How Common Is Lying. Please Advise.

Woah ! That was quick !
I hope you be the bigger person and atleast give this marriage a dignified closure . That would involve keeping the wife informed about your plans and not shocking her with a lawyers notice. Just curious , was there a reason that you did not marry the divorcee?
I am sorry for your situation but also sad for your wife. Let’s hope this is a wise decision for both of you. Best wishes !

 

Everyone cannot take such decision even if they face many difficulties. People are emotionally weak and have fear of society. If I were at your place I would have adjust but same time not everyone can adjust too. Just make sure your search of finding a good life partner will not become endless and also your present wife should not be blamed. She already had suffered a lot and it will not be easy for her to come out of this. Also the society don't let such people live peacefully. They get their new gossip how that girl became divorcee and the person involved will broke up completely. I am actually worried about her.

 

Look dude, here is one thing you should know: NO one likes to be judged. NO one. And people are hopelessly optimistic.

When you are marrying a girl start from those premise. Will she like to say to a person who is perfectly stranger that she is in intimate relationship with another guy? No way! Same with guys as well btw! And here you didn't even ask. She will always say she hates entire dating scene because otherwise she will run a risk getting judged! And she will hope that you never find out!

Once the cat is out of the bag, there is nothing she can do but deny! No matter how ridiculous it sounds; what else can she do? Agree and judged for the rest of her life? Or divorced and again judged for the rest of her life? Nope! It will be denial and optimism that you will stop bugging her. Thats it! Oh did I mention guys do that too!

So when you are marrying, get the essentials out of the way. Medicals and legal that is. We have very modern and progressive sounding things for that. It's called prenup these days. I got that done. BTW if you think how to broach this, then you two are either not there yet or not fit together. Give your relationship some time before tying the knot or go for someone else.

Now your situation, I would not have minded a girl being sexually active but sure would have minded a girl being stupid enough to contract a STD because of this. Plus she keeps in touch with the guy AFTER marriage in a romantic sense. Both point to a person having no foresight, fatal stupidity and immaturity to the core. I would have ran away from such a person and wouldn't have look back. Lying is not as much of a problem as stupidity is. Think of your partner being a person who tends to make blunders, massive ones. Thats frightening to me.

BTW, i assume what you are stating is the truth and whole truth.

 

No. Lying is not a cultural thing.
I have seen some people who r liars. Seriously it's very irritating.

 

Op ,if being with her makes you feel good...then let her know you are thinking of divorce because you can't deal with the lies. Give her the option of getting her act together and go for couselling . Tell her to attend some liars support gp if there is something like that.

Op if you do like being with her...then give this marriage a second chance.
I am writing this because that ' feel good feeling' is the most important part about being married. If you did not feel that,I would have said just separate.
But this feel good part is a big reason to fight for this marriage.
If she makes you smile ,then fight for this marriage.

You may find someone in future who is very truth ful and morally upright ,the perfect person,but she may not make you feel good and you will be stuck in another kind of hell.
Better to live with someone a little imperfect who gives you happiness than someone perfect who does not make you genuinely smile.

A lot of people stray to find happiness with imperfect people inspite of having a perfect spouse. I have seen people walk away from perfect spouses to be with imperfect people for that ' feel good feeling '.

1) Calmly tell her how much lying bothers you and you are seriously thinking of seperating.let her absorb the news .

2) Tell her you like her but her lying makes her repulsive for you.
Tell her you are willing to give it a try if she is willing to cut out the lying.

3)Tell her you are fine with her previous relationship so she should stop lying about it and put an end to that chapter. Let her know that means no more contact with that guy.

4) Tell her to go for counselling .

5) Have some kind of sign so that you can let her know that she is lying without getting into an argument.....and put an end to it before she gets into a web of lies to protect the first lie. Something like a red sticker on the fridge or something else which would mean you will not continue the argument because she is lying and move away. Don't give her the opportunity to continue lying .

Let her know she has a disorder and you both need to work to get her better.
Don't withdraw after that...continue to behave normally about life other than the lie topic.

Hopefully she will realize she is not getting anywhere with the lying.

Op....I don't really care much for people like your wife( egoistic compulsive liars ) but your last post shows that other than this horrible trait....she makes you happy . No one is perfect . Even you are not.

Think about it .
Being happy with someone is very important. Think if you want to give it another chance.

Don't have kids till she gets better. You don' t want a house full of little liars . If the urge to have babies with you won't make her mend her ways ...then you can be finally sure she will never change.

If not for her....give your happiness a chance if she really does make you happy.

Best wishes.

 

You are handling it too fast. Please go slow. Certain decision like marriage and divorce need to be made after thorough analysis and understanding.

Let me clarify the major issues here.
1) Your wife had an ex, and had physical affair with him, and had STD because of it.
Perhaps, she had some other affairs, possibly physical affairs before this one.

2) Your wife has a very fragile ego, that she is unable to take if she is confronted for a mistake/wrong.
She will either lie, pretend to be clean, or do whatever to make herself perfect

3)You are very fast in decision making. You fell for this girl without having any heart to heart discussion before, and that too while you were seeing another woman at the same time. Now that, you are fast to conclude your marriage, while your heart is still demanding for another chance.

I think, your problem is a mixture of everything. Fault is not just your wife's but yours as well.

Having premarital sex before marriage is becoming very common among youngsters here. Even though, not all the youngsters are doing it, some (even from the conservative ones) end up having premarital relationships. Blame their upbringing, their hormones, their fast decisions, the opportunity etc...
Many of them are able to leave their past as past, and go clean about their future.
They expect a broad minded, understanding and a practical man as their spouse, so that he won't dig through their past.
Many such women are happily married, and settled now. They are very truthful to their spouse too.
Just that, they were not confronted by anyone about their past; hence they didn't have to lie.

Not all the men are broadminded. It is ok to be yourself and expect a clean woman too.
But expecting a woman to confess her past history with her present husband is awkward. That too, if she is madly in love with her present husband, she might feel ashamed to explain how she loved, and had sex with her ex in the past. This must be embarrassing, and a hit to her ego as well.
It is OK, if such discussion happened before marriage. So, as strangers, you can share details about your past, and start your relationship afresh if both could accept each other.
But it is different after marriage.

If you are clear that there is no bad intention in her contact with her ex, then there is no reason to confront her about her past.
She may have lied to avoid embarrassment.

Going by your way of handling things, I see how your wife lies. It happens.
Because, she needs a lie to safe guard her standards.

I know trust is important in a marriage, but more than the trust, it is important to accept each other as who they are.

My SIL used to lie about everything, even the simple fact like what time the servant came etc... she would only lie to safe guard her weakness.
Because she was confronted about her weakness, criticized about it, and often advised by her H and MIL about how best she could change.
As a weapon, she lied.
For ex: My SIL is very lazy and slow in household chores. So, some days, she won't cook at all.
If my bro or mom ask her why she hasn't cooked today, she would say "nanny didn't come on time, baby was too fussy, and some other lies. So that no one can comment on her laziness or bad timing.
My mom went on to confront her with probing questions like "why nanny is late, I saw nanny passing our road at 6 am, how come she is late to your place (which is 10 min away from ours) etc.. Then SIL would further lie to make her position clear.
This will take us nowhere.
So, now a days, my bro has accepted her as who she is. He says, it is OK if you can't cook. It is ok if you can't work fast like other women. He has no problems in that. He supplies her further help like domestic servants for cooking.
So now, she doesn't lie. She accepts the fact that she over slept or been careless or whatever the weaknesses with a smile. It happens, as we all have our own weakness too.

 

if one conducts a smart- survey, you would find there won't be a couple who are either 100% liers or 100% truth-sayers all the time. there could be some sound plausible reason for lying to better half otherwise life with bitter half would be intolerable. best thing seem to ignore and carry on but that again depends on so many factors.
After 4 decades he was cooling his heels in enemy country jail for spying, but while he and the nation to which he belong lied but day before he was released and now proclaims he was spying and he would be proud to do it for the nation again. He is 73. His wife came to know about it only few days back.
thanks and Regards.

 

I have had a few serious crushes and one emotional one sided affair with a guy friend of mine before I met my H.
I've shared about those funny crushes with him though, but never shared how I was serious when I was having crushes with certain guys with him. I have yet to share my emotional affair with that friend either.
I chose to let go of my past, as I am sure these past means past in our life. I did not have any feelings left for those guys when I was in a relationship with my H.

Now that I am thinking, if my H to inquire me about those crushes, or emotional affair, and held me responsible on moral ground for them, then I would chose to lie, as I would assume my H has no evidence to confront. Besides, I wouldn't want to be labelled or called as a wrong person for such very normal human affair of mine.
Also, I wouldn't want to be suspected, or challenged about my love for my H, because of this past history of mine.

I assume that my H knew my past, or at least he must have guessed it by all the evidence and people we met who could remember those crazy days of our life. But he has this maturity not to question me on any of them. In fact, it is was my teen self, which is very different from the mature me.

On the other hand, my H had a love affair before he met me. I knew that, but more than the basic fact that I know, I never questioned him about the details. I know that he would have done all that amusing stuff a boy friend would do to his girl. But questioning them in detail would never change the past. It can only damage our present life. So, I chose to overlook the fact. In fact, he was not mine when he was involved with someone else.
I will bother about my man only.

This is why I think maturity is important in a marriage, else it can get complicated even if there is loads of love.