How can I make self happy and motivated.

LG,

You have made too much out of the Golden Rules thread. Shanti ( the member who wrote it ) is just another woman like you and me. When she said ' rules ' she didnt mean, do it , else ! She just jotted out all what she thought could help another woman like her, one day morning after coffee. Just like how you woke up today not to write this, but just wrote it, because you are frustrated.

I would largely agree with you when you said, women do most of the compromises. Why ? I dont know exactly. Maybe because, it is usually expected that way, maybe because men cannot do all of them, maybe because we give birth to life and feel more bounded for every sacrifice / adjustments etc etc. Well, why this happened.. Because of women again. I dont know who set such rules and why the heck they were practiced !

Not all men can be blamed for this, just like how not all women are responsible for the trend. It is a little here and little there. Dont we see many men going through such adjustments as well ? Maybe the publicised stories are less, but there could be many battered men out there too. Maybe they just dont feel as comfortable as women to just blurt out things.

So, guess it all depends on the attitude and nothing much to do with gender " all the time ". Physical abuse is common to woman, maybe because they are the weaker gender. But, let us say, one lean husband marries a fuller looking woman, so there, will the hubby ever think of raising his hand ! :crazy Just a light moment. But, abuse in any form to any gender is not good for marriage. Period.

You said, walking out of a relationship is not possible and one rather stays in a loveless and unhappy marriage ' for the samke of kids ' ! I disagree there, no kid will grow with a healthy mind in a abusive / unhappy environment. They will grow, yes, but wether they are ingested with true happiness, no. So, the parents or one of the parent will ' fake ' happness for the kids, now, it works only upto a time, then the kids get their own brains and think.. they realise the parent was faking. Now, here, turns the story..either the kid feels sorry for the parent OR feels the parent fooled them. Either ways, the parent cannot expect the kid ' to understand ' the pain. The kid neednt isnt ? We are all adults. We have brains and need to think about ourselves first to spread happiness around. The kid of divorced parents wll eventually understand what happened. Maybe they wont as kids. Let us say, they understand as adults,is that going to get back the parents' lost moments ? NO. They wil feel sorry and get on with their lives. The parent(s) is / are left all by themselves.

Instead of that, it is always good to teach what is right and wrong to the kid. Be transparent and let them know this is how things are, when the time comes for them to understand. Why will one parent stop loving the kid if there are issues with spouse ? Then, is that called good parenting ? I hate you and so do I, about the ones born from / to you ? Ridiculous. Both the parents can love the kids as much as they used and whenever they want to. Who stops them ? Nothing but their ego. So, one needs to understand ones individuality first.

If a child cries that he needs one parent, then send them over to the parent. If the parent needs them as much as the kid does, then good for both. Else, the kid will understand who wants him / her . This way, good parenting is shown. If kid wants both the parents, meet often like
' good parents ' not necessarily as lovey dovey couples !

Anyday, a fighting and arguing set of parents are worse than divorced parents. IMO.

You really bought up a very good topic LG. :thumbsup I am soo glad you did.

 

dear lg,

the questions you are asking have been floating around since aeons, but unfortunately there is no satisfactory reply for them as yet. imo, it is largely due to social conditioning. the only way to change this in a positive manner is to train our younger generation differently at home and at school. so a change can be hoped for in the next generations. as for us, the only ones who can change anything is ourselves. if we feel we are being treated unjustly, it is upto us to have the courage to stand up and scream out loud, and not only stop at that - we have to take some positive action (suited to us) to make sure that we find our happiness.

as for what you say about people staying in an unhappy marriage for the children's sake, i do not agree with that. children are only an excuse. the real reason for staying in a loveless marriage is resistance to change and fear of the unknown; there is no guarantee that we are going to be happier having walked out of a marriage. if we were to have that guarantee, i am sure, more people would end up with a divorce.

then happiness is ultimately subjective and it has to come from within. no one has everything. something that i consider indispensable to my happiness could be a cause of unhappiness to someone else. i might consider someone else unhappy, because he lacks abc that i have or i may be unhappy because i lack xyz. that same guy may be consider himself happy to be having xyz, while i feel happy to have abc. similarly in marriage, my spouse may lack some qualities, but he may have others which i may not have found in anyone else i may have married.

i am sorry if i sound too vague, but that is the best i can explain myself. btw, it is not only women who are at the receiving end. read today's (24th jan) times of india for article which says "mortgaged man gets relief after 5 years". it is not uncommon to read about social support groups for harassed husbands.

so my dear, i really feel it is just a question of making the best of the situation that has been dished out to us. as they say, "is duniya mein kisiko mukammal jahan nahin milta, kisiko zameen to kisiko aasman nahin milta"

 

It does not have to be always. If it is happening always in your case, then you need to communicate about that with your partner.

 

LG,

I never said yours or any marriage should end in divorce. Every marriage deserves a chance, a risk and what not. But, living in a marriage by saying
' just for the sake of kids ' is what I disagreed to. Again, as I said, it depends on attitude and many characteristics to fall in place to go ahead with marriage and make it end even. So, it is upto each one's circumstance and nature of problem. My heart goes out to you when you say, ' deppressed ' ! The man you are married to is supposed to take care of this and you. Ufortunately, that is missing, else you wouldnt write here this way. Sorry about that. But, instead of sitting there and feeling sick, maybe as Spiderman said, you could try and communicate this to your hubby. Again, I am sure, you have tried umpteen number of times to do the same, just dont let go. Try, maybe your patience will pay off.

I have nothing else to say, rather would ask you to stay strong and not break down. Take care.