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How Do I Forgive Myself?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Jul 12, 2022.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I spoke to my in-laws yesterday through FaceTime and all was going good.Suddenly she was giving some positive advice and used the word how one should not be “selfish”..I got wildly triggered by the word.

    For my relatives and in-laws over the years I have been nice and always been helpful but I always felt taken for granted and advantage.The word selfish triggered me big time and felt I did not deserve it.

    I suddenly lost control over myself and before I could think I lashed out.I told how I was to them and how they differentiate between me and co sister and how she gets her things done etc.

    my in-laws said their conscience is clear and they never differentiated and perception of truth is different etc and burst out crying.

    honestly..I felt I can never get my closure and people either will resort to emotional blackmail or they will not accept. I felt blank.


    My only guilt is Why I lost control all
    Of a sudden and made elderly people cry..why I did not control my triggers..

    how do I forgive myself for being rude to elders..
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2022
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    FaceTime again and say sorry or something like sorry? Say you were busy cooking and freezing food, kitchen was a mess, and the mess makes you cranky.
     
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  3. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @ anika987,

    You have not made elders cry, they have reacted the only way they know works for them. Sorry to say but no matter what, some inlaws still feel that daughter in law needs to listen to each and every word what is told.
    They resort to dominating, shouting, crying and emotional black mailing.

    Dear @anika987, please dont feel bad because you have not done anything wrong and you dont have to forgive yourself.

    You don't have any control on their reactions, so please dont be harsh on yourself.

    Hug yourself put a big smile on your face, watch a comedy movie and laugh until your tummy hurts and you have tears of happiness in eyes.

    Go yo nearby park and just sit.

    Big hugs to you dear

    Regards
    Nandini
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    T
    Thank you..I also FaceTimed and said sorry ..

    but I wish I was nicer.They are alone somewhere on the other side of the world and the least I could do is be decent.I promised myself to be more in control.Just felt bad when I saw their tears..felt very sad
     
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  5. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    I have felt these too, it is these things which makes us human, but dont let anyone's tears pull you down.

    Since you have told sorry too, leave this and don't take it to your heart, you felt you wronged and apologized too, which shows you are a wonderful and beautiful person from within.

    Big big hugs to you
    Nandini
     
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  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you so much
     
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  7. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Feel bad if your Mother cries, not your in-laws.
     
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  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    When we're conversations with inlaws present? And what else will they do other than making hue and cry for the statements you made which are true in every sense?
    Glad that you realized that should have been in control . But at the cost of saying sorry for unnecessary tiny provocations they do very subtly.
    Lessons learnt : Not self control that comes later, but to do trade off whether to be a part of such calls or not.
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @anika987,

    Please try to remember anything you do to defend your self-esteem is never wrong. The word selfish triggered you when you were really been selfless. When you do anything to your in-laws, always assume you were not going to get anything in return and not even a word of appreciation. There will be an attitude of entitlement mostly.

    One of the essential things to do is to forgive yourself without which you will not be able to celebrate your self-esteem. Next time, whenever you interact with in-laws, think what matters most is how you feel being helpful to your in-laws. That thought will resist your emotions coming out the way it did.

    It is human to feel for the tears of the elders and that is why you FaceTimed again to apologize. Now you work on yourself to forgive and move on. If you were to hear about your outburst directly or indirectly, do not worry about it.

    Next time, please remember when your in-laws accuse you of something, calmly ask them how they find you selfish but do not compare yourself with others. That will be considered as a weakness and will be used to exploit your emotions in future.
     
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