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How Are You Going To Take Care Of Parents/in Laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SeekingMind, Dec 15, 2016.

  1. SeekingMind

    SeekingMind Silver IL'ite

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    Indians living abroad, we have come to an alien land, made a living, feel sort of comfortable with the material we have so far earned and accumulated.
    Now many of us are in a situation where we have growing kids and their needs to be met on one hand and on the other hand we have aged parents or in laws.

    Have you left it for time to decide or have you started thinking on how you will take care of your parents or in laws during their sunset years?

    Did you make any arrangements for them back home or do you have your siblings taking care of their needs? If your siblings take care then what do you contribute towards parents responsibility?

    If your husband is the only son or only child then how are you dealing with a situation like this?

    In future, Do you plan to bring them permanently to where you live? Are they willing to come live in a foreign country?

    Please share your plans and ideas, after all we are all in the same boat. Your plans may benefit others too.
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op.. even i wrote a long para and deleted it.. the thing is ..i am just scared thinking of that day/times
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    These days there are retirement homes and not old age homes.there is a difference.people actually like it.

    on the other hand,if you want family together, there HAS to be sacrifices...

    1)the parents have to come and settle with us abroad.they might be unhappy being secluded home all day,depressed even but at least they are with kids

    2)they have to be alone in their own home during their old days.they will have bout of happiness,friends,relatives but somewhat insecure and lonely coz we are not with them

    3) we kids have to move back to India.It comes with lot of sacrifices,adjustments,regrets or it might be better.Only time can tell and it is a risky move if we are not mentally prepared and ready to go back to a life of adjustments.

    4)going back with small kids is easier but with elder kids it is tough.kids might be unhappy.


    One of us has to make the sacrifice..who would it be?
     
  4. anupartha

    anupartha Gold IL'ite

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    One of us has to make the sacrifice..who would it be?
    Thats a valid question. And the answer is obvious, if not 100% mostly I can say, that its the parents who will be yielding/sacrificing generally. For each their own. And the condition of the current 'children' who would become The Parents, is all the more pathetic. Only consolation is that they will/may be more mentally prepared. Just that.
    And this holds good for any parent/children India or abroad. Both the parties, the parents and the children have to converge on a middle ground and decide, but its easier said than done for lot of emotions and sentiments are involved. I dunno how am I going to tackle this, for right now I am in my 50s and able to travel up and down. But I am well aware things aint gonna remain the same and change soon. Perhaps I will be able to give a more appropriate answer to this query from my personal experience then.
    Right now all is well in Anu's world. :)
     
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  5. aspha

    aspha Gold IL'ite

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    In our case both my husband and SIL are in same country (USA) and same city (Boston) as well. Both of them (DH and SIL) don't want to return to India. Currently my in-laws are going through Green card (GC) process. By God's grace they are very fit and active. plus they enjoy their time here more than in India. We have already started creating events for them. My FIL will be teaching chess to the kids. MIL loves reading so she will be volunteering at the local library and take language lessons (marathi).
    Both, MIL and FIL are keertankars, so we are planning to organize their keertans in temples on festivals and even at home. By end of next year they will be moving with us.

    For my parents, it's a different story. my sister recently got married in same city where my parents live. My father has not visited me due to visa issues since I came here in 2008. Also, my mom is not comfortable staying with "damad" (son-in-law). So that's a tough nut to crack.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not living in abroad. But I have many relatives who live in abroad, and have thought about this in detail.

    Fist of all, it is important to settle in your life. That's why so many people have chosen to live in abroad, and adjust their life style to fit into the place where they live right now. It comes as a package with loads of adjustments from all the ends. However, they weigh it and think it brings more pros than the con. It means the adjustments are all worth.

    Then comes the middle times of your life. That's when you have young/teen kids whose future is in your hands. At the same time, your parents become old and in valid; thus they become your dependents.

    You can't chose one over the other. If you do so, you will live with guilt permanently. Whether to accept this guilt or pretend to live as it does not affect you is a choice.

    As for your kids, they are your primary dependents until they become adults or married to have their own nest.
    For the parents, you have a choice. You have siblings (if any) and their gender doesn't matter.
    So, you can make arrangements in consultation with your siblings.

    As for my cousins and relatives who live in abroad, the ones who live in the home country is responsible for their parents by default. It is not a responsibility, rather a privilege.
    But the ones who live in abroad, earn in $ and moved to abroad for a better living are responsible to shed some $ to compensate their physical responsibility over their parents.

    In fact, it is not too hard for the son or DD who lives in India to take care of their parents physically/emotionally. Similarly it is not a huge issue for the abroad living son or DD to shed some $ for the same.

    Now that sharing $ for the elderly parents is a subjective matter. How much an elderly parent needs?

    In my family, the cousins who live in abroad share more $ with their parents than what they need. This way, they know that their parents would favor their other kids who are physically living with them indirectly.
    And the $ coming to their houses via the parents would encourage the children, and most importantly their spouses to take better care on their elderly parents.
    When the parents are safe and settled, it gives immense satisfaction to the abroad living children, as they are not in a position to take care of their parents otherwise.
    The $ coming to their household via the parents (through their abroad living siblings) satisfy the children living in India, as it is a jackpot to them. If not the elderly parents are with them, they will not be getting these luxuries.

    Both the children contributes towards their parents. Just that, we acknowledge that everything is monetarily valued in today's world.

    So my advice would be.... The sons or DILs should not bother so much about the money sent to India from the US/abroad to the parents if they are not in a position to leave their comfort, and go back to India to care for the elderly.
    As long as the money sent to India is not intolerable or unacceptable, the just more than what is needed (a little more) should be ignored.

    The sons and DILs living in India and taking the responsibility of the elderly parents shouldn't bother too much about the physical efforts they are required to make. They should rather consider their parents as a 3rd income instead of a burden.
     

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