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How do i clear up old issues and an update on my previous post....

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by maya69, Mar 6, 2014.

  1. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    For those of you who read my post, "her mil......my mom" that I wrote a month or so back, this is a follow up to that as to how its turning out. I also wanted suggestions on how to clear the air between my mom and brother/sil so we can all move on if that’s possible at all.

    So here is what happened since then...….After a few weeks at my place my mom was talking of going back to my brothers place. So I flat out told her that my brother/sil wants some privacy and that she should stay with me for some time. She took it ok but questioned the reason as to anything wrong but I just left it at that.

    When I conveyed this to my brother, he was not happy with this reason I gave, but there was no way I was going to open a can of worms that I was not a party to and that were a couple of years old for that matter. He feels that my mom does not respect him and his wishes/boundaries and is out to sabotage his marriage. He has long working hours and my sil does not work right now, and my mom is retired. I give an example of my mom’s mistake as per my brother...apparently my mom gifted some shirt to my mil for her birthday as a gift from all three of them (my mom, my brother/sil). My mil said it is not fitting right..and apparently my mom said that it was bought by my sil. So my mil calls up my sil and says something about gift receipt and my sil has no clue that she has been made the scapegoat. And my mom never apologized for this it seems. There many other examples…. But I also know these kind of scenarios have happened to me with my mil so I can understand my brothers point. But how do I take up all these old festering issues, item by item with my mom who seems to be at fault? I have also heard from my mom about bro/sils fault too. So frustrated as to how to tackle this issue and clear the back log of hurt feelings. I am feeling so trapped in the middle.

    But on a positive note....I have solved the problem of my mom’s gym and being stuck at my home issue. I finally switched her gym membership to a new gym in my town that also has a branch at my brothers place for when she goes back. We will simply let the other membership expire on its own. I showed her the single bus route in my town and though its bit of a walk to the bus stop and back she is making effort to go twice a week. Sometimes I give a ride to gym on the way to work and she comes back by bus the other way. This gym is close to library and some stores so in one outing she can keep busy for several hours. That way she is not constantly in the company of my fil/mil and everyone has space though my in laws do include her in their outings too. I am planning to enroll her in some art class once a week starting next month though she is currently saying no for it but I am going to anyway and hopefully arrange some senior ride bus. She likes to keep busy and tidies up my house, folds laundry when she finds it, cooks when fridge is empty without my asking. So the whole crisis has been good learning experience, and that she/I have learned that she can be happy living at my place too for months at a time and going forward that will be the way that I will handle this for my peace of mind. For the time being she will continue to stay with me for a few more months anyway.

    But The fact remains that I want to go back to normal with my bro/sil and clear the hurts between my mom and them but not sure if I should. should I just tell my mom that its her fault that all this happened?? I have noticed that my brother has a soft nature, the not wanting to rock boat types of person but my sil seems to have a very stubborn and take charge nature which is a good foil for my brother personality but not sure if I will be able to handle this kind of personality with all of four of us in one room and issues on table. Would it just make it worse if I get everyone together and talk it out? i feel I need to do something or should I just let time and distance heal everything?
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Maya....these little issues are always going to be there when adults stay under one roof. Looks like all three are short on patience. Is it possible for her to take a small studio apt close to brothers place. Your mom is still an independent ,active woman.If she stays close by ,she can have her independence and the emotional and physical support. If not close to brother's place...then maybe close to yours.

    If finance is a problem..you could talk to brother and both of you could help out. This could work out if she is not over emotional and sees this as a way to have her own little space rather than see it as abandonment. You know her better and would know whether it is worth a try.

    If you do decide to talk it out between the concerned people, do talk to brother and sil before and chalk out a plan on how to go about the discussion. Sometimes these talks can turn into blame games and issues can get worse.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2014
  3. Nd123

    Nd123 Gold IL'ite

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    How ever much you may like to, you cannot go in and wave a magic wand and fix things.

    Unless your mom , bro and SIL apologize for all they did and truly want a better relationship, this will not be resolved.

    Doesn't look like any of them want to do that. You can't do anything here. Best to stay out of it.
     
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    With all your four personalities that you have described I feel "time and distance heal everything" your quote.
    If you rock the boat and bring the topics on the table ego's will flare up.
    Let Love and patience work out the rough patch. meanwhile you be the daughter and sis and sil you always are.
     
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  5. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    You've got to draw boundaries. They are taking advantage of you. By offering to take mom you are postponing the problem solution and overextending yourself. This is not sustainable. Bro is copping out big time in resolving the problem bet his wife and yr mom. After mom returns back to bro dont ask her again for extended stay. Subtly make it clear that hosting 2 sets is too much for you. If bro requests again offer to swap your pil for her. They r trying to run away from the problem. When they realise there is no way out is when they will use their heads to compromise and solve it. Dont involve in this. This is between them. Nothing u can do. Whatever u do will come back to bite you.
     
  6. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my super loong post above.

    I thought about it and decided to not say anything now. Mom and me visited my bro/sil place so that my mom can replenish meds etc and my bro/sil looked so happy to see us. Its important for me for my brother to be happy. I will give my bro a chance to have a nuclear family setup for a change. If their marriage is stronger for it in the long run, it will be good deed done. and on the flip side, my mom is not unhappy at my house that's for sure despite her having to deal with my in laws too.

    I will not consider it being taken advantage of.... after all its my mom. there is no where that says a son only has to look after. I am assuming its a temporary solution. And if it turns out to be a permanent solution, so be it. It is no different than when my inlaws moved in with me years ago despite having two other sons who are elder.

    You know what I realized after having my mom in my house this many days.....that there are many things that I find irritating in my mom which I found irritating in my mil. Really we women dont like to share our home with other women. We want our nest all to ourselves. I probably will find it hard sharing my house with my own daughter someday. So imagine with a dil!
     
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  7. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Maya
    My cousins who migrated to USA and called their parents their made sure that they had their own little apartment close by. that way they live in dignity and independence. I believe there are senior citizen flats which are cheaper.. why not look at that option. may save all from more heart burn in the future.
    Just digressing.. sorry..
    But in general why do parents especially those who are able and healthy and financially well find it necessary to live with their kids? isn't it more dignified to have your own space and do your own thing??.. you definitely get more respect and love this way I feel. really wonder why?
    and another point why should the kids expect the parents to come and "help" in their senior years they've finished their duties as parents and its time they enjoy their lives to the fullest without a care and yes for short while to help is ok with grandkids but to take this "free service" for granted is not correct
     
  8. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Kelly,

    i understand what you are saying..living separate is best. Hope i can accimplish that when i am old.

    But Not all families are fortunate enough to accomplish this financially. Maybe your parents/inlaws can but My mom does not have funds to live separate as in even a studio in this area is still atleast $1000 or more. Her social security is about that much will not cover that. She is not one of those who had a bank job or teaching job to have a generous pension savings or ancestral property. She worked hard 6 dys a week till 65 and part time for a few more years. I do not have the money to fund her studio as we have a large house/mortgage and eldest kid who will go to college shortly and will also need $ for that.. Doesnt make financial sense to shell out $1000+extra when she can live with me as its not an extra financial burden to have one more person. She has spending $ and does not ask us for any $ for clothing, food, meds, occasional trips. I thank god for that and giving her good health and positive attitude. The same is true for my inlaws financial situation also. We can all say separate is best but not all families can do this even those in usa.

    Regarding our parents helping to look after grandkids...i am past all that phase. My Kids are in high schl, grandparents are free birds to do what they want. But i managed those elementary years via day care, car pools and yes grandparental help as well. And i am thankful that inlaws were there for my kids.
     
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