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How Common Is Lying. Please Advise.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by redorange, Jan 21, 2018.

  1. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    My god. I feel sorry for the girls who marry you. You posted in Indusladies just to damage her image. You thought we would also advise you like how your relatives advised you. But that won’t happen here, your post shows your maturity.
     
    madras2018 likes this.
  2. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Stop being judgemental? You are one fake poster. I won’t waste my time further.
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...your wife is a hypocrite because she does one thing pretends to be another. She has no business talking bad about people who have relationships before marriage . The fact that she herself had one makes her a hypocrite.

    If she is still in touch with him then it is a clear breach of trust .keep record in case you need it as proof.

    If she is only lying about this ,then she is caught in a web of lies to protect her ego . She does not realize that the web of lies is eating into the trust that is the basis of a marriage.

    If she lies about a lot of other stuff,then you landed yourself a compulsive liar.

    No this is not common.
    Since woman in this country are held to higher standards of morality....sometimes ,they do lie to save their reputation.
    If she lied only about her past and left her past behind ,that would fall under ' lying to save her reputation '.
    But looks like she is the kind who did not leave her past behind.
     
    KrishnaSri, BhumiBabe, uma321 and 7 others like this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    How many wives here would be fine with their husband keeping contact with their exes and lying about it?
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    How is he damaging her image by posting on indus ladies?
    Is he posting her name and address?
    This is an anonymous forum .
    We don't know him or his wife .
    We don',t even know if he is a man woman or troll.
    If that was the case...this forum would bec a place where everyone is damaging someone's image.
     
  6. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    I went through all your posts. First and foremost, it is not common to lie but...if she has something to hide, if she finds you doubting her, if she fears that her marriage and her position in your life is shaky, she may tell lies and more lies to cover up previous lies... This vicious cycle is bound to continue.

    Many people fall in and out of love before marriage. It cannot be treated as a crime. But if she continues to be in touch with him, then it is her mistake.

    You have damaged her reputation by discussing her with your family even before she has found her place in the family. Ideally you should see a marriage counselor and in front of that neutral person, sort your issues. Involving family members is very damaging to the relationship.

    You are so embittered by the experience that you are even suspecting her sexual health. Kindly think a zillion times before entertaining such ideas. Let the qualified doctor's diagnosis come before you punish yourself or her.

    Even now it is not too late. Kindly consult a marriage counselor and seek some clarity into your issues. In many marriages, early period of adjustment has many issues and it settles with the passage of time. Trust does not come automatically, both of you have to work towards it.

    Best of luck.
     
  7. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, as you said, what happens before marriage is done. But she should have the guts to face it and tell you the truth. Instead she is spinning lies after lies. That is unacceptable.

    One reason she could be doing this is she maybe scared that you will change your behavior towards her, knowing about her past. Some husband's say it's ok just to get the truth and then change their colors asking for divorce. Perhaps her parents strongly advised her not to reveal those details. Does she lie about anything else? Try to analyze if lying is in her inherent nature or if it is just this issue. Lying for general petty issues is unpardonable.

    There are 2 ways of going about this....1) Just set her free as you said you did already 2) First try to build a relationship, forget about this past. Build a trust factor between the both of you and then expect some truth. Give her some time to realise that she has nothing to be scared of!!

    Finally about the STD...you are already getting tested. See what the result is. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It is scary. Hopefully everything will be fine. Update us on this.
     
    Ammu2886 likes this.
  8. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Madam,
    You are being unduly aggressive, please don't treat this as a men vs women issue. Ultimately we need both sexes for existence. Let this person, whoever he/she is, have the freedom to air his concerns. If we can, let us help. Let us not get into personal disagreements and judgements. Take it easy.
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    It is very difficult to love or respect a partner when trust is broken. If one is always suspicious about her/his partner , their married life will become a hell.

    You said she is lying. Is it about her current contact with ex? Or everything including day to day life? If it's about everything it's totally unacceptable. In Indian set up, talking about ex or past relationship can complicate married life. So many try to hide those aspects. If she is lying about her past relationship , may be it is to protect her image. It is just an attempt to save her face , may be due to the insecure feeling you created by constantly questioning her. Why you need to know everything about her past. Leave it. Or have an open discussion with her by making her trust you.if she says there was no physical relation , you have to trust her. Then close the chapter there.

    But if she is still in contact , it is not acceptable. It is cheating. If you are sure, collect all evidence about it if you want her set free. But talk with her and tell her very clearly that you will walk away from marriage if she stays in contact with her ex.

    Sorry to hear that you are terrified about STD. But why now. You should have got it earlier itself. You have been married for nine months. The issues you mentioned may be due to other issues like yeast infection. Google.Whatever it may be wait till you get the Doctor's report. But suspecting her about this now is not the right approach.

    You should have handled this situation in a better way. Remember she is still your wife. Protecting her and her image in front of family and society is your responsibility. If you have any issue with her, you both should solve the problem. If you cannot , then seek help of a professional counsellor or an Independent person. If nothing works and if you decide to walk away, only then reveal the reason to your or her family.

    But you damaged her image in front of everyone, will anyone respect you or her for this. They may moke at you both. If she hate you for this I won't blame her. So please think many times about all aspects before revealing anything about your married life to others.

    You have two options. If you cannot trust her or love her or if she continue her relationship with her ex , then set her free...second option is to start fresh, if she stops everything and you can trust her. But in this case you should stop talking about past. Both should be on the same page. So have a heart to heart talk with her about your decision.Look forward Please don't involve your family here. If you need advice seek help of a counsellor or therapist. You are the best one to decide. But always think well and give enough time before taking any action. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2018
  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    its common for women to withhold information about their pre marriage relationships.. I know plenty of women who have done that and they are leading happy lives with their husbands . its a grey area and while theoretically its good to say full disclosure is best , practically esp in an arranged marriage scenario this is difficult. can you let this go and try to work on your marriage.. you are never going to find a person who hasn't had a previous relationship and as much as you say you do, I don't think you are openminded enough to hear intimate details of your partners previous affairs.
     
    shravs3 likes this.

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