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Help Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Misha33, Sep 26, 2019.

  1. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    Yes I have nvr gotten myself to just go and be with him in his room, don't know why but I hesitate may be I feel what if he doesnt let me or makes some excuse I guess I am saving myself some embarrassment. I will mentally prepare and go for it may be next week I will post how it went hopefully good
     
  2. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    I think I am going to do it tonite, I am going to sleep in his room,will post how it went tomorrow wish me luck guys, dont know why but have butterflies in my stomach
     
  3. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    Hi all
    I'm back to let u guys know about what happened when I went to sleep in my husbands"s bedroom, so I decided last weekend that I will go and sleep in his room, so first I thought I need to ask him if I could sleep in the same room with him but then I thought of just going for it, so after my kids fell asleep I went and got in his bed when he was downstairs with his dad, after about an hour he came upstairs in the room and when he saw me in the room he asked what r u doing here and I told him that it's better that I sleep in the same room as him, he said why all of a sudden I am in his room and that it's better if i go and sleep in my room cuz sometimes kids wake up in the middle of the night and come to me, so he said because of that his sleep will get disturbed and he will have hard time falling back asleep, at this point I was feeling embarrassed and hurt so I got out and went to my room, after a little while when he was finally going to sleep he came in my room and said it's not a big deal that we sleep in different rooms and said to not make a big deal out of it and left.
    we r intimate may be once a month or once in a couple of months may be that's the reason he doesnt feel the need to be sleeping in the same bed with me .
     
    Sunshine04 and Amulet like this.
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Sept 30 was a Monday night.... also known as "school night" in America. Perhaps you could try it on a Friday or Saturday night. And let him sleep in late the next morning.

    Now that you had broken the ice, separate beds in the same room is also a choice you can discuss with your hubby. The rationale ? Children need to be trained when young to be in their own rooms and sleep through the night. Separate beds would also help to let both of you sleep through the night without fighting for the covers, or kicking one another during sleep. And then there are unmentionables that come from a high roughage or dal diet. One's own is more tolerable than anyone else's.

    One of the binders of a good marriage is the quiet sharing of nonsense, that is best done at bedtime. Sort of like bedtime story for the grownups. There'd be plenty from both work, and stay-home to tell each other. This can be done even while separated by a chasm between twin beds. That gap can easily be jumped, should the need arise with parties amenable and consenting. The natural segue from sharing news/gossip to the sharing of more cannot happen across walls.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....why did you stay silent.
    If I were in your place,I would march into his room and tell him it is a big deal that a married couple sleeps in different room.You are his wife ,not his sister.

    Ask him if he got married only for society?
    If he talks about his sleep getting disturbed,tell him to shut the eff up and stop making excuses and deal with whatever the hell is wrong with him.
    Then march out and shut the door on his face.

    Do you enjoy sleeping in different rooms and having sex once in few months when he feels like it.
    Did you get married only to become his sex toy?
    Kick him out next time he approaches for sex .
     
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Yellow Mango , as usual your suggestions are bang on ! But Don’t you think refusing intimacy will make things worse ?
    Everything I read so far indicates that OP’s husband likely has a narcissistic personality disorder ( disregard for feelings , sense of entitlement, inability to handle criticism, selfishness ). I could be wrong but I feel that is the issue. Should she point this out to the husband or will this make things worse ? Maybe reading about this would make both Op and husband view things in a different light ?



     
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its tricky.
    Dont women have some self respect??
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Bang on :blush:?! What a choice vocabulary to describe what hadn't happened and what should'a happened
    :banana:.​
    Yes, tricky indeed. As for self-respect, when parties are operating under a confidentiality agreement (not reveal what happens in private life to anyone else), this is not such an important issue.

    Plead, cajole, request, demand, and Insist ---what to use to get immediate service will indeed be tricky. Only the involved parties can know how fragile the other's psyche is. And besides, a man's readiness for service can be boosted or shriveled by the appropriate or wrong psychic pstroking.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I didn't get the meaning of the post
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    We could all be wrong. The only fact is that the husband is a narcissistic guy who believes in emotional abuse and gaslighting.
    He treats his wife like an object, a sex toy . He gets sex when he wants and then throws her aside like a used tissue and is back in his own life which has no space for op .

    If op is fine with it ,then this can continue forever. He will have sex once in a while when he wants and then cut her out. He will even explain that this is normal and she should not make an issue out of it.

    Or she can do something about it.
    If she asks questions or denies sex ....either he will become more abusive or go out for sex.
    Either of these will change status quo and the op may find reason enough to go her seperate way. Seek alimony and child support and lead a life of dignity.
     
    shreepriya likes this.

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