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How do husband's behave after wife delivers?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rad, Apr 7, 2007.

  1. Rad

    Rad Bronze IL'ite

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    I am married for 1 year and I have a good caring husband....The pb is with my m-i-l and s-i-l. Ours was almost a love marriage but we married with the consent of our parents....Though they accepted, I think my mil has no liking in our marriage......She used to hurt me at times. My husband was good that I didnt tell him abt the hurts she gave me.... We live separately but nearby my mil's house..My sil got married and she is also nearby with her hub......They say that I have taken him out of them and that he is always with me...I know that it is the usual thought for inlaws...My mil has told me many times personally that my hub has become like this bcos of me.... But my hub is not of that kind....He respects his parents .......He will not allow me to talk ill of parents and I too never do that....But they dont understand that....When we go to my mother -in-law's house, she doesnt like me coming with him. She did not mention it to me but i can very well understand by her actions....The treatment was different.. But they liked him coming alone to their house....I do respect my inlaws and do not quarrel for what they do.....

    I am possessive abt him and was very possessive previously......I have changed myself and understood that being possessive is not possible in practical life......Even now I cannot bear if he ignores me for a minute...and my husband knows that too.....He himself will say that I cannot live without him...I made him understand how much I love him......So most of the times he will be good to me....
    Now we are planning for a baby... If I conceive and go for delivery, obviously my hub will be in his parents' house....I am afraid if I will get the same love and care from my husband when i come back....Or they will change his mind and he will incline towards them......

    Please tell me how do husbands behave when the wife comes from delivery after the few months....Will I get the same love and care from my hub ???

    Awaiting ur suggestions.....
     
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  2. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Ur ideas please

    Dear Radhika

    Good to know you are planning for the baby..so all our advise has been helpful,right?

    Now,this situation of yours happens in almost all households.If all of us DILs think that once a baby is born,the husband is going to change,then most of us will decide to be issueless.So don't worry,even if your husband is going to change after the baby's arrival,the presence of the baby will bring about a change in him,so relax.:-D
     
  3. PadmajaEdwin

    PadmajaEdwin New IL'ite

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    Re: Ur ideas please

    Dear Radhika,

    My best wishes for ur happy life.

    One thing is, the same experiences or the same quality mil and sil can be found in every families. whether nuclear or separate. All may not say outwardly. That's the only difference according to me. More over the same problems will be more dominant in the first 4 to 5 yrs of married life. May be in the mean time we become matured or they loose their interest, i don't know, however the problem will subside in the coming years. So don't think the love of the husband may vanish once u go to ur parents' place for delivery. don't confuse urself. And don't postpone ur concievement.

    Have a happy life.
    Padmaja.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2007
  4. Hemakamya

    Hemakamya New IL'ite

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    Re: Ur ideas please

    hi radhika,

    congrats on the plans for a baby! i have been thru what u have felt. your MIL will def not loose any time in grabbing this. but when u come back with baby u can be rest assured that your husband and ILs will all be drawn to by the baby.
    so the saying goes:

    the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world":2thumbsup:

    Motherhood will also dampen all your fears and take your husband wife relationship to a new high. believe me. who knows it might make your MIL also a better person with a changed heart.:wink:

    regards
    hems
     
  5. dsrini

    dsrini Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Ur ideas please

    Hi Radhika
    All the best (for ur pregnancy). Be relaxed coz that will help u to get pregnant. Don't worry ur hubby will never change I am sure he loves u the same way u love him.
    Also, once he sees the pain and discomforts u go thru' when u r pregnant his love for u will definitely grow.

    So ever never worry about these things & be happy. Pray to God daily that will definitely be helpful.

    If ur husband is really friendly, u can very well share ur thoughts with him(only if he is very open minded, coz some guys will never feel ok when we talk about their parents, even if they know that we are right)

    Cheers
    -DSrini
     
  6. Rad

    Rad Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Ur ideas please

    Thank u all for ur views......I feel better when i read ur ideas.....

    I'll hope for the best...
     
  7. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I have been meaning to reply but it has taken sometime. Well on reading your mail I realize that you are doing a good job of handling your hubby and in-laws. Not complaning about your in-laws to your hubby is good. Learning to let go of your hubby as far as your in-laws is considered - even good. You are heading in the right direction.

    Your question should you have a baby in this situation. Definitely Yes. Will you see a change in your husband when you stay with your parents for 6 months and come back..... 90% YES. Depends on your mil and what kind of person your hubby is. I have seen and experienced such situations. If your hubby can be easily influenced by his parents then there is a high chance that he may change.

    I was in the US for my delivery. Had my kid here and missed my parents and all thehelp that I would have got if I was in India. I decided that my next kid will be born in India. Then I went back to India, heard about my co-sister's experience and was so shocked. All the big formalities involved in pregnance, delivery, after delivery ..... the big problems she had to face. By BIL had changed so much after her son was born. Formalities are only ways of introducing problems in people's lives I guess( in this family atleast). My experience there with my in-laws and relatives also affected me so much. How cunning and smart they are. They behave in such a way that only we can see what they are upto. The sons are so blind to it. I decided then that if I have a kid it will be not be in India. Atleast in US I may have hard work and a bit of suffering but atleast I will have peace of mind.

    I am not saying this to discourage you from having a baby. But to ask you to be prepared. Your hubby is never going to change. Your MIL is never going to change. The only person you can control here is you. You will have to become very smart. You can play the same game you MIL is playing.

    Be good to her even though you are angry/dispappointed.
    Let go of your hubby when he is with his parents. Let his parents dote him. Just be happy for him.
    Don't give your MIL the satisfaction or the power of making you upset. That is the key. You are going to have to face these people all the time. If you can learn to live your life happily irespective of what she as to do/say then YOU HAVE WON my girl.

    So try to stay with your hubby as much as possible during your pregnancy and delivery. Keep him involved. I don't like the way in India fathers are totally cut off from the miracle of birth. All they do is leave their wives in their mom's place and then go to look at the baby and get mom and baby back after 3 months.

    You may have nothing to worry about. But your suspicions are true and most men do change after staying with their parents by themselves for sometime. But you can be prepared is what I am saying. You can live a full happy life even with these problems if you understand them.

    I hope I haven't confused you. If you want to discuss this more do contact me or reply here.

    Love
    :wave
     
  8. Rad

    Rad Bronze IL'ite

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    thank u

    thank u very much for the detailed mail...I'll definitely take ur advice..The point which i liked very much in ur mail was "Don't give your MIL the satisfaction or the power of making you upset".......I'll ensure that it doesn't happen...Thanks a lot..
     
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  9. vivbass

    vivbass Gold IL'ite

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    hi rad,
    can i give suggestion like this,u r going to ur mom's place for delivery,instead of that ask ur mom & dad to come to ur place(if they r ok with this),so that u no need to leave ur hubby,what do u say???
    others gave nice ideas,but this is my suggestions. all the best for ur delivery,pls tc ,be happy:2thumbsup:
     
  10. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    dear radhika,
    from ur letter i find u and ur husband are yet to take a proper decision abt the baby, if he is the one who is asking then u should plan, i will tell u y, as many men get their wives attn after so many years, that is they had to share their mother's love with their siblings and now they have someone who is only for them, so they actually will not appreciate a baby coming along, will feel the wife will not bother abt me, and frankly speaking u will not have much time for ur husband, once the children come and what u have when u divide it is never enough for the kids, as they r demanding and if the husband is also demanding, then u will be at wits even after doing so much....and medically i would advise u to go for a cesarean section as it will keep ur sexual life alive that is a very big plus point to keep ur husband with u, as these days they r not patient for the baby to arrive so damage the future sexual life of a woman, by slicing away a fair share which dont heal easily...pl like others who say bring someone over either ur mother or someone erderly if u find u have doubts abt ur husband's future attitude towards u. this way u have him while the baby grows in ur tummy and he also goes thru all ur pain along with u ......hope been of help regards sunkan
     

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