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How can I survive with this amount after Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bharathi.K, Apr 22, 2009.

  1. Bharathi.K

    Bharathi.K Senior IL'ite

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    Dear all,

    I am an IT professional and am in Love with a guy who works with me. we both planned to marry (with the permission of both the parents). Now my problem is he has got an younger sister. She got married on June 2008. so he put personal loan for 5 lakhs(for 4yrs) for her sisters marriage. Right now he s paying his EMI of amount 19467 (around 20000).His Take home is 25000. So he has got remianing of amount only Rs.5000/-. Apart from this he has also got some amount to be paid for credit cards. Since he cannot pay the mimimum due amount. I put some personal loan (since i was asked to put sme personal loan by him) for him. Right now he has closed the credit cards.Right now his parents are hurrying up for his marriage. They are asking me to rush up within this year end.
    What i ahve planned is after marriage one persons salary is for saving and another persons salary for spending.

    Here comes the exact problem,
    How can i manage after marriage with this amount (Rs.5000) in this chennai.I think commitment after marriage is different from commitment before marriage.His parents are thinking that since am also earning they both can adjust. His sister is asking me to adjust for 3yrs.If i say to my parents that he has got some commitments before marriage and he can provide only 5000 for spending they will never acceot for marriage.I am a only daughter for my parents.
    Since am also working his parents main motivation is i can manage. What i think is he cannot depend upon my salary. Circumstances differ if after marriage if i dont lik to go for job then? if after marriage if i am getting concevied then my parents wont allow me to go for job then?
    Am totally confused... Please provide me some suggestions.

    Please Help me!!!
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey Bharathi.K,

    Don't worry about his parents are rushing you for marraige nor don't worry about your parents not allow for the job after the marriage when you concevie.
    Decide what you want to do and what is your interest with that guy and tell him firmly your thoughts on this relation.
    You both are 2 individual adults and you guys need to decide about your future and your financial status.Don't worry that what his sister think or what his mother think when you talk about the guy finance.You should able to express your views clearly now itself otherwise it will end up in big mess.

    If you are not interested to share his financial burden then wait until he get over it.
    Or if you rellay like this guy and if you have total confidence on him then give a hand.
    Or if you have some future plans how to handle finances then discuss with him and see where he stand.
    But don't decide things on his parents wish nor your parents wish.You need to see how the things best for both of you and for your future.

    Take Care.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2009
  3. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Bharati,

    For some reason, I couldn't neglect the quote in your signature. I feel you are trying to live that here.

    My dear, first of all, ask yourself again - do I really love this guy? Before you just give a "yes" or "no" answer, ask yourself another question - what does love really mean to me?

    If the answer to second question is "he should take care of you; he should take care of all the family expenses; he should make the necessary investments for future like flat etc." If your answer does not include anything like "I should make sure we can manage these things; I can help make sure we can make the necessary investements etc.." then its time to rethink about your own beliefs.

    Please remember, the foundation of marriage is based on trust. You need to trust that both of you can manage. You need to be able to tell your parents that they don't need to worry & they have made their daughter capable of handling her family needs. Its time to grow up now. Even if you feel like not working - for your married life and for supporting your husband, you have to mould yourself to accept this fact. These things go a long way & it will give you a lot of sense of belonging that you did things for your marriage to survive these tough times. Its a wonderful feeling. Do not miss it.

    In an ideal situation, it is good to plan that your salary goes in saving, but during the time of need, you need to use your money for your family for immediate needs. Although premature, I would go to an extent to say that - feel blessed that your fiance & in-laws are considering you as an equal partner in his life. There have been severe cases where husband does not allow wife to work because he does not believe in women of the house working. Recently I read a news in paper - that a girl committed suicide because her DH & ILs did not allow her work even though she was an MBA.

    So think again. It becomes your & your fiance's life. How you manage things amongst yourself and how much responsibility you are going to take is very important. Please act mature and evaluate the situation before jumping on conclusion.

    The concerns which I probably have is - are your jobs secured?
    I am personally against taking loans for functions and for showing off. So make sure taking personal loans for such functions does not become a habit. Make sure your DH realizes that he needs to act more responsibly in terms of taking loans and spending.

    Hope I was not very rude. But my thoughts come from the fact that for almost 6 yrs of our married life, my DH couldn't bring home money - coz he was setting up his business. But because I could support it, he could fulfill his ambitions, which had drawn me to him in the first place. So I am very satisfied today that I could partly support his ambition without letting our family life affect too much. The kind of sacrifices we did - would sound funny to others when they hear my salary package. They would feel we are crazy to let go of such small things - because we feel we should not make that expense now. But it brought us closer & it helped us evaluate our priorities - which happen to match. That way we are very compatible now - financially too - because this phase of struggle has brought us even closer.

    Take this as an opportunity to contribute towards building your marriage. Its a nice feeling. That's all I can say.
     
  4. pals

    pals New IL'ite

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    I don't think there is a very straight answer to this problem. These are the questions you want to ask yourself since many of the other details are not available -

    1. If you love this person, his problems are yours. As long as you do plan on continuing to work and between you, you can manage your expenses, you will be ok - Look at it this way, you may have to take loans in the future as well - for housing for example - then situation would be similar.
    2. Are you willing to wait for 4 years to marry until he pays off his loan?
    3. His salary may increase in the interim as well.
    4. You can plan on putting off having a child until you are well settled in your marriage and relationships and then evaluate if you can have a child while the loan is being repaid or you want to wait to get that done?
     
  5. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    Bharathi,
    You mentioned he asked you to take loan for him even before marriage.
    Did he ask you what you think about it, or did he ever mentino that he will return it back to you. I mean i understand money will come and go. But when money is tight, that is when it can break relations. There will be too much friction in life. Notjust for newly weds, but i have seen in case of marriages after years also. From your writing i felt like he took you for granted in case of money. Did you guys talk to each other about how you both would be paying loan? Also you mentioned you are only daughter. And looks like you are going to face issues in that family for sure.
    Donot hurryly get married. Think and talk to your parents. They suggest things for our good. They have seen more. Also discuss with 1 friend who met your wouldbe. She will be able to tell you more as she saw him in person. Also even after all our advices, you will be the best judge for your life. Remember dont think that after all this love will i be able to marry someone else (REMOVE this taught from mind)
    Think only one thing, if i get married NOW with him, then will i be happy. Am i ready for all those sacrifices.You mentioned correctly, before marriage is quiet different from after marriage. List down on paper, things you like and dislike in this marriage. As he is lover and so close that he can ask you to take a loan, Discuss these points with him saying you are uncomfortable in those things, and say both positive and negative things you feel. See his reaction, with that you can decide :)
    Hope this helps..
    Bye, Good Luck
    Archana :)
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just wanted to add one thing here.
    In my case,before marraige I never knew importance of money.I worked for 5 years and I never saved any single penny-I just used for everything and for every one(I think that is my brought up).
    But after marraige I learn lot from my husband about money.
    So I assume,the guy is also one of them who don't see importance of money.So if you really like the guy you need to teach him the money and it's importance.I think becuase of that nature he could just take that much amount for his sister's marraige.lot of people wouldn't do that.
    So you need to give him an little hard time to relise him about the money.Otherwise you need to see similar problems after the marraige too.
    So you need to act in big way.
     
  7. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Bharathi,
    I dont know whether I am a right person for giving advice to you. You seem to be a very intelligent girl, the reason is atleast you are thinking of this problems before marriage which is really good. Lot of people blindly go for marriage without discussing anything ending up with lot of problems. The only point I want to share with you is debts especially from cards will create lot of problems. For us before marriage my husband had loan due to his accident (medical expenses, sister's wedding etc). Eventhough not a big amount we ended up paying lot of interest and it took us 5 yrs to come out with my husband's unsteady career and I was new to that state and new language ended up landing in a less paying job.( I resigned my well paid job to move to my dh's place, we didnt discuss anything before, our is arranged marriage). Since yours is love marriage you can discuss with fiancee about your future (How to pool both your earnings, percentage you both want to share, ways to increase income incase of not able to reduce anything etc). In this process you may even have more closer relationship and bonding(difficult times are also good times for bonding).
    All the best for your bright future and happy wedding:)
     
  8. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    Why he wants to get married if he can not afford the expenses of wife?
    Why his parents making hurry?Don't ask us ..ask Yourself whether you gonna be happy or not.
    After marriage whatever your parents say it hardly matters.What your in laws and husband say...that matters(in most of the Indian families).Your parents can not have any say or decisions in your family matters especially financial matters after marriage.I don't know about the guy but it happens in most of the families.
    Most of the troubles in familes all over the world is because of money.
    You have to think and plan accordingly and that too before marriage.
    You wrote this scrap..this shows you have a doubt about your future with him.You are not 100% sure.Right?If i am right then postpone the idea of marriage until he is able to afford your expenses.
    No need to shy or feel guilty because you have every right to think about your better future.Its not selfishness at all.
    Anyways he is being selfish too that he is not thinking about how he will be able to manage your expenses...how much burden you will have to face...How will he keep you happy etc. and he is just thinking about himself and his emotional needs to be with you.If you feel he cares about this then you can give it a thought otherwise i don't think its very much advisable to marry in those circumstances.
    And don't keep your parents in dark..tell them the exact situation.They always think and wish better future for you more than anyone else.They are not villain in your love story.
    Talk to them and your fiance and tell them what you expect.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2009
  9. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Bharati,
    Very good questions and very pragmatic questions. Shows you are a practical girl (will save you pain going forward).

    If you decide to quit your job, will the boy and his parents still accept the alliance? That would tell you if they genuinely like you or are agreeing for the money.

    Also, how are their financial habits in general. Will they keep on perstering you and their son to keep taking loans for their sake?

    Please also look beyond immdiate emotional gratification when deciding.

    Good luck and god bless.
     
  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    I put some personal loan (since i was asked to put sme personal loan by him) for him. Right now he has closed the credit cards.Right now his parents are hurrying up for his marriage. They are asking me to rush up within this year end.
    What i ahve planned is after marriage one persons salary is for saving and another persons salary for spending.

    I think commitment after marriage is different from commitment before marriage.His parents are thinking that since am also earning they both can adjust. His sister is asking me to adjust for 3yrs. Since am also working his parents main motivation is i can manage.


    I will give you a realistic view of what I feel.If I were in your place , I wouldnt rush into marriage here.There are a few red flags here.I will tell him to wait till his loans are done with and then get married. Money can be a major factor which can drive a couple apart.

    In 6 months after my marriage my husband had maxed out all his credit cards and was paying maximum every month to credit card payments. (Marriage expenses,India trip,switching jobs and moving).This continued till 5 yrs and It drove a big wedge b/n us.Now its all resolved but the damage is done and I dread those days.We didnt take a holiday nor celebrated anything like 1st birthday after wedding, wedding anniversary becoz we had a ghost called debt hanging on our head.I wasnt aware credit card debt can amount to so much as my dad is a good role model in never going over board with credit card use. I also cant believe you being educated fell for it and took a personal loan for him. Its like this before marriage , you can imagine after.For all any overboard expenses he makes, he may see your income as an easy target to repay it .

    No wonder his parents are hurrying marriage. They see you as a bread winner. Once husbands and in laws get a hang of DIL and wife being bread winner they never switch. I dont know I maybe old school but I always feel a wife shud have a choice to work or not to work.My in laws were insistent I work and my husband is fine with anything.Thats one major thing I admire in my husband.

    Your friend's parents are feeling since you both are working situation can be worked thru .Like you said suppose you conceive , you wont have the choice to resign becoz your hands are tied for 3 yrs .Say you resign from your job. See whether they are insistent with marriage. They will definitely turn their backs to you.Thats another red flag.

    One more red flag wud be his sister asking you to adjust for 3 yrs.Its not fair to ask you to sacrifice who is still not a family member yet for something her brother contributed for her.Adjustments is something done for smooth sailing of marriage. But adjustments going into marriage itself can make you harbor long term resentment. I will give anything to have happy days in initial days of my marriage . But I didnt and it makes me resent those days.

    Think about what all I mentioned and do post back. Good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2009

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