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Hope I too won't become the typical MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by hamsapriya, Jun 18, 2010.

  1. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    Dear janavi, semaphore,vidya,aruna

    Thanks for ur replies to my post. Vidya u r lucky indeed that ur MIL is sort of an independant woman. keep up the relations just as it now forever. Thanks all u friends for liking my post. I was a little hesitant to post it firstly 'cos it is my 1st post & 2ndly I was thinking against the "Indian Tradition"... But I'm glad there are people like me... Thanks to all of you....:cool2:
     
  2. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Thats a wonderful post. I really like the idea of making friends. Friends are my power all these years (btw am in my mid 20s) and I believe that we friends would be the same all thru our life.

    This reminds me of sis who is in her early 40s and her son (my nephew) 17 now whose world is just kids and no friends. The way she takes extra care and does everything for him now and wants everything to be done her way...she does not realise the fact that he is not kid anymore... i feel shez gonna be typical MIL. I see all those qualities in her and the expectiations she has but always says that I dont expect anything from my son.

    :bonkThough me and my mom feel the same about my sis, we cant dare tell her this.
     
  3. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    Dear maggi,

    I feel what ur saying is perfectly true. Becoming the typical MIL doesn't start overnight. as u say xtra possessiveness about the son makes the mom a typical one and later typical MIL to the DIL. Poor DIL will have to bear so many things. It will be tough for all the 3 to adjust ....
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is seriously the best thread!

    I have also made a similar decision of letting my son live his life with his dw and kids peacefully...me nd dh will start our second honeymoon! Right now my son is only 3:rotfl...wow!

    but my dh does not agree with me on this point...but i still have several yrs at my disposal to convince him:thumbsup...hope more women start thinking of letting go of their grown up sons...
     
  5. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    There are just as many women who are EXTREMELY possessive about their daughters, too. Usually, mothers of daughters don't seem to understand that they have to have the same boundaries with their daughters as mothers of sons should. This is because women generally do not object much to their mothers' intervening while they do feel much more strongly about a MIL's. But when it gets to the point of no-return, then daughters start speaking up, too, and a warm mother-daughter relationship gets smashed to smithereens due to the immaturity of one (or both) parties.

    My aunt is one such over-possessive woman, and she almost wrecked her daughter's married life in the process. She had some outrageous expectations from the daughter, such as phone calls every single day for close to 2 hours, visits every single weekend, involvement in the daughter's choices of house, children's schools, even her investment decisions!!!! But she wanted the in-laws to be put at an arm's length by the daughter and SNIL. When the daughter failed to comply with her ridiculous instructions, she started having major problems and went off the rails!

    Some examples of her 'advice' to her married daughter: 'Don't cook twice a day, make your husband cook one meal as he is also eating every day!' (at the time, cousin was a housewife!), 'Don't go on any vacations with your in-laws' or 'Spend only 3 to 4 hours on one Saturday per month at their home, no need to visit them every other weekend' or 'Let your co-sister alone nurse your MIL back to health, your MIL is not your job, let their other DIL take the responsibility' or 'best' of all 'Don't let your kids get too close to your FIL & MIL as then they will lose some affection for you!!!!!'

    Mind you, my cousin had always had a great relationship with her MIL and co-sister, but my aunt just couldn't digest the idea of her daughter being close to ANYONE other than herself (mother) and her sister (cousin's sibling). She did not want the daughter to have a loving relationship even with her SNIL because she felt that her daughter could either love her mother or her husband, that the daughter simply could not love both equally!!!!

    Things really became bad when my cousin went to work part-time, about 2 years into the marriage. My aunt began to teach my cousin things like 'Don't spend a paisa of your salary on the household, make your husband spend as he is the man and it is his DUTY to take care of you', or 'Don't permit your hubby to give more than X number of rupees to his parents every month, as you are not a 'pension scheme' for them' etc.

    My aunt's reasoning for wanting to control her daughter's marriage and her relationship with her in-laws was that she had 'single-handedly' brought up her daughters, and so their first duty was towards her, and not to anyone else, even their own husbands! She also thought that she was an expert on marriage (!) and that it was her job to 'help' her daughter 'navigate the troubled waters of married life'. This was even though my cousin was married to a very good guy and had a loving - not a troubled - marriage!

    Eventually, my cousin's husband had enough of the MIL's constant intervention in his marriage, and gave my cousin two choices. Either be my wife or be your mother's daughter. You are unable to perform both jobs equally well.

    You can guess what my cousin 'chose to be'. If my aunt hadn't been such an over-possessive control-freak, she might still have been in her daughter's and grand children's lives today.

    I personally feel that possessive parents - whether they have sons or daughters - first destroy their children's marriages, and then they destroy their OWN relationship with those adult kids. 'Attached detachment' is hard to accomplish unless one practices it every single day, regardless of whether one's kids are male or female and whether they are a year old or forty years old.

    I always tell myself that while my kids came from me, they are not me and that their lives should not be spent catering to me and dancing to my tunes. I sincerely hope that my kids-in-law have equally reasonable and mature parents, so that my kids can have happy marriages and good lives and that we can all be one happy extended family.
     
  6. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    That's was a lovely post and it will make me all the more careful to deal with my daughter who is 14 now and my son. I liked the phrase used by you "attached detachment". Needs some profound thinking on that......:wave: Well that makes me say, it could also be "detached attachment". Will it mean the same? I will like your views on that ...
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  7. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Well my interpretation would be....
    "detached attachment" would I guess mean that though you are emotionally attached to the person you needn't be physically / mentally suffocating them with your presence ( read interference)
    "attached detachment"... well I would think that it means that you really are not so attached with the person BUT yet want to be a part of every moment of their life!!....
    Dear Hama...
    thanks for starting this thread will definately help a lot of young parents to take preventive steps now itself so that fewer mistakes are created in the future....
    Though my son is 12 yrs and only child I make sure that he has a life without me independently... I keep talking to him about how the world is full of opportunities and he should fly out of this nest as soon as he sees one.... I also have my own retirement plans and working towards savings.... I think we (thats ladies who are mid forties) will definitely change the perspective of MIL and will no longer be the hated ones.. Amen
    K
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    These days political correctness forces a lot of ladies to seldom speak the real words of their heart.... obviously many know how to tap it.. but reality check comes when you're crossing the bridge.

    Almost all the responders are of the current phase when they might be overwhlemed at the treatments they're recieving and forcing them to have a big plan of not interfering.. however the next generation shall change mutifold within 20-30 yrs with bigger struggle for resources due to ever increasing population.

    I've heard a lot of ladies always speaking X before or during preparation of son's marriage and -X (complete Uturn) when marriage is over, I guess reality hits at that time/ age and situation. We're busy and secure today and may be idle tomorrow... finance is not the sole reason why inlaws mess around.. there are many well planned inlaws who turn into HELL... issue is when people get into planning they dont cease it easily when its time to hand over the reign... cos they always feel they dint turn grey in sunshine............
    Most of the replies posted here were spoken 20 yrs back as well and still the same situation :bonk.............
    A lady can not turn into a typical MIL if she's never felt Jealous, insecure, competitive spirit or a Ego hurt throughout her life... this is my opinion... this is irrespective of your planning for old age... just as pregnancy comes with a bundle of harmones so does old age.
     
  9. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Hamsa,

    That term was not coined by me, and I think I may have got it mixed up. I believe it is detached attachment, and not attached detachment. It basically means that you can love your children but still not suffocate them with your constant presence in their lives or demands that prevent them from leading a lives independent of your own. Thanks for bringing that up!

    IMO, it is MORE difficult to let go of a daughter - who usually offers a LOT of emotional support (at least, from my experience, much more than a son would) - that it is to let go of a son. For this reason, and after seeing how badly my aunt-cousin relationship became a few years after my cousin got married, I would probably have to work more on letting my daughter go than my son. It is for this reason that I consciously practice detached attachment with both of them in small ways (as they are still very young). I try hard not make them the whole and sole focus of my life, so that when they fly the nest, I do not feel a loss of identity and try to cling to them in a vain attempt to cope with the 'empty nest syndrome'.

    Far too many women base their identities on being a mother, so that they HAVE feel needed by their kids all the time - even after the children are grown and gone - so that they feel that they STILL have a purpose in life! This, IMO, is the main reason why we have so many troublesome MIL-DIL (and more rarely) MIL-SNIL relationships. MIL does not realize that she is no longer the only one who can meet her kids' needs, and this makes her feel left-out and competitive with the upstart newcomer in her children's lives, the spouses, setting in motion the downward spiral that finally leads to the complete devastation of solid relationships and entire extended families.
     
  10. hamsapriya

    hamsapriya New IL'ite

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    Dear Shilpama
    Well with all respects your thinking I'd just like to add that at least the parents of the present generation will make a conscious effort of not interfering and lettin go of children to lead thier lives unlike the previous generation or maybe even this generation MILs who think it thier birthright to torture the bahus and have the sons in thier custody. Maybe they are doing it ignorantly or knowingly. So at least we the future ils will not think in those lines and give the kids thier choice of life.

    And that's why we should not be idle during our old age and pursue our intrests , hobbies and passions which we have lost out during child rearing years and keep ourselves busy and young at heart and of couse healthy...
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2010

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