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Help!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by computerman, Jun 21, 2010.

  1. computerman

    computerman New IL'ite

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    hi i am new to this forum. I am married with a boy. My parents in india are having issues. my sis lives with her daughter with my mother and father. she is not responisble and my parents take care of her expenses (she left her husband). my parents still work. my father has lot of co curricular activities and spends a lot of money on them. my mother complained abt money and i started sending money to her. when i asked my father he said he pays all the household expenses. so i think my mother just saves the money. now she keeps complaining that my father comes home drunk and starts fights with her and is wanting me to solve the problem. the only solution to that is i bring my dad to live with us in theusa. my wife is not agreeable to that. she doesnt want to live in a joint family. she said u cant send them money and have them live with us as well. my father was here when my son was born and the visit didnt go too well. both were complaining - father is an old fashioned type whos not used to eat leftovers, and will complain about that. my wife says she works so she cant prepare fresh food 3 times. my father gets bored here coz he doesnt have anything to do. i dont know how much of what my mother is telling is true. what do i do
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Bringing your father is not a right solution.Beleive it or not,this has become issue for the people who living in USA.People are taking advantage of long distance and using emotionally.

    Suppose if you live in india near by your parents,you don't even care for all these day in day out issues.

    Your mother might have married for xx years and she should know how to handle her husband and you can't and won't solve her family problem.

    My advise just listen and ignore.If your father is beating your motehr then ask your mother to complain in women's cell in India.

    One of my frineds moved back to India(for the reason that father not taking care of the home) but when they move back the situation is different that what they described for the years.Anyhow they moved back and can't do much about it.

    Other people may not agree to my post.But that's what I feel.You can't have problems in your marraige to solve problems in your mothers marraige or your mother should live in different house if she is interested.Anyhow your father not taking any responsability then she can rent different house and live there.People think I am mean here but that's how the situation in India and kids who living in abroad.
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Computerman, can you visit your parents once and see what the problem is and who is telling the truth?
    Getting your father here when your wife doesn't like it is not a good idea. You cannot expect her to cook thrice a day, full time job and then care for your kid too. Your wife is right, no one can have the cake and eat it too.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  4. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    If there are problems at your parents place, the way to solve them is to think about solution that applies there itself. One thing is for sure, you need to take your wife into confidence in whatever decision you make as for sure she is going to be affected by your decision.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  5. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Computerman,

    I'd also suggest the same. Bringing your father here will not be a solution. Also how long will you make him stay here : 6 months , after that ?

    All families have this issue, and you advising your father or trying to solve your parents problem will be inappropriate. Just have your ears open to your mother when she vents out. thats the best we can do.
    your father may be a 50+/60+ yrs old man, you cannot suddenly change his mannerisms or character.

    As for wife not liking your Father's presence.. you should understand that life is not as easy as it sounds in US. Although you have dishwashers / gadgets, it still is painful to cook 3 times a day. In india, every household will have a maid who helps in daily chores unlike here. Moreover unlike in India , food does not go stale within a day. it remains fresh for upto 2 days. so there is no harm in eating left overs. (however i do agree you cannot force this on your father)
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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  7. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    mstrue, I mentioned it first but within minutes edited my post to protect psych's privacy. I think they may be using the same computer and this may have been in browser history, happens. Anyway if not you and me, others would have pointed it out.

    Anyway, with details like that it is very easy to relate.
     
  8. computerman

    computerman New IL'ite

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    oh this is my wife though she is not being nice about my parents :-( leave it and dont merge it. see shes so angry at my parents! they are my parents and this always starts a fight. both women are the same! she doesnt knwo i am here. she talked abt talking to some third party rather than friends or relatives. she really dislikes them :-( i do want my parents to have a good life. i dont know who is right. anything abt my family just angers her and she gets angry. i cant tell her anything.

     
  9. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

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    Ha..ha..True! How smart..! I mean, I am amazed that you could actually remember and link these two threads!! Yes..Computerman and Psych, you both look like that couple in question. And you both are searching for the solution to the same problem.

    It is a relief that none of you bad mouthed each other very badly in your individual threads. (That would have been worse...if you had ..like...dark secrets in your individual threads :) I mean psych had some thoughts about you 'computerman', but hey..aren't those normal! Majority of ladies view in-laws in a critical view and they also wonder why the husband is like that..does he care about her and her kids etc etc. It is all normal!

    I hope this discovery doesn't create a breach between you two. This only tells that you both are frustrated about the same issue and there is not much problem between you two. I do not have any comment very different from what others said here. I may write to you more later...

    Unknowingly (I guess..), you both came here for help. I hope you find ideas to solve your problem. Relax..as long as you both are together on this, you can solve any problems.

    Good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    This sounds like a problem posted by another poster in another thread.

    If your mother is working, then she may be having her own income. With that income, she can live separately from your father, with her daughter and grandchild. If she does not make enough to run an independent household, then you can financially support her to the extent of the difference so that she can live a comfortable life back home in India, with or without your physical support.

    Maybe your father will realize his mistakes when his wife and daughter move out, and will learn to treat them with respect and dignity. But, bringing him over to the US PERMANENTLY is not a solution. He can and should be able to visit you whenever he wants (I am sure your wife's parents visit often, too, and stay for 6 months at a time, yes?), but bringing him permanently here - especially if he is bored here - will not work in the long haul. Your mother should also be able to visit you whenever she wants or you can visit them all once a year or so, but the important thing is that your parents know that you are there for them and will support them to the extent possible so that they do not feel lost and lacking of a son's support (especially with a daughter whose married life is in shambles). Living in the US does not mean that you suddenly have ZERO responsibility towards your India-based parents!

    Your mother giving a police complaint about your father's violence towards sounds good - IN THEORY. In practice, this is neither feasible nor advisable. So, the best bet is to ask her to move out with your sister and to be supportive of her at this time, so that your father comes to his senses sooner or later and mends his ways.

    BTW, do not suspect that your mother is lying / exaggerating etc. Give her the full benefit of doubt unless you have personally visited them and verified FOR YOURSELF that things are not like she is portraying them to be. Do not assume that the situation may be different just because it 'seems' to be so for you. You never know what is really going on there, so believe her at this time and take action in her favor instead of claiming that doing so might affect your marriage etc. Unless your wife's heart is made of stone, she should not be having a problem with you helping / supporting your mother, especially if your mother is a victim of domestic violence. If she does complain, then ask her what she would do if HER mother was being beaten by HER father. Then act according to what seems fair, just and MOST appropriate to you at this time.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010

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