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How Do I Handle This

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022.

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Jan 29, 2022 #11

stayblessed Platinum IL'ite

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Srama said: ↑

Dear Stayblessed,

School counselor is the way to go - they can help the student without even letting the parent know intially. She certainly needs help from an adult than a peer. Your DD while is very good hearted will begin to feel the pressure if she is not abel to help. Either she can coax her friend to see the counselor or perhaps you can meet with the counselor to see if you can alert the counselor and get the child some help. If the counselor sees a need for a therpaist, perhaps then she may have to reach to the parents for insurance purposes. School counselor is the way to go. My heart beats even as I respond to you and I am truly, as a teacher very grateful for students and parents who watch out for another. Your daughter is awesome - do tell her that!
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Thanks a lot Srama. Unfortunately my daughter's school doesn't have one. Yes I feel sad for the kid too. I am afraid to take any step. Whatever I do it should help the kid instead of pushing her further in to any mess. My husband says me to speak to the class teacher but I don't know how things would take a turn after that. I dont know if there is any sure shot way which will not put her in to any trouble but would only help her.

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #12

stayblessed Platinum IL'ite

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Mistt said: ↑

Very sensitive issue and my heart goes out to that girl. I don't have any suggestion but it is not good idea to tell her mom as that girl doesn't have good relation with her mom and I guess her mom can't understand her daughter's issue easily. I hope she finds right person to solve her troubles.
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True I doubt that too. I dont want to complicate things further for the girl. I don't know their parents side of the story either

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #13

stayblessed Platinum IL'ite

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Caide said: ↑

I think you should meet her in person. Not to discuss about this issue but to know whether it really is happening. I am not saying your DD is wrong, it's better to look into it in adults view than from children's view. Their are still young and still have more to learn. After confirming you try to talk with her first than with her parents. And suicidal thoughts should never be ignored and parents/teachers should b addressed about it. Don't keep it to yourself

As of now, you can ask your daughter relax little bit and not to think it over as she has come this far without her friendship. So she can continue to do the same being strong. First to make her have lunch is more important. I think your DD can share her lunch or make her eat hers. And better to have little chat here or there atleast once week about class change for term would give her good heads up.
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Thanks Caide. True I don't know her parents side of the story. Yes I told my daughter the same that she should encourage her to have her lunch and not skip it. Her friend knows that they aren't going to be in the same class next year. They have chosen different groups.

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #14

stayblessed Platinum IL'ite

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1Sandhya said: ↑

If it’s possible I’d inform someone in the school. If not possible I would just keep quiet and worry about my kid.
I probably sound harsh but with teen girl drama you never know. How much is true, how much is for attention, what the history is etc etc. So I would not get into it. Another red flag is your kid is new to the school. And this person has glommed onto her. I feel your kid is lonely and vulnerable being the new kid. Since you have no idea of the history don’t get into it.

Actually I’m more concerned about what you said about your dd. And you should be too. You should help her cut off the contact with this person, and assist her with her feelings of being pressured and somehow responsible for this young woman’s problems. Grade 10 is a delicate age, kids have enough problems with academics and face a lot of pressure in high school no matter which country. Your kid doesn’t need this added drama in her life from this girl. I would focus more on guiding her.
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Thanks Sandhya for a different peespective. Will try to think in this angle too.

Last edited: Jan 29, 2022

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

stayblessed, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #15

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stayblessed said: ↑

Thanks Caide. True I don't know her parents side of the story. Yes I told my daughter the same that she should encourage her to have her lunch and not skip it. Her friend knows that they aren't going to be in the same class next year. They have chosen different groups.
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I mean before meeting or knowing her parents perspective. I think you should know about her more

Caide, Jan 29, 2022

Caide, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #16

indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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Yes I feel student councellor will be the best thing to do. I think you should just inform them and they will handle it the way it should be!

indubalram, Jan 29, 2022

indubalram, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #17

Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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Ignoring or keep silent isn't a humanity when we know someone has suicidal thoughts. Please at least inform her dad as that girl said he may understand and i think you or your husband can do that. Take care of your daughter too as she needs your support and confidence to handle that pressure.

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Mistt, Jan 29, 2022

Mistt, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #18

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Hi @stayblessed From my personal experience please call the parent and talk to them directly. We only know what the child is saying and we don’t know anything from parents perspective. some teenage kids feel parents are pushy or consider parents as enemies. from an outsider perspective we actually don’t know what exactly the issue is. Call the parent and talk to them neutrally asap. Handling this requires great caution as it will affect both the kids involved. it will be extreme stress for your daughter as well. but before you talk to the parent explain your daughter that u have to do this for other kids safety and appreciate her for being honest and open with you. This requires timely intervention. again Why I am saying this is you don’t want to be the parent standing next to
the daughter calling the cops when something terrible happens. been there done that … sorry for being blunt. Take care and hope the issue is addressed soon.

Last edited: Jan 29, 2022

jskls, Jan 29, 2022

jskls, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #19

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I believe its better to inform someone in their school. If you are in USA, contact school counsellor. If that option is not available in your country, then contact their class teacher (home room teacher) and seek their opinion on how to deal with this situation. But keep her extreme personal stuff to you. Seems like your DD is affected by these events and want to help her friend. Give her confidence that you will try your best to help her friend. Involve her in your discussion. You know only one side of the story. Hope her friend gets help as soon as possible. Also, support your daughter to get out of this mess.

Last edited: Jan 29, 2022

DDream, Jan 29, 2022

DDream, Jan 29, 2022

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Jan 29, 2022 #20

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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1Sandhya said: ↑

If it’s possible I’d inform someone in the school. If not possible I would just keep quiet and worry about my kid.
I probably sound harsh but with teen girl drama you never know. How much is true, how much is for attention, what the history is etc etc. So I would not get into it. Another red flag is your kid is new to the school. And this person has glommed onto her. I feel your kid is lonely and vulnerable being the new kid. Since you have no idea of the history don’t get into it.
Click to expand...

Actually I’m more concerned about what you said about your dd. And you should be too. You should help her cut off the contact with this person, and assist her with her feelings of being pressured and somehow responsible for this young woman’s problems. Grade 10 is a delicate age, kids have enough problems with academics and face a lot of pressure in high school no matter which country. Your kid doesn’t need this added drama in her life from this girl. I would focus more on guiding her.
Click to expand...

stayblessed said: ↑

Thanks Sandhya for a different peespective. Will try to think in this angle too.
Click to expand...

Stayblessed, Sandhya has raised many important points to keep in mind. Please think long and hard about those before speaking to the girl's parents or any adult in the school. Adding a few things to what Sandhya wrote:

- Your compassion for the other girl is kind, but your primary concern at all times should be your daughter and her wellbeing.
- Your main focus now should be how to help your daughter deal with a friend like this. Teenager burdened with a friend's problem and being that friend's sole support is a common problem and you can find some good articles on the internet.
- Above all, do not take any steps that will alienate your daughter from you. Something was troubling your daughter and she shared it with you. This is precious. You don't want her to stop this sharing as a result of any step you take. If you contact any one about the girl's issues, it should be after discussing that step with your daughter.

- The urge to help this girl in any which way will be very strong. Parenting finds us at our most vulnerable and we immediately imagine us and our kid in that girl's position. But, don't take steps that make things worse. If their friendship ends badly, that girl loses her sole support, your daughter ends up with guilt and maybe word gets around that your daughter cannot be trusted with teenage confidences.

- If your daughter does not agree to slowly cut off contact with that girl, you could try to get to know the girl a little more. Find ways or reasons for her to come to your house. Gain her trust. Then, you can slowly direct her to help such as the school teachers. It is best if the girl can be persuaded to herself contact an adult or organization.

- Get to know the girl's mother. Use an excuse like you still don't know much about the school, and want to talk.

- The girl has shared with your daughter that she is lesbian. Generally speaking, gay and lesbian people prefer to themselves decide when to share this and with whom. If the girl's parents and others don't know yet, and come to know through you, such a break of trust will be very harmful to that girl.

Last edited: Jan 29, 2022

Rihana, Jan 29, 2022

Rihana, Jan 29, 2022

#20

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