How Can My Asperger Friend Stop Spoiling Her Friendships

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by SuiDhaaga, May 20, 2021.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I have a friend with high-functioning Aspergers.

    Due to her inability to detect social cues, she never made friends - instead lot of people were her enemies.


    Now she is in lockdown and will eventually come out.

    She is learning computer technologies and hopes to meet fellow Aspies (or anyone who can understand her struggles)

    My Aspie friend feels tremendous guilt for what she has done in the past due to her ignorance.

    She spoiled friendships in her first work environment. There was misunderstanding due to cultural differences. It was a gentle work environment where people genuinely were concerned. She moved to another job that is cutthroat. Her only respite is COVID-work-from-home.

    She spoiled a friendship between one of her lonely relatives and someone from India. She thought the person from India wanted her to marry his son because he wanted her hard-earned money. She wrote a nasty email to him (relative's friend was in his 60s, in frail health) and destroyed a beautiful friendship.

    Irony is, she married someone who was using her, giving her hard-earned money to his girlfriend. Lucky for her it ended real quick.


    Once in a while these memories pop up in her head and she feels sad.


    But my friend has "an internal burning fireball of anger" within herself. She always finds something and someone to get angry at. For past few mornings, she caught herself being angry 20+ times.


    She is trying to control this "burning fireball of anger" through prayer, meditation, awareness, but it is so persistent.

    She is trying to harness this "burning fireball of anger" by working hard at home, work, study, but it is so persistent.


    Now she is afraid she spoiled her relationship with an Aunty who was trying to help her with matrimonial, but backfired. And when she asked for Aunty for health advice (her recent bloodwork had scary values), her Aunty gave her a brief reply.


    Any advice for my Asperger friend.


    How can my Asperger friend be nice to the few people who are actually nice to her and not spoil any friendships.

    My Aspie friend is scared that if she dates someone who is nice she will ruin it due to

    1. misunderstanding something
    2. blowing the misunderstanding out of proportion
    3. lashing out at the person who is actually genuine


    She feels that if God would have blessed her with nice Husband and Children she would have spoiled that too!


    I feel really sad for such people.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2021
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Here are a few things she can try:

    1) When reading up about Asperger's, be a little more focused, and learn to sift through the numerous blogs and articles on the topic. For example, does she want to read about women and Asperger's or more gender-neutral stories.

    2) Find a therapist who employs CBT for helping clients with Asperger's. This will take some time and effort. Not all therapists have the knack to creatively adapt and adjust CBT to meet a particular Aspie's goals and personal values. For example, the friend described above first needs lots of help with self-acceptance. The social skills part is a close second. Or she may decide she wants to first focus on social skills.

    3) Check out Asperger Experts.
    A big part of this website caters to parents and caregivers but there are some insightful articles for adults, most of whom were late and self-diagnosed. I wouldn't advise spending money on their services or courses though. A few dollars on their books is fine.
     
  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    My friend is interested in women-oriented blogs. Women with these issues are more likely to be exploited (according to her). A man may be a gentleman to a woman without Asperger's but a devil to one who has Asperger's

    I will send her link to Asperger Experts.
     
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I used to but not anymore. I would look at her strengths. She can probably call a spade a spade and walk away. The rest of us would probably worry about what someone else will think about us. It does take some getting used. This friend who is HFA is so brutal with her honesty that it hurts. Initially it was hard for all of us but once we found out about her HFA, we just started accepting her as who she is. I’m not saying your friend should divulge her diagnosis to everyone but the friendships that mean something to her, maybe she can tell them of her diagnosis. Just like you know about it and probably accept her for who she is, there are bound to be others out there.

    Regarding relationships, I think given enough time, your friend will be able to figure out if a person is genuine or not. I would ask her to learn from her past relationship mistakes. Maybe not knowing and marrying isn’t the best thing for her. Maybe the key is getting to know each other. It’s hard to accept someone with HFA but once you do, they are the most loyal of friends. They will tell it to your face and hold no hidden agenda making them valued friends.
     
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  5. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree that people with HFA are most loyal friends. But it is hard getting used to them.
    My practical suggestions are:

    1) Work on mindfulness
    2) Meditation
    3) Take on fewer tasks/ relationships/ commitments during the course of an hour/day/week.../lifetime! This is very crucial for everyone actually. One has to decide where they want to spend (energy/money/ emotions). Time is not unlimited so are other resources- limited!
    4) Identify the strengths- and weakness- write it on paper- writing makes things so tangible- make sure it is destroyed though after one hour- only oneself should know about one's weaknesses and strengths
    5) Stay away from people with very very high EQ- they are the ones who will turn into monsters around people with HFA- usually they are the politicians, wing man/woman of politicians- just an example.
    6) Know that not all people who do not have HFA, end up being saintly politicians. In reality the life of non-hfa people is twisted and they may suffer a lot of ailments/ addictions/ heartbreaks/ infidelity etc - just as a person with HFA might. So no one's life is easy.
    7) Walk in nature
     
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  6. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Bumping the thread.

    One universal question here is how to identify genuine people from fake ones with or without the challenges of hfa.
    Then how to keep these good people around..for longer..
    How to be in control of 'inner ball of anger' and not lash out frequently
     
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  7. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Wonderful, wonderful replies. I just chatted with my Friend.


    This is profound. It is different from what she hears. Her parents says she should only focus on her weaknesses so she can overcome them. But she needs to understand her strengths tool!

    My friend struggles to filter her mouth. She gets so angry at things, and she imagines herself uttering such horrible words. But she tames those emotions, hence words.

    Somehow I think her closer relatives may be aware she has this problem even though she didn't tell them explicitly.

    She has to take a deep breath instead of swearing off marriage and resolving to get used to being alone. I think this lockdown also had effect on her mindset. She is working to get herself out of this rut


    My friend especially likes suggestion 3. I think she takes on too many things because not enough things gets done. She doesn't feel productive enough.

    And number 5 hit her between the eyes. She had several experiences

    1. Twice at previous job.

    Someone was retiring and had going away party. He was given so many gifts and speeches. When he was alone with her he insulted her religion and told her she is going to hell.

    Then another time someone was having baby shower because his wife was pregnant. Again this person was lavished with so many baby gifts. She also gave gift. When he was alone, he insulted her interest in Panda Bears and imitated how anxious she was to show her Panda Bear photo collection

    2. The evil loser she married.

    Had lot of friends in India. Only difference is here in USA no pretty girl thinks he is attractive, nor does he have proper income now that she kicked him out of her life. It is almost comical the way he was pretending to be genuine and begging for forgiveness. Her aunt fell for it. To this day she holds resentment to her aunt.



    My friend wants to know how she can have more EQ, at least in the workplace. That way she can earn more money, rather than wishing a high-EQ marry and support her. In other words, she is researching how to be MORE self-sufficient (because 6-figure income is too little) by demonstrating high EQ.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking this! Hope was can get more feedback.
     
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  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    Making friends as an adult is hard. I have seen some good advice on www.captainawkward.com. A good place to start is finding local meet up groups doing an activity that you enjoy (book club, crafting group, gaming group, etc).
    Its a good way to give you a place you can go and be included and also try to find long term friends with similar interests.
     
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  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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  10. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I like this website.

    She had some rough starts making friends. Seems they only want to use her, i.e. job prospects.

    She's trying ....
     

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