyShine New IL'ite

    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ILs,

    I have a problem and need your valuable suggestions.

    Let me tell you about my family. I am married and my husband is a great guy. I have moved to the US after my marriage. My parents and bro stay in India in different cities.

    My bro has completed his masters and is working now. He is a highly independent person. He is very intelligent and loves to have fun. He is financially very well off and often makes fun trips to various countries.

    Now about my parents. They were born in rural parts of South India. With the financial support of their uneducated parents, they did their education. Both of them are highly educated. One of them is working and the other one has retired. They are very well off too.
    They are loving parents and have done so much for me and my bro. But the prob is my dad is very short tempered. He is a perfectionist and expects everybody to be like him. My mom is so much used to it that she does not bother.

    He also speaks whatever runs through his head.. without even considering the feelings of others. He can be very hurtful sometimes. Also, he always feels he is right.
    But by heart is a very nice person.. he helps poor people a lot.. He gets so emotional when he sees underprivileged people and always wants to help them.

    When i was growing up (in my teens), I did not like being scolded every time. I used to fight with him and I have felt bad for being his daughter. He does not understand that whenever he scolds or fights, it has an impact. He used to scold me badly for silly things and then talk to me normally after that. And I used to have a tough time dealing with it.

    My bro and I never used to discuss on how we felt about the entire situation.

    Recently, my bro has started opening up to me. He says he knows they love him and all that, but he just is not able to tolerate what is going on. Whenever he visits my parents, the usual scolding my mom,bro for silly things happens and he feels frustrated. He does not feel like visiting them often cos he has no peace of mind there. He does not want to hurt them so he tells them he has work and avoids visiting them. He goes to my parents house once in 2 or 3 months.

    And my dad can be annoying at times. For eg - my bro had visited them and he left his laptop unlocked in his room. My dad who went to his room, was just using it. My bro did not notice it. There were some pics that he had taken with his friends. And my dad happened to see them. There was a girl in few pics with my bro and my dad asked him if it is girl friend (they are looking out a girl for him and are okay if he chooses one for himself) He got pissed off mainly because my dad was looking into his laptop and secondly because he asked him if its his girlfriend. There was a fight.

    My dad called me and told me about it. he said "don't I have the right to look into his laptop/camera or wallet?" I said - NO. My bro is all grown up and he needs his privacy too. My dad couldn't accept this. I dint argue with him. I din't know how to make him understand that just because we are his kids, it does not mean that we need to tell him everything and have no privacy.

    My mom feels very bad that my bro does not visit them often and cries to him. He tells me that he is fed up of this drama. He very well understands that they love him but he just feels suffocated.

    Talking to my mom separately will not work as she cannot keep anything to herself. Whatever we tell her goes to my dad the next second! :(

    I just feel soooooo bad.. I want all of us to be happy. They have accomplished so much in life and i want them to have a peaceful retired life.

    How do I handle this? I feel bad for my parents and for my bro.. I cry almost everyday .. cos I feel parents are just left out.. My husband feels bad for me and says we'll move back to India in a couple of years.

    My bro visiting my parents will make them happy.. but he is not too happy when my father is always shouting for stupid silly things.

    Sorry for the long post.
     
    Loading...

  2. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    561
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    SunnyShine,

    I can understand how you feel. I believe anyone who can be professional at work, can deal with dominating parents without conflicts. Say you are working in a nice company, well paying job, good incentives, etc... Only problem is your boss is short tempered. Do you quit the job because of one negative thing?? No, you try to do your job as best as you can and try not to get into conflicts with the boss. Right??

    Same is the case with short-tempered parents. We can not change elderly people. They are set in their ways. If we can avoid them, no problem. But we can not avoid parents. Even if we do, we will feel awful within our hearts, if not today, may be tomorrow.

    Your father loves you and your brother. He means well but his negative point is his bad temper. Your brother avoiding to visit them is wrong. He himself will feel awful someday. Tell him to look at your dad as his superior at work (assuming he doesn't go fighting with his superiors when they yell at him), then he shouldn't have a problem with your dad either.

    Instead of visiting them once in 2-3 months and spending a whole day, he can visit them multiple times in a month but for short periods (2-3 hours per visit). Hopefully, your father may not get a chance to yell in those couple of hours. Your mom will be happy too. You, on your part can call them often, even if its for a few minutes. That way you won't feel bad either. Its all in the perspective, the way you look at the problem.
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,086
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Sunny, frankly speaking a sister can barely handle this situation.
    There's a man in his 50/ 60s who cant change his ways anymore and there's a young man in 20s who cant take it anymore.

    Best way for them is to come to an understanding and stay at a distance.
    Yes a mother's heart aches when she's not the one at fault to be churned along with the wheat.. however best she can do is accept the fact.

    My dad and bro share the same love n hate relationship, dad doesn't scream or hit but is highly organized/planned and a perfectionist and bro a complete reverse... for a long time there was a setup in our home when he shall enter home only for a duration when dad wasn't around and mom made merry of that. He shall scream if dad placed his 8 day old undie for washing :bonk... and how uncomfy he was in a clean room and bathroom all a courtsey my dad... this cleanliness drive included throwing away his bttls and cigg packs.. which he paid thru nose at times... he took up all that in his hi-fi graduation course.

    Now he tries to club his visits when am around for an easier communication, even during his marriage he required my assistance to sneak out of the hotel and on n off... dad is learning his lessons in his own sweet time but yes its sinking in to learn to give SPACE. All you can do is offer more emotional support to your dad and keep reminding that he can slow down.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2010
  4. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    I hope that's therapeutic! You need to find something more worthwhile to do, really!

    A dad yelling at his kids India is a big deal? Really? What planet are you on? It happens in almost all homes! We had a name for it for it in our home: 'SOLO'. When the dad is in a solo mood we just go deaf...that's it. No big deal. When my dad after a while comes and asks us if he had been tough on us, we just tell him that he is just being a 'good dad'. Just part of the job! Not a big deal! If dads don't yell at kids who will?

    I have no sympathy for your story! Sorry! Yeah he shouldn't have looked into your brother's laptop. But my dad is also like that. He considers himself Sherlock Holmes! And we are all his subjects, go figure!

    I stopped writing my diary at the age of 17 because my dad read it and cautioned me about the girl in it (his boss's daughter!)! A very important lesson learned!:)

    Even now, he thinks he needs to know all things about his kids. He is so happy if we share anything with him. It makes him feel so close to us. I see a fear in him that he is losing the proximity with us as we grow up and leave. So nowadays when I visit India I tell him about my life, finances and stuff more than he needs to know just to see his contented face and that he is still in touch with me. He is happiest if I tell him something and tell him that he is the only one who knows and he should not tell anybody :) Boy it makes my day to see his happiness.

    C'mon you are making a mountain of a molehill!
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2010
  5. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,614
    Likes Received:
    1,421
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Sunny,

    I can feel ur heart.... All of us long for a happy and peaceful life... some way or other something comes on the way!!!

    This situation of urs is very common, may be prevails in many of our families.... I have a friend, going home for him is a nightmare for a similar situation like ur bro, though he respects his parents limitlessly and do not forget to express his gratitude to them whenever such an occasion comes...

    It is ok that ur bro expresses his feelings to u, after all he needs to open it up to make himself feel better. And often we find it difficult to discuss about (or against) our parents to our friends, but our siblings.... So take it in that spirit. Don't get carried away and try to do something for it.

    Believe me u really can not do anything here. It is DIFFICULT to change people, and that too at this age. And after all u people love ur parents. It is their own sweet ways to bring up their children and whatever aged we children become, the age gap remains same with the parents. Sometimes the parents even forget that their children are grown up and they need to change their behaviour and expectations from them!!

    It is good that ur bro stays away from the parents. So it is just a few days' matter to bear with every time he visits home. So what a big deal.... I think we can bear with a little of this situation thinking how much our parents have done for us and how much they love us
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2010
  6. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,555
    Likes Received:
    101
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Male
    Perhaps she did. But, I'll tell you this sarma - You have a Take it Easy policy in life (based on several of your posts in IL). Good for you, thats actually helpful to you in many things I see.

    However, I dont think everyone can adopt the Take it Easy policy for things - people are different :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2010
  7. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    I realize that. Sometimes people have to be told that what they are going through is not unique to them. Often it helps for them to feel that it's no big deal. Otherwise people tend to look at their situations in a magnifying glass.

    Some times you are a better friend to tell to 'chill it' than to offer a shoulder to cry on. Usually it helps people to get a perspective on what they think is their unique crisis.
     
  8. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,555
    Likes Received:
    101
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Male
    Fair enough.
     
  9. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Sunnyshine having an understanding husband who doesn't blow his tops and who shows empathy when you share your sorrow everyday is your biggest plus.I understand you want to do something to improve the situation.
    Why dont you and your brother have a light talk with your dad and let him know how you feel/felt growing up.Iam sure Dad's have a different approach towards daughters when they are married and he might take your inputs.
     
  10. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Between don't forget to shower your dad with praises on his virtue and how you and your brother hold him in high regard .This might help him to mellow down and look at your point.All the praises would soothe him and he will not atleast get angry instantly.
     

Share This Page