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How can I handle this?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Venba, Jun 30, 2010.

  1. Venba

    Venba New IL'ite

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    About us:
    We have been married for 4 years and have a kid of 1+ years.Ours was a (should say)love marriage with considerable acceptance from both of our parents.
    About me:
    I am an IT Professional and came here on a work visa and got married later.I am the last kid in my family and all my siblings are considerably elder to me. My parents visit us once a year stay for a month or so.
    I have couple of siblings who live close by just a few miles away and have quiet a few relatives in and around town.
    About my husband:
    He is an IT Professional too came here to work and we got married later.
    He is the first kid in his family and have a few siblings who are younger to him(younger to me as well) by a few years.He has no relatives here.

    In the first few years it looked like it was fine except for a few issues of which some still linger. However, that is not the issue now.
    He has this moody/irritation cycle where he will be upset for the most simplest thing even if it is his own fault and not talk for days or weeks
    and ignore people around as though they don't exist and will suddenly start talking as though nothing had happened. Will not apologize or feel bad for what he did. After the kid was born I see this has increased a lot. He gets irritated with me if the kid cries or is sick. It is so hard for me to care for the kid and also try to manage my husband. He would even be upset with me for days because I fed the kid with hand instead of a spoon. He wants to control me on everything, as long as you go by what he says with no objections or comments it is fine, the moment you open your mouth even with suggestions, he would say you won't listen to anything I say. For you only your family(before marriage) comes first.

    I talk to my siblings and my parents(when they are here) a few times in a week. He does not like this.He thinks we talk about him. He asks what else could you talk. I am of the kind who does not show out/share any issues (between me and my husband)with my family because it would create an impression for them and that may not change even if I patch up with my spouse.I have told him and explained several times that I don't talk about him. But he would not be convinced. And there is no instance where he found out that I actually spoke about him. But if any of my family members make a casual comment he still thinks I told them something and that is the reason they commented that. And for the same reason he does not want any of my family members to visit me. We live so close by and my siblings kids have been very close to me even before I was married and
    they feel I'm their second Mom.My husband just hates this.He says he won't be comfortable if his kid feels so close to my siblings. He is so loving to our kid but would show so much hostility to my siblings kids. He does not like my family members spending time with my kid, because he does not want my kid to be close to any of them. He is over possessive with the kid.He did not like or let my mom do anything for the kid right from day 1(right from the hospital). Now due to his over possessiveness, insecurity and inferiority complex he does not want any of my family members to visit me. When I was on a break my sister sometimes visits me during the day when she is off from work and he just hates this. He asks me why
    I did not tell him that she was going to visit. And even if I do. He says why din't you ask me before saying yes to her. My question is I'm home, my sister just drops in for 10-15 mins. And he is at work. Why should I get his permission. Is'nt it my house too. Don't I have the freedom to meet my family. How does it hurt. It is the same if I go as well, I go to spend an hour with my parents at my siblings house just a few miles away once during the week (when I was not working) when he is at work. He makes a big deal about that. He tells me I have to get his permission and I 'm bound to tell him because I'm taking the kid.
    (Back in India his married sis and kids spend more than 12 hours everyday at her parents home.)

    So now he is so hostile with my parents and family members that he won't talk a word to them even when they come home and shows it all in his facial expression.My parents are getting old they come here not to bother us but just try to be helpful cook, take care of the kid etc. I don't think they deserve this. He says he will be happy to have his parents and spend for them than spend for mine. By spending for my parents he means just the food expense when they are here.We don't take them on vaccations or anything. All other expense they bring money back from India. And every time they come they bring all sorts of stuff and jewellery and clothes for us.
    And in return, I don't give them any money. But my husband does give his parents money with out my knowledge all these years. I figure it out from his conversation or in someother form bank account etc.
    Even if I ask him he says do I have to tell you. I always ask his parents to come, but they don't because they have other commitments for other siblings.
    What can I do? Just because his parents don't get to spend time with him or our kid. WHy shouldn't my family members do. It is all about feasibility.
    There are no other issues between my family members and him. If I ask why he does not like them, he says I don't like them and I don't have to have a reason.
    He has got onto this doubting mode. If my siblings call and my husband is home for lunch, they generally say ok go serve lunch for him and we can talk later. But he thinks I cut the call just because he got home.
    The more I try to satisfy or please him the more he finds fault and makes it a big deal. I'm to the point where I think I can't just satisy him.
    Earlier during our marriage he was the one who was here in this state and I moved from a different state to join him and the place he picked to stay was close to my siblings I basically did not want that.
    And now he says all that he did by mistake and either wants to move to a different state or move back to India. Earlier he never prefered moving back to India.
    Now, all of a sudden he wants to move back. He says he is going to move with the kid whether I come or not.
    My parents lived with me before we were married and He very much knew and I have told him then that my parents would visit us even after we get married. He did not have an issue then.
    But everything is a issue now, even me changing the A/C temperature in the house, because he thinks I'm doing it for them, though the actual reason was I found it a little warmer than usual.

    Basically, the problem I feel is his insecurity, over possessiveness, inferior feeling that he does not have any family out here and may be a indirect form of jealousy.
    Because, he gets so irritated even if I spend some time with my mom in the kitchen. And if I seem happy in their company, he will be wild. How can you be happy when we just had an argument.
    Why not, Would you be sobbing to everybody you see because you had an argument. Yes it is going to be at the back of your head bothering you but you don't cry to every soul you see.
    The more I try to accomodate his needs the more he expects and makes me suffocate. He is just not happy with what I do.

    If somebody has similar experience throw some light on how I can handle this.
     
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  2. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Venba,

    Have you tried going to India and spending a good amount of time with his family ? If no, then maybe you should. It will be a change for both you and him.

    I dont think we should write more, because you recognise your problems well.. you know he is insecure and feels lonely.

    Now, that doesnt mean, you need to bend backwards to be supportive. You just need to be YOU and normal and not try to over-please him. By doing that, you are trying to show that you care.. But, Venba he is not understanding it, instead is making you feel all the more miserable.

    So, take a U-turn. Do not do anything " extra " to please him. Just talk frank. When he gets annoyed for nothing, just leave him till he gets over it himself. Sometimes he would sometimes he may get all the more upset. Whatever, you need to try something else from what you are used to till now.

    Dont expect him to talk normal to your parents or siblings .. ignore his funny acts. He will give up on those tantrums eventually.

    Dont stand there and feel frustrated at his tantrums, just answer him and move on with your kid.

    Another thing you could also try is, to give up meeting your family for atleast a month or so and first handle his nature of controlling you in every little thing. Ignore him when he cribs and show that you find it weird. Spend more time with yourself and kid, so that he realises he is being a difficult person to be around with.

    Stand fozen and look perplexed.. am sure he will get the message eventually. Also, when he goes into this hibernation of not talking for days, leave him to himself, after asking him once as to what is troubling him. If he starts to talk normally, just be normal too, do not bother to ask what troubled him.

    See, how this works for you.
     
  3. Venba

    Venba New IL'ite

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    Thanks Preethi for your suggestions(and also for reading the long post). Will try it. Trying to hang in there. These days I absolutely have no expectations of him and I guess I'm getting used to just doing the chores and spending time with the kid. Other than mandatory conversations, I simply don't have any. Because, whatever I have to say he has to blame something on me even if it is very obvious that it was his fault. I very much feel I'm always around a boss.
     
  4. maroon

    maroon Gold IL'ite

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    Venba dear, this looks weird indeed. I agree with you that he is being over possessive, insecure because his own family members are not here and probably even jealous of the bond you have with your family.

    How about writing to him at length (not speaking), recollecting the memorable times you spent with each other before marriage, the dreams you had for both of you for your married life and something to the tune of "you are everything to me" (a little exaggeration wouldnt harm). Tell him he means a lot to you more than your parents or siblings just to boost his ego a bit. Tell him you love his parents as well. Effectively, try to prove him beyond doubt that you love him and you dont believe in talking about your issues to your parents or siblings behind his back. At the end of it, tell him you really would like to enjoy your life with him and it is all in his hands.

    All this could be just an attempt to see if it shakes him a bit to realize few things. You never know, so please give it a try. All the best dear.
     
  5. madeinengland

    madeinengland New IL'ite

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    I like DrPreethis idea of spending some time with his family. Talk to him about it and see what he says. Tell him that you understand that he is frustrated that your child has not been able to make a close bond with his family as well as yours so if his parents cannot come to the US, what would he think about sending you to their place for a few weeks?

    Is there a person in your family that he likes spending time with? Maybe a brother or BIL? You could try to spend more time with them as a couple and if he becomes better friends then he might not feel so bad about you spending time with your family as well.

    I think the other issues are that he feels neglected compared to the amount of time you spend with your family so it might be a good idea to make him feel more appreciated occasionally or spend some quality time with him. You could try to both take your kid to the park together at the weekend or make a small daytrip to a nice place in your state. If he has any hobbies or interests then try to think of something to do with that too.

    I think it might be a good idea to sit down and have one more frank chat with him about interaction with your family. Tell him that you have only been spending more time with them when you are on your own since he doesn't seem to like to see them. Ask him if he would prefer to do things as a family with them or whether he would prefer you to see them on your own. Maybe if given the options, he will think about his actions before having a go at you for any decision you make.

    Also, how do your family feel about your husband? Do they try to involve him in things? You could try some strategies here as well.
    For example, if your sister is having a dinner party at her house, your sister or brother-in-law could phone and invite your husband (& his family) rather than your sister speaking only to you and then him feeling like he's being dragged along. If he feels the invitation is for him then he will feel like he made the decision and he will be happier about going.
     
  6. varah

    varah Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Venba,

    Yes. we are sailing on the same boat. I was thinking am the only one to who is born to tolerate these weird characteristics which no husband would have. but sorry to note you also have one like mine in ur house.

    I am also IT professional who moved to African country after ARRANGED marriage, 1+ yrs, no kid, my husband only son no siblings.

    I can't just imagine there is someone like him in this words. same words, same behaviour ditto. My H is also too possesive, insecure.

    exactly. For the thing which we just laugh at, he behaves so childish and gets upset and he will make sure he hurt me in return immediately and not talk, doesn't eat what i cook, come back from office,watch sports, go to bed without eating. I have to take the food and beg. I want to make him understand what he has done is not correct and I also try to be aloof for 2 days. Then 3,4,5th day he will start showing more aggression, call and scold his parents that the girl they have chosen is not good to him. all tantrums on earth ! The parents call me and ask me to adjust. fed up yaar !

    200% true. control on everything. right from kitchen to money matters. They dont like women to be independent types.You can't open your mouth. Men like him doesn't know the menaning of "Discussion". HE says "You wont listen to anything I say. your family is also like that. Its because you have that in blood..blah..blah..blah".

    Recently i said "I am not ur office junior or salaried employee to say Yes for whatever u say". He got so annoyed and the same routine behaviour.

    People like him want their wife to be like a employee. Just listen to what they say, keep mum. Otherwise he yells that am behaving like a male and arrogant. As one of our friends said over-please will not bring them to senses. You see thse people doesn't have friends just like my H. My H is even more, he can't stand a man-woman friendship. Its the biggest crime on earth. Before marriage I had my college friends, colleagues with whom i move jovially, friendly. Today I am lost in this african country with no contacts with anyone.

    He says that i talk about him onli to my parents, friends. Not even talk i complaint about him. Venba, dear these creatures are unique to be kept in museum.

    Can u imagine this? I had a colleague friend {whom i call best friend and stored him as "My dear friend" in my mobile} even before marriage. One day after marriage he noticed that and till this day he haresses me that I loved him and because of it onli am not POSSESSIVE on him as he his. He did worst thing like creating a email address resembling same friends name and chatted with me asking questions like "do u like your husband?", "i he keeping u well", "what probs u have?"...he accepted that he did that to spy on me. this happened 8 months back. I was terribly hurt and stayed in india for 3 more months after he left to africa.

    Just could not tolerate my parents nagging, i flew back and now same drama. he say that i loved the guy and thats why i stored as "my dear friend". and yesterday he even told me that i am still fearing him because he will find out my illegal relationship and he is just waiting for any evidence to thrash me. I said that he doesn't have to wait till that and I am ready to divorce him.

    Do you think that a girl can live after knowing that husband is always behind him, spying to find and ruin a girl's character. I feel what i did id right. I have stopped talking to my so special friend for months together after those incident happened. Friends understand but these people wont. He says I am planning to move out and live with my friend :) what do u have to tell me.
     
  7. Asha123

    Asha123 New IL'ite

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    Dear Vara & Venba,

    To tell u the truth i am also in the same boat as u girls, but not anymore, first 2 yrs of my marriage was exactly what you discribed about ur husbands characters, i had no relatives or sibilings, were as he had his 3 bothers living couple of miles away from each other, my elder co-sis is a evil spirit, she would add more oil to the fire rather than helping me out in my tought time, that's a different story, i dont want to get into it.

    I will tell u what i did, he would torture me by using my frineds name that i had before marriage, find faults for no reason, what all u both mentioned, exactly same thing, worst of all he used to abuse me big time physically and mentally, i had completely stoped talking to my parents since he would not let me call them, i was going thru the abuse thingking that my parents must be happy thinking i am settled and happy in my marriage and i wanted them to think the same, one fine day, after physically abusing me, he called my parents and spoke to them, that's it, that moment was the turning point of my life, the only reason i was going thru all the abuse was my parents were not aware of it, now that they know, i thought y should i go thru, and gave him back, yes u hear me right, i have him back all the physical abuse that i was facing since 2 yrs, and siad good bye to him and left that hell with my 1yr old kid, stayed in a hotel for couple of days, his family tired to contact me and convience me, i paid no attendtion to anything they said, he understood his mistake and brought me back home.

    I dont say that he became a very good husband after comming back, till date we have fight and issues, but nothing physical, he know that even if he attempts to touch me to harm me, he is going to payback big time.

    So please stand up for urself, there is not love in pain, what kind of a husband is he if he is abusing his wife till date for having a good male friend.
    Dont take that **** anymore, just leave him for some time, if he wants u he will understand u and come to u, but dont please him or bend before him, these kind of men will try to bend u even more if u bend little for them, rather lift ur head and stand straight and face them.

    Good luck.
     

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