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Hope for a change .. please advice.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by srajitha, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. srajitha

    srajitha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,
    I need all your advices. we are blessed with 2 kids (2.5yrs & 2month)from the time I have conceived my first kid I have seen many issues in my personal life coz of my DH i dont know why I was careless and gave birth to another baby. Coz of my children I am sticking to my DH and want him to change and understand what he is doing is wrong.

    I have seen many close msg b/w various women and him. In most of these msg both the parties use to exchange msg like I miss you , I love you , darling , baby , sexy , and so on and also sexy photos, when I asked him about it he said its just like that and there is nothing to get serious about and spoil our relation, so I thought I was being narrow minded and making a mess of our relation doing all these.

    Just few days ago I saw few conversations b/w him and other women saying 'I want you baby' and with another women he was asking her intimacy questions and **** links ,which really has broken my heart , to be frank ladies am very upset and feeling ditched. I have her # and also her social networking profile , I didnt speak to her coz what is the point of talking to her its my DH who has to change. I got very angry and got into fight with my DH about it he is saying he spoke just like that and no serious intention , I have harmed myself , i dont know what came into me I wanted to kill myself and tried to harm myself with knife , I have stopped coz of thinking of my kids.

    My brain is asking me to break any kind of relation that I have with him but since I still love him my heart is crying out of pain and also want to be with him coz of my kids , coz of my decision I dont want my kids to suffer in future. I want a break I am planning to go on a small holiday with just my kids without telling my DH , I dont want to tell him where , when am going but will tell him why am going away from him. and dont want to keep any contact with him when I am on this holiday I want him to realize my value. At the same time I dont want to expose what is going on to my parents and siblings. Please advice ladies. I need all your inputs
     
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  2. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    You need a trial separation from your husband. If he realizes your value and stops this kind of behaviour then you can move back to him. Your kids don't need this kind of influence from their father. You are right you need to take decision keeping your kids in mind.
     
  3. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    divorce and move on. kids don't need such father. Women are very strong and dont depend on such people anymore.
     
  4. spice

    spice Bronze IL'ite

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    Dont leave families out of this matter. Atleast bring his family into picture. If you have solid proof against him, show it to his parents. This will put pressure on him.

    Going on a vacation is much needed by you, but there is a possibility your DH may misuse this time period to his fullest freedom. Instead ask his parent to come over n stay with you guys for sometime, if you are comfortable with them.

    If anyone has to leave the house, let it be him and not you n the kids.

    Be strong. Hugs to you.
     
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  5. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Really? Ask him how he would feel if you were the one who sent out such messages to men and would he still brush it off as nothing more?

    First things first, stop thinking that you are to be blamed for being narrow minded. You are NOT. Its NOT natural for a guy to receive such messages and **** links from women. You are absolutely right in suspecting and making a hue about his actions.

    This is a great thing about you. I absolutely hate the women who call up the woman and blast her saying 'stay away from my husband'. This shows that you are a practical person who is not stupid.
    In my opinion, this is what you need to do:
    1) Give him one final chance. Be stern with him. Tell him that you are done with his 'not-so' serious relationships. Tell him this is the last time you will put up with it. Read his reaction. if he has no means of stopping, then there is no point in continuing in a relationship that offers no respect to you.
    2)Are you working? If not, find one immediately. If yes, start securing your finances. Start separating your account from his. Start saving money for you and your kids needs. In three or four months, be independant enough to walk out if the need arises.
    3) Stop the self pity . You are an awesome person. Its your husband who is the scum(sorry for being harsh. But as a third person, I obviously feel no sympathy to him). Start respecting yourself and stop crying in front of him . It will make you weaker. The moment you start believing in yourself, there will be a visible change in you and I am sure your husband will definitely notice that you are not someone who will take it lying low from him anymore.
    4) At this point, give a hint to parents that all is not rosy. Not too much that they will panic, but if an extreme step is needed - it should not be an 'out of the blue' incident for them. Gauge their reactions, get them on your side.

    If you remain strong and think level headed, I am pretty sure you will overcome this. All the best!
     
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  6. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    I can only think of seperation from such a husband! All that you have mentioned is very unhealthy and you do not want such a influence in your kids life! Its better you try trial seperation first and if there is no change then you should consider moving on from this marriage!
     
  7. sacredbell

    sacredbell Silver IL'ite

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    Divorce / Separation is not a solution in this scenario. Given a chance, all men tries to flirt with other women. How often and how deep they go with it depends on their personality. One thing is clear, There is no Vishwamitra in this world..

    My DH stares at other women, when we go together..We had lot of heated arguments in this regard. According to him, it is normal for a man to watch other good looking women..My argument is to avoid it at least in my presence..

    My advise to you is to collect evidence and report it to his siblings or parents. Your DH has to realize himself that he is ''married'' and not anymore a bachelor so continue his timepasses without any inhibition...He should respect his partner's feeling and self esteem in each action..He should behave properly..
     
  8. kalaivetrivel

    kalaivetrivel Silver IL'ite

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    A big no- no for bringing third parties like his siblings into picture. It is an issue between the wife and husband and need to be sorted out only 'bilaterally'. Brining it to the knowledge of his siblings is going to contribute to no solution. It will only worsen the problem.
     
  9. desichica

    desichica Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP, hugs to you. You should probably inform your parents as soon as possible. Even if your husband changed, will you be able to trust him all over again? will you be able to forgive him?

    Its not your fault that your husband is cheating on you. Always remind yourself that you are one strong woman , and dont let a man like this ruin your future or future of your kids. Your kids need YOU more than anyone else. Get support from your parents. It will make you stronger. No man has rights to break the promises of marriage like that. Its too big of a mistake to forgive and forget.
     
  10. desichica

    desichica Silver IL'ite

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    also collect evidence, it might come very handy if you go through divorce route.
     

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