How can I be happy with my husband when I don't like my in-laws?

bubai · Dec 3, 2013

Hello All,

I am back again. I need your help again. I had a love marriage 11 years back. My husband is a doctor and I work for a Wall Street company. We are both very ambitious people and that was one of the key reasons why we fell in love in the first place. Of course after marriage and kids, Ihad to take the backseat and took some time off from work….I am not complaining about it. In fact, I enjoyed that time with my kids, esp. with my younger one,I stayed home for 2.5 years and really enjoyed being with himJ. Like most Indian families, I took the traditional role of a nurturing mother, learnt a lot of cooking and I am so proud to say that I can host wonderful parties now.

My basic nature hasn’t changed though….and I am still a dreamer….for me, there isno life without dreams. I knew exactly when I wanted to go back to work. After 4 rounds of interviews, I was picked up by this top company 6 months back and Iam doing very well. I manage a team of 17 people and I do it quite well. Needless to say, it requires a lot of work. I am up until 2:00 am most days andget going with 4-5 hours of sleep daily….I compensate for it during weekends bytaking afternoon naps. I like it that way.
Well coming to the real problem now….me and my husband haven’t really adjusted to our new routine yet. Earlier, I did everything formy boys…but now it is impossible to take care of a team at work, cook, clean,take care of a big house, teach the kids, their activities….I always feel I am stretching myself way too much…We fight often and sometimes scream at each other. We have to figure out a way to spend time with each other and I am surewe will do it soon.

My in-laws are here for 3 months. They always come around this time of the year and stay for couple of months. They love my sons a lot and pamper them. The kids love their dada-dadi too. We had few screaming matches at home (I am not a saint and I scream a lot when I am mad- I know Ihave to work on that) but the problem is that my in-laws start shouting at metoo when I have an argument with my husband. My in-laws had lots of problems with me when we were getting married, like….I wasn’t a south-indian, I was not rich like them, etc, etc….They have been very very rude to me in the past. Few times I gave it back. My relationship with my in-laws is very weird…sometimes Ilike them and sometimes I absolutely hate them. They often talk about me when my husband is at work….I don’t understand their language completely but some Ican. I hate it!! My in-laws are very proud of their son, I am proud of myhusband too, very very proud! But they try to put me down all the time, esp. my MIL….she picks fights with me every now and then, never talks to me affectionately, thinks that I lead a team of idiots and under-qualified people and anyone from the street can do my job. I sense jealousy in her but I am notsure….I just don’t know how to react to it.

The fact is that I love my husband and when we two are happy with each other, I know our sons love it, they thrive and do really well.That’s exactly what I want from life but I am a person who tends to build resentments. I can’t forgive people who treat me bad. I make enemies easily andsometimes I like it that way. That gives me a very strong drive to do well. ButI can’t have this attitude towards my in-laws. How can I have a good relationship with my husband when I don’t like his parents? How can I manage to have a smiling face when my husband talks about his parents? I am not good at faking smilesL.

So I need help here to be happy with my husband without thinking much about my sadistic in-laws…..How should I go about it?

Best,
--Bubai

Endlesshope · Dec 3, 2013

" I make enemies easily andsometimes I like it that way. That gives me a very strong drive to do well"

Applying this to your ILaws situation, should give you enough reason to have an awesome relation with the husband .

sweetypi · Dec 3, 2013

First of all, I think you should hire part-time help for household work so that you are not stretched to your limit. Next, disregard your MIL's opinions about your work. It's none of her business and her opinions don't count. And they ARE jealous.
Does your husband know about his parents talking openly about you in their language ? (Since you are not too thrilled about it, I assume they are not praising you). If he does, what is his take ? Can you not talk to yourself in your language while they are at it ?
IMO, you can have a good relationship with your husband in spite of all this, if he is supportive enough and appreciative of your efforts to manage home and work. Try to teach your kids your language as well. That will send a message to your ILs subtly.
You need not be all smiles when your DH is talking about his parents. Be matter-of-fact but polite.
For your own good, try some stress-relieving techniques like meditation, something you can easily fit into your busy schedule. :thumbsup

bubai · Dec 3, 2013

@Endlesshope, I am not sure about that. My MIL is my husband's mother and he loves her dearly and she hates me and I don't like her. She is not my enemy and I can't treat her like that. That is where the confusion....How do I let it go and move on?

Best,
--Bubai

ramyakrish1 · Dec 3, 2013

Please count the number of times you have used "I" in your post. When you replace I with We, even Illness becomes Wellness.

Address it with your DH and chalk out a plan together. You are just being a wife and they are just being in-laws. This is not a very big issue if you open up and reason with each other.

bubai · Dec 3, 2013

@Sweetypi, yes, I have a nanny who takes care of my toddler while I am working. My husband appreciates what I do but he does not always stand up for me when they are rude. They speak a lot of non-sense to me when he is not there....If I talk less, I am ignoring them....If I talk well, they try to walk all over me.

sweetypi · Dec 3, 2013

@Bubai: Most PILs seem to love doing that, but your case is different because of the language issue. If they are trying to walk over you in their own language, you resort to yours ! If the discussion is about you, play some music in your own language. Get headphones and keep them plugged in till they decide to address you directly. If they complain you are ignoring them, you can say that since you were not included in the conversation, you decided to amuse yourself. Be happy and see them disappointed !

@Ramya: I hope you don't follow your suggestion of replacing 'I' with 'We' when you actually have an illness :hide:

bubai · Dec 3, 2013

@Ramyakrish1, it is about me, so I will stick with "I". My husband thinks there is no problem and there is nothing to talk about....He loves his parents blindly and sometimes does not even believe that they can be so mean. This is something he is not comfortable discussing...I just don't know how can I make myself happy when they are here.

bubai · Dec 3, 2013

@sweetypi, thanks....appreciate your suggestion!

sheztheone · Dec 3, 2013

Bubai, welcome back!

I think that you should completely ignore your MIL when she is being rude and try to minimize direct interaction with them.

It is good to channelize negative energy in a positive way, but when you answer back for most things you give them the satisfaction of knowing that they can affect you. In you mind, always maintain that they are your H's parents, elders, and that you will do your duty. Let your H do most of the talking an taking out when they are at your place.
Sometimes, backing off can be the best remedy for the situation and the mind.

I would suggest that you focus more on your job, house and kids-this will help you be at peace and handle everything with a smile.