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how do husband feels when wife cry.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sheesta, Dec 14, 2013.

  1. sheesta

    sheesta Bronze IL'ite

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    I have been married for 5 years, initially when i came to U.S, i felt so much of home sick and used to cry a lot but my husband rarely used to sit beside me and feel my pain. Even if i had headache, he would just leave me alone. With time, i understood he is not much emotional. Recently, i am going through very bad ohase of life and when i feel heavy hearted i cry alone. Few days back, i was sitting alone, he came and i couldn't control my tears at present situation and started crying. Though he talked to me and sat beside me, I never felt he feels sad when i cry. After couples of cry, i asked him what he feels if he see me sad/crying as i cant feel any sadness in his eyes or heart.
    He said- It depends why i cry.
    That really hurted me. I said i am not child and mature enough. If i feel so much of pain , then only i cry. He know i am reserved and doesnt express my emotions usually.
    He said may be he is not much emotional. Sometimes he feel sad, sometimes not.
    I appreciate his honesty but do you think he loves me?
    Sorry for long post.
    Couldnt help myself asking from experienced ladies over here.
     
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  2. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Sheesta, you will be the best judge of whether your husband loves you or not. What I can tell you is that tears are not meant to come with an agenda. In other words, if you have something to say to your husband (I'm sad, I'm lonely, I wish you would be more supportive, etc.), say it before the waterworks start.

    Crying as a way to get attention or a reaction is not a fair tactic. As far as communication goes, it is manipulative and obscure. Talking is a fair more reliable and honest way to tell someone something.

    You are entitled to your feelings, and you are entitled to express your feelings (with tears or anything else). But shedding tears in the hope that your husband will give you what you need is a dicey game to play. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. And that is what has happened - you are disappointed.

    Honestly, this all sounds very Bollywood-ish to me. Real life is different. Why should your husband feel sad if you are sad? He should care about you, be supportive, and all that other good stuff, but how can he be your strength if he, too, is falling apart?

    Marriage is not about becoming clones of each other. It is about enhancing each other's strengths and compensating for each other's weaknesses. Next time you want some support, ask for it. Tell your husband with words, clearly and unequivocally, what would make you feel better (Please hold my hand, please listen to what is bothering me, etc.). Set him up for success, not failure. He cannot read your mind, nor should he be expected to.

    If you have explained to him clearly what you need, and he doesn't give you what you want, then he has a problem. Right now, I think this problem is yours.
     
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  3. lucky22

    lucky22 Gold IL'ite

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    Ansuya...spot on, i admire the way you write and precisely answer the questions at the same time.
     
  4. lucky22

    lucky22 Gold IL'ite

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    :exactly:....and i feel it is very childish expecting him to say anything in return to your crying. If you need to know what he feels about a particular incident or situation, just talk to him directly.
     
  5. sheesta

    sheesta Bronze IL'ite

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    Ansuya, Thanks for your quick reply.

    Sadly, you did not understood the point i was trying to make. From your reply, it reflects as if I am shedding crocodile tears to gain my husband's attention. I am married for 5 years and not too childish to do at this point this. I am not newly married, or bollywood tricks or teenage to do so.
    If you will go through my post patiently, i have mentioned i don't usually express my emotions( especialy when i am sad). I am going through tough time and i was sitting alone in room. I almost never cry infront of him. Crying/ tears is a emotion that comes by itself and when you are in pain and one feels his partner to understand, listen him/ her. I don't mean he should cry. I just asked whether he feels sad when I am at pain. I sjust wanted to know others opinion who may have experienced same.
    Thanks for taking time to reply.


    M
     
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  6. sheesta

    sheesta Bronze IL'ite

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    I don't expect he should cry or feel sad when I am sad. I am mature enough to express my feelings directly that why i raised this question( after observing 5 years).
    I appreciate if he is bold but staying bold and understanding others point of view is different.
    Would you like if you are going through something tough in your professional and personal life and he doesn't even bother to look or talk to you. (even if you are not crying)
    Sorry if Iam being rude.
    But i would rather expect suggestions rather criticism.

    I
     
  7. lucky22

    lucky22 Gold IL'ite

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    Sheesta...sorry if i sounded rude, but i was not criticizing. I was just trying to say that you should rather open up directly and speak to him instead of crying by yourself. I understand that you are going through some kind of rough patch and trying to find comfort and solace in your husband. And that is definitely not a wrong thing to do. I feel your husband might not be an emotional or an expressive person. Can you talk about you issues with a close friend or your siblings if you have any. May be that will help overcoming pain to a certain extent.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2013
  8. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    First time I cried, my spouse did everything possible to make me stop crying. Next time on wards, he stopped responding to my cries. Absolutely no response.

    I stopped crying and started talking to him. It seems to be working fine.
     
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  9. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Sheesta, I understood your point perfectly. And I thought there was a good chance you would be offended by my directness. I am sorry. But try to think of it from your husband's viewpoint.

    By your own admission, you are reserved and don't show your emotions. It is very hard for other people to know exactly what is expected of them in situations like this, even spouses.

    How would we know if your husband feels sad when he sees you crying? We don't know him, and we don't know you. I don't even know exactly what you want him to do despite reading two posts explaining your predicament.

    You say you want him to listen and understand. If it were me, I would be happy to listen to/understand talking. I'm not sure I can listen to/understand tears. In fact, I am one of those people who gets very uncomfortable around, and never knows what to do about, crying adults. Maybe your husband is the same.

    I never, at any point, said your tears were fake. I am merely suggesting that your tears are not enough to make him react in whatever way you expect (again, I am not sure what you expect).

    Even if I am missing your point, you could try doing what I suggest (open up, express yourself more clearly) to get what you want. A lot of people come here asking for help or understanding with family members or others. The hardest solutions to implement often involve the OP trying something different. But these are still easier than trying to get other people to automatically change or do what we might want without some clear and direct action of our own.
     
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  10. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    "Though he talked to me and sat beside me, I never felt he feels sad when i cry. After couples of cry, i asked him what he feels if he see me sad/crying as i cant feel any sadness in his eyes or heart."


    Why do you want to see him sad,don't you love him:(
    I am sorry but when one is in pain one should not think that ones partner should understand the pain telepathically , one could always sit down with the partner and say "I am sad please comfort me/hold me" "please help me fix this/that".



    Reminded me of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYoLGiW7muc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
     

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