How do i clear up old issues and an update on my previous post....

For those of you who read my post, "her mil......my mom" that I wrote a month or so back, this is a follow up to that as to how its turning out. I also wanted suggestions on how to clear the air between my mom and brother/sil so we can all move on if that’s possible at all.

So here is what happened since then...….After a few weeks at my place my mom was talking of going back to my brothers place. So I flat out told her that my brother/sil wants some privacy and that she should stay with me for some time. She took it ok but questioned the reason as to anything wrong but I just left it at that.

When I conveyed this to my brother, he was not happy with this reason I gave, but there was no way I was going to open a can of worms that I was not a party to and that were a couple of years old for that matter. He feels that my mom does not respect him and his wishes/boundaries and is out to sabotage his marriage. He has long working hours and my sil does not work right now, and my mom is retired. I give an example of my mom’s mistake as per my brother...apparently my mom gifted some shirt to my mil for her birthday as a gift from all three of them (my mom, my brother/sil). My mil said it is not fitting right..and apparently my mom said that it was bought by my sil. So my mil calls up my sil and says something about gift receipt and my sil has no clue that she has been made the scapegoat. And my mom never apologized for this it seems. There many other examples…. But I also know these kind of scenarios have happened to me with my mil so I can understand my brothers point. But how do I take up all these old festering issues, item by item with my mom who seems to be at fault? I have also heard from my mom about bro/sils fault too. So frustrated as to how to tackle this issue and clear the back log of hurt feelings. I am feeling so trapped in the middle.

But on a positive note....I have solved the problem of my mom’s gym and being stuck at my home issue. I finally switched her gym membership to a new gym in my town that also has a branch at my brothers place for when she goes back. We will simply let the other membership expire on its own. I showed her the single bus route in my town and though its bit of a walk to the bus stop and back she is making effort to go twice a week. Sometimes I give a ride to gym on the way to work and she comes back by bus the other way. This gym is close to library and some stores so in one outing she can keep busy for several hours. That way she is not constantly in the company of my fil/mil and everyone has space though my in laws do include her in their outings too. I am planning to enroll her in some art class once a week starting next month though she is currently saying no for it but I am going to anyway and hopefully arrange some senior ride bus. She likes to keep busy and tidies up my house, folds laundry when she finds it, cooks when fridge is empty without my asking. So the whole crisis has been good learning experience, and that she/I have learned that she can be happy living at my place too for months at a time and going forward that will be the way that I will handle this for my peace of mind. For the time being she will continue to stay with me for a few more months anyway.

But The fact remains that I want to go back to normal with my bro/sil and clear the hurts between my mom and them but not sure if I should. should I just tell my mom that its her fault that all this happened?? I have noticed that my brother has a soft nature, the not wanting to rock boat types of person but my sil seems to have a very stubborn and take charge nature which is a good foil for my brother personality but not sure if I will be able to handle this kind of personality with all of four of us in one room and issues on table. Would it just make it worse if I get everyone together and talk it out? i feel I need to do something or should I just let time and distance heal everything?

 

Hi All,

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my super loong post above.

I thought about it and decided to not say anything now. Mom and me visited my bro/sil place so that my mom can replenish meds etc and my bro/sil looked so happy to see us. Its important for me for my brother to be happy. I will give my bro a chance to have a nuclear family setup for a change. If their marriage is stronger for it in the long run, it will be good deed done. and on the flip side, my mom is not unhappy at my house that's for sure despite her having to deal with my in laws too.

I will not consider it being taken advantage of.... after all its my mom. there is no where that says a son only has to look after. I am assuming its a temporary solution. And if it turns out to be a permanent solution, so be it. It is no different than when my inlaws moved in with me years ago despite having two other sons who are elder.

You know what I realized after having my mom in my house this many days.....that there are many things that I find irritating in my mom which I found irritating in my mil. Really we women dont like to share our home with other women. We want our nest all to ourselves. I probably will find it hard sharing my house with my own daughter someday. So imagine with a dil!

 

Kelly,

i understand what you are saying..living separate is best. Hope i can accimplish that when i am old.

But Not all families are fortunate enough to accomplish this financially. Maybe your parents/inlaws can but My mom does not have funds to live separate as in even a studio in this area is still atleast $1000 or more. Her social security is about that much will not cover that. She is not one of those who had a bank job or teaching job to have a generous pension savings or ancestral property. She worked hard 6 dys a week till 65 and part time for a few more years. I do not have the money to fund her studio as we have a large house/mortgage and eldest kid who will go to college shortly and will also need $ for that.. Doesnt make financial sense to shell out $1000+extra when she can live with me as its not an extra financial burden to have one more person. She has spending $ and does not ask us for any $ for clothing, food, meds, occasional trips. I thank god for that and giving her good health and positive attitude. The same is true for my inlaws financial situation also. We can all say separate is best but not all families can do this even those in usa.

Regarding our parents helping to look after grandkids...i am past all that phase. My Kids are in high schl, grandparents are free birds to do what they want. But i managed those elementary years via day care, car pools and yes grandparental help as well. And i am thankful that inlaws were there for my kids.