How Do I Convince My Brother Not To Marry A Divorcee Who Is Elder Than Him And Of Other Religion

confusedgal · Jan 28, 2017

Hi All

I know the kind of criticism I get of being narrow minded or hypocrite. Call me whatever you want.
If anyone can empathise with me please provide a suggestion.

My Brother has done his higher studies abroad as per his wishes leaving govt job in India. My father has borne all the expenses till now and even took education loan for his higher studies at the expense of mortgaging our own and even my uncle's(my dad brothers) home. He came back and started searching for job. After 1-2 years span , due to recession , he got placed in to small companies with meagre salaries which is half of what he earned during his govt job. Due to low market, he's continuing and by changing a couple of companies now he reached 20k which is still very basic and on top of it he's surviving in a metro city. My dad is sending him money whenever he asked for it since he's not earning well. Though he has not started his education loan repayments, my dad never questioned him thinking he would take up once he settles well and paying it on behalf of him. We are a lovely family who doesnt much care about money and only concerned about love and affection between us. Btw I'm his elder sister, married and living in a different city. He used to stay with me so that we can save on accommodation expenses. My Dh did support him though they dont get along very well. They both used to mind their own business without interfering with each other
An year ago, I happened to notice his late night conversations on phone and his long chats. I got a glance through his phone and came to know about his love story. I passed on this info with my parents who didnt even trust that saying he's very good. Later he was very angry on me and left my home and started staying seperately. We came to know about the gal and got to know she's elder to him and a divorcee and she's none other than my dad's colleagues daughter. My parents called her dad and informed the same. He accused my parents that ur son is trapping my daughter, she's very innocent and blah blah. I got hold of my brother's phone and some chats/pics in which some are in not so appropriate and mailed to her father saying they both are equally involved. But he still denied saying his daughter is very innocent. My parents begged my brother not to talk to her to the extent of falling on his legs. Still he didnt budge. My mom called her and cried to her asking leave my son to which she replied I'm not even talking to him, he doesn't even know where I am etc. We thought everything was fine until recently where my brother started pressurizing my parents that he's going to marry only her.
All my parents siblings tried to reason him and convince saying she's from another religion, elder and a divorcee.
We came to know from other colleague of my father that she has questionable character. She was engaged and later it was called off due to her character and then married to someone else and soon it turned to divorce and now I feel she has lured my brother.
I am not calling my brother a saint but I know he does have a mind which can be easily influenced. We came to know he started smoking/drinking etc which no one in my family does. My father is one example who has never smoke or drank liqour.

My parents are crying to me daily. My Dh doesnt know this and i have no intentions to let him know this as I have some problems with my IL's. I dont know how to convince my brother or my parents. Earlier i used to have heated conversations about this with my brother when my Dh was not around. So I havent talked to him lately regarding this.

Please do suggest me how can I convince him in leaving her.

GoneGirl · Jan 28, 2017

Hi OP,

As a sister, I do undertand your concern about your brother's life choices. I am not going to judge you based on your choices, but i feel that as an educated adult you should let your brother make his own decision. Finally it is your brother who is going to live with the person his entire life, if he is happy with his choice then you should let it go.. a partner of your parents or your choice may not make him happy!

I see other issues here than the main one you described..Maybe you could talk to him about quitting smoking and drinking part ( if its not light social drinking).. to be responsible in repaying your parents loan..

Vennella · Jan 28, 2017

Unfortunately you can do nothing. The more you guys convince your brother to give up this relation the more he will go ahead with it. You guys have no influence over him. He has made it quite clear with his behavior.

I have had personal experience with one such person, who went ahead and married a girl against his and her family's wishes. As expected the marriage didnt last long, the girl applied for divorce and got remarried and moved on. The guy is still grappling with humiliation and depression. Even now, he doesn't realize he caused his misfortune... Wants to blame others.

Good luck...and no I dont judge you.

chocolate · Jan 28, 2017

Op, You have to let your brother make his own choices. He is a grown man and he has to learn from his own mistakes.

On another note, in the name of loving family,your family has enabled your brother's foolish ambitions. I know calling education foolish is rude, but how can a grown and responsible man leave a good job to take up studies on his family's dime. If it was your parents savings, even that wud have been a tidy sum. Not to mention this is mortgaging a property of parents and uncle. Frankly any responsible man wud have thought 100 times or taken an education loan to do it rather than go ahead. He went ahead shows a lot of entitlement. Being entitled as a kid is okay upto reasonable extent. But this shows he is a spoilt brat. I apologize if I offended you.

Now after coming back , did he make an effort to pay back the money. He didn't. Instead he is funded by your dad in regular intervals I presume.I gather your brother was a spoilt child . Your parents not asking for money back is a big mistake and not to mention making your brother pampered to hilt. Why will he search for a good job when he is being funded either way. If he had the burden of a loan hanging then he wud have searched day and night to repay. The loan is not on his head , so he is taking it easy.

Seeing how flexible and accommodating your parents are your brother must have told the girl in question regarding finances. However that progressed, the girl has to come to extent of marriage .

The only choice is a cold one but might work. Your parents need to cut off your brother immediately and ask him to return the money asap.I gather your brother wont be doing it. But being cut off , might be a big hit to new found love even if it results in marriage.

Your parents have enabled all your brother's behavior until they themselves were in receiving end. Now asking you to intervene after they themselves brushed you off, is being biased towards your brother until it bit them back. You shud refuse to do anything and let them solve this dilemma themselves. Ultimately if anything fails it will come back to bite you and you will be blamed. Good Luck.

Rise · Jan 29, 2017

Your brother is an adult. The more you resist and deny him the more he is pushed towards the woman.he gets rejection and threats from his family but love from the woman.where do you think he will go? Let him make his life decisions

Nonya · Jan 29, 2017

Older, divorcee, different religion are all strikes against the choice.

But... has she got money ?
To pay off his debts to everybody ? May be your brother has a deep plan, to set things right. Outsiders, like IL'ites, don't know.

DDream · Jan 29, 2017

I think the best option for you is to take a step back. Let your parents deal with the case. Otherwise you will suffer in the end. I have seen similar cases where siblings became rivals and the parents remains the same

May be your parents can ask him to pay off his debts and then think about marriage

He is a grown-up man . He has every right to decide whom he wants to spend his life with. If he is not listening, let him do what he wants. You all did your part well. Let him face his life and it's outcomes by himself.

luckysangeetha · Jan 29, 2017

you need to give some time for him to think...any arguments or fights dosent clear off because more fights added and the ego part comes more and finally there is no solution.It seems he wanted a mate but because of his financial condition and job a normal girl wouldnt select him because women have more choices to select their partner.and on top of it he dosnt listen because his urge to have a mate is more and overpowering ..allow him some time to think..it will work

sumzaya · Jan 29, 2017

U r a loving and caring sister. No doubt. But upon wat u have written only conclusion is ur bro wouldnt listen to u all. U have said ur father begged him still no chance.. , a father who still sends money n all whenevr he requests... Being elder, another caste etc... Is not the main reason will she remain with him will thy have a happy life is the question. I thnk now ur bro have to take the responsibility to pay back his loans than getting married ao soon.. he shud be convinced first tht and need to be financially independant.

yellowmango · Jan 29, 2017

OP...your brother is the product of your parents extremely over indulgent parenting. They have raised him to be what he is,an irresponsible son.
The fact that your father continues to spend on him itself shows that .

Please tell your father to stop giving him any more money and start paying the loan back because your brother is not going to do that .