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Help Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Misha33, Sep 26, 2019.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Very bad. This is called victim shaming. Slowly and steadily he is training you not to ask questions, to accept whatever he does. In each incident you have written about it can be clearly seen. The outsize reactions are to scare and cow you so next time you will say ok fine what is it to me, I will keep quiet. Each time you gave in, stepped back. You kept quiet. In all this time did it improve the situation or did it make it worse?

    I really disagree with the replies that see faults on both sides.

    The hard truth is that the day you grow a spine, and start giving back, and making a stand and decide his screaming and shouting is not going to scare you anymore; and bravely face him and show him in your eyes that you are not cowed or afraid of him, that instead you are disgusted and fed up with him, the day you stop caring about him or his opinion or his reaction is the day you will see real change. Giving back means not in verbal abuse or threats but in quiet actions. No more compromises. No more giving up what you want to do just to keep the peace. As soon as he enters the home, leave it, on your work without making arrangements. You go to gym at a time which is not convenient to him. Or some other work. let him deal with dinner and house and kids. Stop appeasing him and start living your life. Be brave. You only have one life to live. You will have to snatch the right to live it back from this guy.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2019
  2. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    So last night we finally sat down to talk , he went first and said the same thing again that I made him mad and what he said was just his reaction to it, how a man's temperament is different from a woman's and when that happens things get said in the heat of the moment and it should not b taken to the heart, then he went on to say the he just doesnt like to be asked when he is out doing his stuff and he doent like when I ask him to spend time with me that he feels he has no freedom, and said if this keeps happening then our relationship's future is in trouble when It was my turn to talk I told him when he verbally abused me i felt humiliated, embarassed, and hurt ,he said he should not have said it but right away he said that people say far worse abusive words to their wives and what he said were not curse words just bad words. At this point I was done, he just doesnt seem to understand, he wont get it, he won't change , even when he is home he mostly spending time with his parents and I'm with kids, with tears rolling down my eyes as I write this, last nite I came to accept that there is no hope , he will not change, if I want to continue in this marriage It would be the same situation him living his life and me and kids living ours.
     
  3. blissfulmember

    blissfulmember Senior IL'ite

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    Do people change the way we want them to be? Never.
    They change when they want and have power to change. He has his own justification for his acts. He might have done things out of habbit.?

    I am not endorsing his behaviour, all I am saying that your emotional dependence on others for happiness is a risky thing.

    He might have said once bad words .How many times you repeated that in your mind? Ask yourself? Of course you may be hurt..but you need to help yourself first. People can say and do many things but our suffering are nothing but a reactions to it (actually our own making).

    Irrespective of any external stimulus you need to learn to be stable within first. Once you do that, or once your hurt is healed, once you forgive and once you start communicating with him without any turbulence inside. Believe me he will respond because he will also be healed by your inner strength.
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Umm... first part of your realization - that this is it, he is not going to change - is accurate. Since you realized this now you change yourself and your attitude going forward. Stay in the marriage and raise your kids, I am not advocating you walk out but make him as much of a priority as he makes you in his life. No extra reaching out, no more explanations, no more going out of your way for him. No more arguments or quarrels either. Live your life as if he is not there starting from today. Do what you want and fulfill your dreams. And take care of your kids for none of this is their fault. Find your happiness in other things like your job, your home and your kids. Rest leave it. He will soon realize difference. If he demands explanations ignore him or walk away if possible and if compelled - ask what is there to explain? We already discussed and you made it clear you don’t want to change. Where applicable tell him clearly you are not his mom. She may have put up with all this you are not going to. Just be very clear and strong on these two points. If he can make decisions so can you. And you have decided you are not going to be pushed around anymore.
     
  5. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for ur help, I totally agree with u I have to change for my sanity, I cant go on like this, I have to change my mindset so it wont bother me whether he is home or not , if he is sitting with his mom and dad talking for hours at end, I need to make peace with it so it doesnt effect me anymore, we dont even have a good physical relationship well that's whole another story ,living like strangers under the same roof , I have to be stronger for myself and my kids , nothing is impossible if I set my mind to it I can do it thanks again for ur insight, taking ur time out to reply
     
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,

    I am confused. What's meant by spending time with him? You guys are not sharing the bed room. In what other way you want him to spend time with you when you live in a joint family setup.

    When he is with parents, send your kids also there. Let him take care. Use that as your me time
    You can live your life in whatever way you like . But please dont accept verbal abuse.

    Next time if he use bad words.. tell him right there. I dont like it. I am not your mom to tolerate it.Its unacceptable. Have some culture..kids are listening. They will copy it like you copy your father. or whatever.. repeat it each time he do it. dont responding to it is like accepting it..dont stop your fight against verbal abuse..

    In rest of the things, keep you as the first priority, go out with kids if he dont come with you. Find ways to make your life pleasant. Ignore him. Dress well. Take care of yours self well. Be happy. People gets attracted to happy people. Allowing him to control your happiness will not take you anywhere. Plan and build your own life in such a way that he gets curious on why you are happy and content in your life. Its not easy, but try.

    You are not among his top priorities. He dont enjoy spending time with you when compared with others. There is no emotional connection. For males, physical connection is important to connect emotionally. Thats why everyone is asking you to move to his room . For him, you are mother of his kid than his soulmate, I guess

    Never beg for attention or love. It should be given unconditionally, otherwise it's not worth it.

    This video has some valid points

     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2019
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Good to know. Go easy on yourself at first. Baby steps as you learn to navigate this.

    Most important thing is be CALM at all times. If you are feeling emotional or life is unfair go for a walk or do something which calms you down. Postpone any discussions with him till you are totally calm. And no matter what he says be calm and don’t react. Don’t become emotional. This is crucial.
    It’s important because in a weird way these men often provoke the spouse then use the spouse’s reaction to justify their bad behavior.

    When you don’t react, and show you don’t care then they start paying attention.
     
  8. Misha33

    Misha33 New IL'ite

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    Thanks, by spending time I meant like to come sit with me and kids and talk or watch TV cuz so far the routine is when he comes home from work after freshening up be goes upstairs to his dad sits with him, comes down have cereal than goes back upstairs or his mom comes down and he sits and talks with her and when I go join they become quiet or not talk much so I leave and go hang out with kids or get busy with house work , and he leaves for gym tennis or whatever , sometimes he would call the kids when he is sitting with his mom to know how their day was and after he comes back he will ask usual questions like did the kids eat dinner, or something of that matter and then he goes to his room or sits and watches TV with his dad, I feel lonely, I want him to spend some quality time with me but that ain't happening, we sleep in diff bedrooms since my daughter was born, initially it was I cant get goodnite sleep when our daughter cries and now it has become the norm, if I ask him to come sleep in the same room he says no I'm alright here, and that my bedroom is too bright and that is enough for me to know he is not interested.
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I think according to him, he spends time with you all. So your request to spend time appear like nagging to him. Why dont join him when he eat breakfast or dinner and talk, make arrangements like that.

    Why are you asking him to join you and kids? How can it work well in the same room. When he say I am alright there in his room, say ok , then i will join you in that room once kids sleep. Do that. Evenif he dont show any interest Go there. What are you waiting for, formal invitation? Take a first step. Try atleast a few days per week, make sure you look pleasant, smell fresh. An increase in physical intimacy slowly lead to more. You will see a change. I believe. I think I said enough. Please dont regret later that you have not taken any initiative in this regard.

    In all other times, even when you respond ( not react) , make sure you can talk in cool composed way with a neutral face. It's very effective than arguing or fighting. Never accept his verbal abusive behavior. You should be very persistent to stand up against it ,else you end up like his mom, that's exactly what he wants.

    Make him just a part of your life, but not your life. Take control of your life into your hands. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2019
  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    The things that stand out for me from your posts: different bedrooms, lack of access to husbands financial information ( and having to pay back the money he loaned you ).
    These are issues that you cannot and should not accept in a marriage . Changing this should be your priority. Meanwhile, hold on tightly to “your” money and restrict his access to your financial information as well.
     

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