Help Please

Op...the question you should ask him is why do people like him get married and have children?
If they want to stay in their own world and their own room,why spoil someone else's life?
Why force another person to live a lonely life in a marriage?

And what is this nonsense about not questioning him or else you are responsible for his cave man behavior?
This is emotional and verbal abuse .

I seriously suggest that you make him go for marriage counselling with you.Tell him this is not a marriage .

He doesn't seem like to be a person who believes in listening to the other person in the house who he doesn't even seem to acknowledge as a life partner.
May be a third person will let him know the truth.

Men like your husband should stay single .
And he is not doing you any favors by providing for the family. That is the least he can do .

What is the use of being religious when you can't be fair and decent to your wife,?

What character does a man have when all it takes is one question to make him verbally abusive and almost physically attack a person.

No op...these are not the signs of a normal person in a normal marriage. In an ideal world,such people should not be married to another normal human.

It is not normal to seperate bedrooms within a year of marriage citing whatever excuse one wants to stay alone .
It is not normal for a person to come home after wife and kids are asleep .
It is not normal to accept a wife to just keep mouth shut or accept the consequences .
None of this is normal even by the low standards set for Indian women .

I hope you are financially independent op....if not work towards it .

 

OP,
You are feeling very lonely in this marriage due to lack of communication.

Staying late everyday is not acceptable. Emotional and verbal abuse is not acceptable. Don't fall for his words. Tell him you cannot accept it and demand an apology for verbal abuse. If he gets angry its his problem. He can only control his behavior you cannot. If he cannot go for an anger management course. He is giving explanation to make you guilty.

One of my friend faced verbal abuse (some bad words) from her husband. She warned many times not to do it. But he keep on doing it. Finally she gave him a warning if he use bad words again she will call him back. Next time, when he started she said I already warned you, but you are doing it again. So she just copied and told him your parents taught you these bad words, if you want to use that, go and call them, not me. ( I know its not good to give it back or go to low standard). But it worked, he never did that. I was so surprised by this story, may be the same medicine worked here.

Ask him, will he be ok if you stay outside that long. Why this double standard. He can have hobby no problem, but he should be responsible. Being reserved is ok, but he should not neglect you as a wife and communicate well.

But its not his responsibility all the time to make you feel happy, that's true. You also need to find some ways to make you happy. Are you working. If not try that. you can also keep your money in your own account .If he is so secretive, you can also protect your money.

The emotional connection between couples goes down when they start sleeping in two rooms and have separate lives. You are not his housemate, but his wife. Every night take kids to sleep early, involve your husband too. Then shift to his room. Do that before its too late. Staying in two rooms is the main marriage killer. You need some touch every day. Even if he resist, just move in to his room. Your kids are old enough to sleep to in another room I guess. You know him better, so find ways to tackle him more effectively. Arguments and fights wont help, it adds more negativity. When he come with an explanation like this, you can tell him, whatever may be the explanation, verbal abuse or emotional abuse cannot be accepted. If he is educated, behave like an educated man with good culture.

 

I agree to yellomango and DDream. This is not normal in a marriage. You don't sleep separate, and many other things listed above. This is like you have roommate and you share expenses (your loan!). May be I have a different kind of marriage, but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that wife has no access to husband bank accounts/ paying back the money borrowed from husband. Where is the love in this marriage? Does he help with kids at all? Around the house? Why does he keep this distance from you? Like DDream suggested, involve him in everything in the house. Start with smaller things. Whatever has done until yesterday, is not what you want for life. So tell him give more time for you and stop treating you like a roommate.

 

We don't know the other side of story, what is going on in your husband mind. There could be many reasons behind it.

It seems apart from the hurt you have to first clean up your thought process. If or when you are stronger (emotionally) these things would look small and your husband would also open up with you.

First take care of yourself, have belief that things would be normal soon. Catch is, If you don't create any heavy thoughts, things will sort out pretty soon.

 

Everybody has a justification for his/her behavior.Your husband must be having too for hus action.

More importantly even if he knows that he needs to change, he might not have enough emotional strength to overcome it.

Like you want love and respect, he could well be expecting the same from you. He could very well be possibly hurt due to some things.

Each of you is asking love and respect from each other. Who will give it first? Can you? But possibly you don't have the strength either.

Take help of spiritual principles (whatever suits you) yoto transformurself, even if your husband remains the same, you would be much better inside and your positivity and love might heal him too. Think about it.!