1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How Can My Friend Build Back Her Trust?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blindpup10, Oct 11, 2020.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,224
    Likes Received:
    1,957
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    Posting this issue from my friend's life. Please suggest how can she patch up her relationship-

    A year go my friend started doing tik tok videos. And according to her, she had asked a couple of groups to promote her video and in one for these groups. A younger guy in one group started "to have feelings for her". from the first time she asked him to promote the video.
    Let's call this tik tok admin A, my friend B, and her husband C.

    Although B has said that she is married, this guy A kept DMing her that he has feelings and asked for her number. My friend is in the US and this guy is in India. Not to forget that guy A is significantly younger to B more or less 8 to 11 years.
    After several months of A being persistent. B gave her number and they texted on WhatsApp. According to my friend B it was just hi how re you and forwards. And B didn't seem to respond often.

    This all blew up when her husband C accidentally saw that B messaged someone and compared the number on her phone contacts. The name on her phone showed a female name. And no other previous texts than a text from A asking something totally random and her texts asking what that was!

    Now her husband C has lost all the trust. He thinks she must have cheated on him in the past and he can not trust her in the future. Her husband is ready to walk out on her.

    My friend tells me that she didn't cheat, she was even talking to this guy as he was the admin as he will help to promote her videos.

    The whole conversation is not being shown and texts on Whatsapp are deleted and aren't backed up to show her husband she didn't sleep or even called him.

    My friend knows that
    1.she is wrong in talking to A even though he said he has feelings.
    2. She shouldn't have given her number.
    3. And to have stored his number as a woman.

    Her husband is livid that if she hasn't cheated on him why would she do all the above-mentioned questions? Why store the number as a woman.

    My friend swore that she didn't even talk to guy A. This apparently got confirmed when her husband texted A asking basic questions like "what do you think happened during the last year".

    The guy A said nothing happened- as B avoided, not respond and they were like friends.

    My suggestion to her was to completely get off social media. Stop the videos.
    Block that guy A and maybe get to marriage counseling. As they both can be on the same page going forward.
    I trust my friend, not to have cheated.

    But there are serious questions that her husband is questioning like "why talk to this guy" if she hasn't cheated in the past. What made her talk to this guy.
    She feels justified in her answer that she spoke to him so she will be prompted but her husband is not believing that.


    How can my friend build back her trust and save her marriage?
    How can she make her husband believe she didn't cheat on him?
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2020
    Loading...

  2. vaas

    vaas Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    In my opinion, its very tough to gain the confidence back in this scenario. Even if it did happen, it may be temporary thing. There is every possibility of husband bringing this topic in future.

    Many red flags.
    She should have cut off the contact as soon as she understood that the person has feelings for her. Not doinh so might have encouraged that person.
    Saving his number with female name. Deleting chat history... all these are big red flags in husbands point of view.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,869
    Likes Received:
    4,928
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    B was wrong to talk to A under this scenario. There is nothing wrong with having opposite-gender friends while married. But if you have to hide that from spouse then that is a red flag. B should have cut off all contact with A at the outset. But that is now water under the bridge.
    I would say that while it might appear that C is somewhat overreacting, the way B has behaved has given fuel to the fire and his is not completely unjustified. No doubt he is shocked and hurt by this. Why hide a chat if there is nothing to hide? I do have a few guy friends back from school and college days and we often shoot brief messages on WhatsApp when something of interest comes up. But we never write anything that we wouldn't mind a spouse or kids seeing.
    I would suggest that B tries individual therapy so she can avoid such scenarios in future, and both of them also go to couples counseling.
    Even if this is not physical cheating it does have the appearance of an emotional affair. B should consider how she would feel if the tables were turned in this situation.
    And it goes without saying to stay off social media for a while.
     
    BhumiBabe, shravs3 and blindpup10 like this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,440
    Likes Received:
    3,006
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Like others said B was very immature to fall into the trap of A. May be its just a temporary excitement. Reg flags!

    I think C deserves to know the truth. He should feel true remorse and regret from B. She should admit her mistake of giving that number and say sorry to him. Through her actions she should show how valuable C is to her. Be very transparent.

    Just imagine how B might have felt if C did the same thing. Anyone in that place can think about emotional affair, when spouse hide things.

    Another way is to go for individual or couple counseling. If they are working, EAP will cover it.

    Damage is done. It can never be the same once trust is lost. As the mistake is done by B, its her job to bring back C into the track by exhibiting love, affection, sincerity, positivity. There are great chance that C bring it against her again. Just consider it as his attempt to flush it from his system and be empathetic to him.. B needs lot of patience and composure during this journey. If she go negative, the impact will be quite high on C 's mind. So be very careful while talking this topic with him. Past can't be reversed, but she can make efforts to improve her present.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2020
    shravs3 and blindpup10 like this.
  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    577
    Likes Received:
    656
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Male
    What A or B should have done, could have done, etc... are not very useful for OP's needs:
    The optics of what had happened looks bad from the husband's point of view.
    My advice to B:
    If you had said all you had to say in dribs and drabs, and during occasions when C is not in a mood to listen to what you had said, please find an occasion to have your final say. Firmly and quietly. And then proceed with your life in a peaceful manner. Prepare for C to walk out of your life, if he cannot absolutely trust your word. Trust is the foundation for a married life; if that isn't there, there is no marriage. Good luck.
     
    blindpup10, BhumiBabe and Rihana like this.
  6. GregoriaBoul

    GregoriaBoul Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    It is difficult to bring back someone's trust when it is broen, but you can still try, he or she can sense or see your sincerity after all.
     
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    1,519
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey your friend has done wrong. Just imagine if her husband did, then you can understand his pain and broken trust. There is nothing much you can do as a friend, but you can make her understand the gravity and make her realise her mistake.

    Your friend has made friendship with that guy after he told his feelings, that is worse. Why she only stopped when she got caught? What she did is some kind of emotional cheating - putting female name, hiding truth, deleting messages.


    Ofcourse, she must firstly block that guy and get off that social media.She should put every effort from her side , and must give her husband time, and the choice to make his decision .
    Maybe she should be prepared if her husband walks away- true love is about respecting her husband's rights and dignity. She must tell everything honestly to her husband, and she must leave the rest to God.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2020
    blindpup10 likes this.
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    10,752
    Likes Received:
    26,165
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    When a person is facing such a problem, our response can range from that of a judge, jury, lawyer, or that of a friend.

    A judge or jury will try to be fair to all parties and try to do right by all. A lawyer will help the person figure out what she wants, what is in her best interests and how to come as close to that as possible. A friend's role is less well-defined. Like that of Lord Krishna in the Mahabharata. The friend has to strike a balance between what is "right" and what is "good for the friend."

    She cannot. This is a goal not worth spending time and energy on. She cannot redefine for him what he believes is the definition of cheating.
    Hopi's response above provides the best starting point -- have a proper conversation, not heated bits and pieces here and there as they go about life's other to-do's.

    Build back trust and saving the marriage are two huge tasks and they might not go in parallel. There are a few approaches she can take after identifying her goals more clearly. She needs to be clearer to herself about what is a must have and what she can live without. Just one example: if she never fully gains back the respect in the marriage, if there are occasional reminders of this incident, will she be OK with it? This is just an example.

    I would suggest she reframe the problem's definition. And, make it a problem they both need to work on.

    When both are a bit cool, she should tell him that she acknowledges his anger, outrage and that he thinks she cheated on him. At the same time, she does not believe what she did was cheating. She thinks it was bad judgement. She got carried away with wanting promotion for her videos. Saved the name as a woman because she knew at the back of her mind that husband wouldn't like it. In her mind she was convinced it was not cheating as she had no feelings for the man but she knew husband wouldn't see it that way. She should tell him that they will never see eye to eye on the matter. Can they focus on what next?

    She should be very clear in not taking on the responsibility for the past where she didn't cheat or that he cannot trust her in the future. This is a tricky conversation. She should not keep trying to convince him that she did not cheat in the past. She can acknowledge the wrong in hiding the contact on phone, and say that won't happen again, acknowledge the pain she caused to him and their marriage but not be punished for things she did not do, not be made responsible for him to be able to trust again.

    If he decides to stay in the marriage, he is doing so with eyes open. Rebuilding of trust will be a joint effort. He can take the time he needs to reach the point where he is ready to do that. But, after that point, they cannot keep rehashing how could she/ why did she/ maybe she cheated similarly....

    Hopi's post says the same as I have more succinctly.
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,773
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey @blindpup10,

    Just wanted to ask- is this even a true story or some hypothetical scenario your friend has laid before you?

    I read your account and assuming her story is factual, in several aspects, it simply doesn’t compute. We are being asked to make 3 giant leaps of faith-
    1. Random Admin guy sees her tiktok and instantly starts stalking her —- ( really???!!!!)
    2. She’s super innocent, genuine, only wants to promote her tiktok yet somehow his name is saved under female alias in her phone???!!! (Uh-hunh... yeah very convincing.)
    3. Husband knows every name in her phone book (really!?) and instantly zeroes in on the alias and deduces entire story. (Umm- sure.)

    My feedback - She’s only told you part of the story. Husbands reaction shows that this isn’t first time this has happened. Also proved by her saving his name under alias- which normal person thinks of that? But... apparently it’s a go-to for cheaters.

    My advice to you is enjoy the entertainment if she chooses to regale you with more installments of her saga but don’t get taken in. Dal is definitely taking on a darker hue, as we speak. ;)
     
    Thyagarajan, lavani, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  10. DavenaRosalie

    DavenaRosalie Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    75
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Breaking someone's trust is like a crumpling a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it's never going to be the same again.
     
    pinkydarling likes this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page