how DH loves wife

mstrue · Mar 25, 2010

Swa9,

If you don't mind, May I ask you how old you are?

When a problem arises, if you tackle it with as less emotion as can be, you can save yourself from the pain emotions cause. See his expectations in black and white.

It is natural for a husband to expect good food for breakfast and dinner..
He probably is concerned about how to run the household with 1 income.. so being watchful on groceries and electric bill etc.
Agree that he should have opted for a working lady.. but then his intention to apply for H1 says he expects his wife to go to work after sometime.. I also agree that he should have given you some time..
But it is all in your hands to get things roll in a good direction.

I shall tell you as a sister.. Try to follow these.
First of all, stop expecting.. don't even fantasize how a husband should shower his love.
instead start from your side.. show your love to him. He will slowly come to you. If he does not give you time to adjust, you give him that much needed time.

Most men cannot handle a wife in depression.. or a wife who will eventually slip into depression.

Be brisk.
Get up in the morning, Freshen up
Make him his favorite breakfast.
Pack his lunch.
Never complain
In the evening, keep his dinner hot and ready
Sport a pleasant attire
Make you and your home lovable

He will see the difference and drift towards you.

Now you may ask why should "I" do this and why NOT he?
My answer: It is because "you" are the one who gets emotionally teared up, and it is "YOU" who got to come to your rescue.

Ofcourse it would be all good if he realises what he has to do but where is the end if each of you keep waiting for each other to take the first step? It would be a deadlock (in Java Threads terms. )

Do whatever you can do. And in my humble opinion, this is what you can do. Before asking what he does for me, do what you can do for him and then when that registers in his mind, then start expecting..

Hope you give your problem a thinking in this angle..

Tugga · Mar 26, 2010

Questions for both of you:-

If he was not interested in you, and was not happy with your educational background, then why did he marry you at the first place?

On the other hand, what made you fall for this guy, who treated you indifferently and let her mom to create a scene even before marriage?

I understand it was not a love marriage... If you are not good in your education and have no proper certificates... Ok... that is the real you. You didn't hide anything from him, rather you openly told him your problems before marriage. If he really wanted someone as per his taste, then he should have married the right one, not you.

OK... Now you are married, and came to the US to start a new marriage life. There is no point in discussing your past issues, so move on.

- Hope you are well adjusted with this new country and weather by now, so why don't you give it a try to satisfy his wants and expectations for now. Marriage is all about give and take. First you give some, and wait for his turn... He will surely give his part soon

- Wake up before him, prepare his b'fast on time before he leaves for office. Try his favourite dishes, and see if there any changes in his behaviour?

- Do not sleep all the time.. at least try and be active when he is around.

- Take your time to discuss his finances and saving matters. Then decide how much you can spend on monthly basis, how much you can save, and what propotion of savings can go for luxary shopping. Until you come up for an understanding of his take in money matters, refrain from too much shopping. This may irritate him, if he is really in a tight economic condition.

This is just the initial phase of your life... He might have expected an educated, career oriented woman as his wife, so that his wife too can contribute to his family expenses. But unfortunately he has got someone who was not good at education, hence no chances of having a career.
There is nothing wrong in expecting such things before marriage, but he should have openly discussed with you prior to make this huge decision in his life.

Like Priya, I too suspect whether he married you because of your lump sum? i,e your dowry????

Foundlove · Mar 26, 2010

Dear Swa,
Sorry to hear all your troubles. Just being career oriented and working is not the only way you can make ur DH happy.You have initial hiccups in your relationship..only you can smooth it out.

Tugga has made such good points.

Creating a loving atmosphere is very important.Once ur DH sees that you have other skills than earning and bringing home money he will accept you as you are.

Try to be cheerful and happy.Be dressed and groomed when your Dh returns from work.If he complains about anything just smile and say..I am new here..I am adjusting.

Guys usually don't understand about pots and pans but definitely understand Big TV and couch..Talk to him about fianaces slowly.Ask him to give you money for grocery and say that you will manage that.

Take Tips from our Kitchen section here..Kitchen tips for newly married and settled abroad this is in the Krishnamma's kitchen section ..It talks about how to manage household groceries and save money from it.

Once you show your value to him..he will start liking you.Love develops slowly in an arranged marriage.

Have patience.Don't impose anything but wait and watch.

Good Luck
FL.

Ranchu · Mar 26, 2010

Swa9 ,

Tuga has said everything.

Try to understand that living in US does not mean we can eat whatever we want, we can buy whatever we want. Running a house with One man salary can be little tough initially, until you get to know where to save and where to spend.

I totally understand what you are saying , we are just trying to advise you to get your everyday activities organized so that your husband will start appreciating what a good wife you are.

Make some good favorite indian dishes that he likes.
Slowly you will understand that plastic boxes and cookware are really a waste of money unless you buy the good brands. but for now am not saying anything.

Finally look what your husband is going through - he is also new to married life like you . Before marriage he may be living with a room-mate so expenses are less, but now suddenly expenses will shoot up and you have to co-operate with him for some time until everything is normal.

swa9 · Mar 26, 2010

hello friends
thank for ur advices but i did not expect any luxury item frm hime just for health i buyed dried fruits.And i will get up in the mrng everyday ,but sometimes if i am not feeling well i don't getup na at that time if i ask him y did u wakeup me his answer was if i will wakeup also u don't do so i did not wakeup.i did expect that, like that he will understand.i expect for DH only love that is to understand.

Yes i tried in starting some dishs.but he did not like anything.when he come frm ofice he will site in front of laptop.if i ask y will u site everytime in front of that what should i do he willsay.god creates for all coulpes like if wife is clam husband will be talkative,i husband is clam wife will be talktative.but for me we both r clam,reserved.i like talkative,he likes working women.sugest me something.

my dowry was 3hars but it was not on my name it was on my fathers .In the starting only my MIL asked that change to ur name i said that father said i will give so he will give i did ask.my father has some field problems how can i ask on this time.i think 2month back my FILwent to my village to see my land without informing my father.so i asked my DH without informing my dad y did FIL go to my village.he said that by inorming only he went to ur village.mil said all lies to dh.somedays backfor MIL leg facteured i called her and said that kept some cook at this age u should be very careul.she after my son marriage only all these problems r happening it means after i came only na.i got so much cry i said to DH he said that she did not say in that manner.sometimes it happens but u should forget it .is it love on my by takeing like this.and one thing how to say i am not understanding he will say to come near him without how cani .
how can i find krishnamma post .
suggest me ur advices helps me to come out of depression.

Priya16 · Mar 26, 2010

Dear,

Could you tell me what health issues you have.If you have a will there is a way.
Lot of women who doesn't want to work get empowered and do find jobs and work again based on the family situation.
In this country sitting idle makes you very sick.I think you don't have to be professional .Find ways to do something.
I think your life will be beatiful if you could find something for yourself.Othewise with your husband it may become very difficult for you in coming years.
You don't have interest on studies from beginning?Are you intersted on any other things where you can do some courses and look for work?
For anything you need to be physically active and that makes mentally strong.

Foundlove · Mar 26, 2010

Dear Swa,

Here is the link to the forum.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/krishnaammas-kitchen/3732-kitchen-tips-newly-married-settled.html

These things that you are talking about is very common for newly married people because they don't know how to behave with each other For such things joint family works.

If your MIL/FIL are being greedy ignore them.You concentrate on your and DH's life.
Even if he does not like your recipes..ask him what he likes..talk to MIL to get that recipe and try to make it.Atleast they will see an effort.

If he does not talk to you..you should talk to him.Ask him how his day was
ask him to take you to the mall on weekends..you don't have to buy anything but does not hurt to look.

You are a woman...you have more ways to intice him.

FL.

swa9 · Mar 29, 2010

thank u foundlove for giving tips and thanks priya.
yes priya i am poor in studies.i like more than studies i like arts and craft.but DH does'nt like he likes only studies .he even don't take me to my sisters house also ,she is carrying now .if i asks to take he will say last time only u want y to go now.once my sister(cusin) invited to lunch for my sister and meso i asked to take to my sister(cusin's) house he said that she called ur sister so y we should go so i said she called all of them my brother also coming so we should go.no two weeks back u met her no need to go.i said that brother is going to india so we can met once.no need to met.like that everything he will argue for everything.what should i do plz suggest me i am geting irrate of my life.
i said in my last post abt my MIL na i asked abt that to myDH na y he will think evertime abt his mother side .he said that call to my mother i said i don't call once i hearded don't make big issue this call her.y he don't hthink abt my side if she don't take in that manner then she can call and say i did not say in that manner or when DH calls every day she can take to me.just she asks how she is thats all.please help me everytime dh will say to come near his without.i think u all understood please say me.everytime he will think abt his family i should also thing abt thank family what abt my family.please suggest me.

mstrue · Mar 29, 2010

swa9 said: ↑

everytime dh will say to come near his without.i think u all understood please say me.
Click to expand...

swa9 said: ↑

one thing how to say i am not understanding he will say to come near him without how cani
Click to expand...

I see these lines in your last 2 posts.. sorry I don't get what you are trying to say.. Are you saying that you cannot get closer with him with all these emotional issues bothering at the back of your mind?