How Can I Open Myself Up to a Good Man if I cannot even confide in my own Father?

zipzipzoomzoom · Mar 18, 2012

How can I open myself up to a good man if I cannot even confide in my own father. My dad has shown and reassures that he loves me and cares for my happiness, but I'm always scared of what he thinks.

When I said I was going somewhere because I needed to and not for fun, he said, "If you go out and have fun, I will be more happy"

If my dad asks me questions about Internet, such as Facebook, I will totally freeze up because I don't know how to explain him. And I'm embarassed he will see my Facebook page, thinking it is stupid. Hec, my boss and co-workers see my Facebook page and it looks decent, with pictures, cheecky jokes, etc.

I was in a crying fit, because I want to be normal, yet I am not acting normal. When I told my dad all this, he said, if he sees my Facebook page, and finds any fault, he can tell me how to improve it. Also, if I have a hard time explaining the answer to a question, I should say that I don't know how to explain the answer to a question.

I always get tensed when my dad asks me stuff because I won't know how to help, or explain, even if I know the answer.

At the same time, he is looking for a groom for me.

I get dreams and desires like any other lady, yet I'm concerned I will reject a totally wonderful person because subconsciously, I am scared that the person, after marriage will think I'm a dumb head, and be disrespectful, etc.

Any advice???

ivlakshmi · Mar 18, 2012

Hi,
Some time back I have added my dad, aunties and relatives.. couple of them advised me to delete photos ..Later I deleted that facebook account and created new account with out dad and relatives ..only friends.locked everything.. I dont put any photos which effect my decency but still i need some space. u can lock everything and do the same. I clearly told my dad that I am not going to add him for some time and he is OK with it.

rose8282 · Mar 18, 2012

Reading your post reminds me of this - 'Life is simple,its we who complicate it'
Anyway,call me dumb,but I could not get/understand what your problem is.The only thing I can address is regarding the groom. Our equations are different with different people. We wouldnt have the same frequency that we have with our parents as we have with our siblings.Friendship is also at its own place. Likewise,meeting someone new is totally strange for anyone.It could silence even the best chatterbox. Just take it slow.Life can not be planned. If he is seeing matches for you,just go with the flow.Ask them their goals,habits,likes,dislikes,his expectations of you.

flowerlady · Mar 18, 2012

Dear OP,
Don't worry your DH will be very different from your father who belongs to a different generation altogether. Parents have different liking in music, movies, habits etc. as they belong to a different age.
A husband is different from a father like a DD is different from a wife.
Nobody confides everything to one's parents/father, somethings are too private to be shared.
There is a boundary in all relationships , parents don't share evertthing with us , do they?
Follow IVL's suggestion of keeping all relatives out of your FB account.
Relax! Chillout!

monita · Mar 19, 2012

Be brave and be the person that you are. Don't worry about what people will think about you. There are rights and wrongs for everyone. Just be sure that you are not doing something that is plain wrong. You are an adult and you have a right to be yourself. If you don't want to answer your dad's questions, you don't have to. Since, you are on the stage where you will soon be choosing a life partner, it will be best that are more aware of your likes and dislikes and letting others know of the same.
P.s.- Just wanted to share- my son added me as a friend on FB and later removed me. Obviously he didn't want me to know what was on his FB page. When I asked him about it, he didn't say anything, just smiled and smiled and smiled. He left it to me to guess the (obvious) reason. Some time later, he again added me as a friend. I guess, now he has grown up and is more open about sharing his FB page with me.

zipzipzoomzoom · Mar 20, 2012

ivlakshmi said: ↑

couple of them advised me to delete photos ...
Click to expand...

Several aunties and cousins are my FB friends - they haven't advised me to delete my photos. My dad is not computer literate and I guess when he was asking simple questions about FB, I was unable to explain because I was scared that he would ask me to log into FB and he would see my account. I felt so guilty about how I reacted - he was just curious.

rose8282 said: ↑

Reading your post reminds me of this - 'Life is simple,its we who complicate it'
Anyway,call me dumb,but I could not get/understand what your problem is.
Click to expand...

You're not dumb

It's just that, everytime I do stupid in front of my dad, I feel that he thinks I am damaged for marriage because he always resented my mom because she was uneducated and uncultured (only got married for GC, but she was no saint either). My dad would say, "because you did x-y-z, your husband will hate you and your in-laws will throw you out." This bothered throughout my 20s and for a while I hated all married men thinking they were all devils. This is the best I can explain, and it's something I need to work on.

rose8282 said: ↑

The only thing I can address is regarding the groom. Our equations are different with different people. We wouldnt have the same frequency that we have with our parents as we have with our siblings.Friendship is also at its own place. Likewise,meeting someone new is totally strange for anyone.It could silence even the best chatterbox. Just take it slow.Life can not be planned. If he is seeing matches for you,just go with the flow.Ask them their goals,habits,likes,dislikes,his expectations of you.
Click to expand...

Gosh that is so true. Some people I feel so open and friendly with, others, I am so shy and bashful with.

flowerlady said: ↑

There is a boundary in all relationships , parents don't share evertthing with us , do they?
Follow IVL's suggestion of keeping all relatives out of your FB account.
Relax! Chillout!
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's what I do. If I post something that I think will bite me, I exclude relatives. Or, I am very brief when I message them on FB, because who knows what can happen later on?

monita said: ↑

Obviously he didn't want me to know what was on his FB page. When I asked him about it, he didn't say anything, just smiled and smiled and smiled. He left it to me to guess the (obvious) reason. Some time later, he again added me as a friend. I guess, now he has grown up and is more open about sharing his FB page with me.
Click to expand...

There was a guy I used to "secretly admire" on FB. He actually had his mom as a FB, friend, yet the pictures he posted made me blush. Go figure!

monita · Mar 20, 2012

zipzipzoomzoom said: ↑

...the pictures he posted made me blush. Go figure!
Click to expand...

Now,I am curious. What kind of photos were those?

zipzipzoomzoom · Mar 20, 2012

monita said: ↑

Now,I am curious. What kind of photos were those?
Click to expand...

Pictures of him partying and drinking (and girls with tank tops).

I used to be uptight about these things, but in past few months, have chilled out about it. People are young (or young at heart), and want to have fun responsibly.

Perhaps that's why he's ok with his mom being his FB friend.

flowerlady · Mar 20, 2012

Dear OP,
The father of the boy could be a social drinker himself thats why the son did not mind his Mom seeing the pics on FB. Girls wearing tank tops is not too scandalous for some people. :hide: