help please - my wife and I are so different

Read ur post, my replies are in red:

You loved someone dearly. But for whatever reasons, you got married to somebody else who is extremely good and loves you like nobody else does.

Move over the past. Your wife is ur present and future, why u keep thinking of ur GF.

You had lot many memories from your previous relation, and they are running in your mind like a movie. You think, you can get rid of this torture by rebuilding everything from scratch with your spouse and erase off the previous person, so your mind wont stray and be committed to your spouse.

Problem is u keep thinking of those times and ur ex, that's why u cannot accept ur spouse as she is. Commitment is about accepting the person as he/she is rather than thinking why u cant love them.

You would want to build them all in the current relation as well. But this person is so different that you are unable to build those memories with them. Which is very unfortunate for this innocent spouse.

What is different and from whom? Your ex GF? That's the reason u can't love her as u want her to be like ur ex. This is the issue in the relationship, whether u agree or not but u not willing to accept her as she and keep feeling she is different.

Please mistake is made and is done with. Being with someone before marriage is a mistake. Not marrying them is a mistake. Marrying some innocent person is a mistake. Not knowing whether the person is compatible is a mistake. yes I did all mistakes. But no point in going about them. I see only one solution to it. Loving this new person. I love her, I dont know what love means. I feel I love her, she repeats I dont to the extent that now I doubt myself and constantly feel guilty and inferior to everybody. All her friends have loving husbands who dint have any relation before marriage, so they are able to keep them happy. I want to erase the past, please. i dont want my previous relation discussed in my current relation.

U agree that there is no point going in the past. Then why are u remembering ur past and calling it a mistake. Ur marriage is a mistake for u? Then why are u living in this relationship if u don't love ur wife and is she is not compatible? Stop this living in the past and guilt trip! U are going on and on this self pity trip that u made a mistake by loving someone before marriage, married someone you are not compatible with, she is innocent u love her still u dont..I mean this is not going to help in ur situation. Come back to reality! U make ur wife feel unloved coz u have prob why she is the person she is. Ur and ur wife's friends have their own lives, so stop thinking of them and think how to make ur relationship work rather than comparing urself to them.

Every fight we have boils down to one thing- i dont love her, that is why. These days when we fight, mind goes back to Ex, otherwise I am good and content with her. We fought yesterday, we are talking but we know things are not going right.

Accept ur past and get over it, why are u creating problems in ur life. Ur wife feels u dont love her coz u compare her to ur ex. Why don't u talk abt the issues and differences u two have?

Maybe i dont have any problem, but there is no peace that's why this thread. Wish there were doctors with whom you can tell everything and the moment you come out of the clinic, everything is gone and you feel light. this site helps get the same.

No doctor on this earth can help u unless u are willing to help urself. Stop this guilt trip to ur past and take care of ur present. Take care of ur marriage and accept ur wife rather than thinking how ur past was, how ur GF was and what mistakes u made by not marrying her and marrying ur wife. Only u can help urself.

 

OP,

I have not read all the replies here. May be i m missing something. In all honesty I think both you and your wife are pretending to love each other. btw why didnt you marry your girlfriend?. Did you not talk to your wife about your expectations?. Did you not spend some time with her to get to know her before marrying her?

 

dear ArrangedM,

Your story reminds me of the famous urdu lines which go something like this :

Kabhi kisi ko muqammal jahan nahin milta
Kahin zameen to kahin aasmaa nahi milta

Bujha saka hai bhala kaun wakt ke sholey
Yeh aisi aag hai ke jismey dhuan nahin uthta

Basically means not everyone gets everything he/she desires in life. The past will always remain a memory.

So my suggestion is instead of dwelling in the past, take stock of the present and try to enjoy the future.

All the best,
Kylie

 

Irshaad.....:thumbsup
Well everyone is different from another..and if u compare ur past and present, u can never be happy...if u want your wife to act like GF..then u have to behave like boyfriend... Not like husband....:exactly:
Itz so simple....take her out for dinner,disco,movie....spent money on her on her wishes...make her feel that she is so special...for you.:goodidea:
Rab ne bana di jodi....watch this movie...

 

dear Tashsin,

Shukriya.....kisi neh toh sher par tawajjo di.

Kylie

 

Hey ArrangedM,Most of the ladies keep crying.. me too and all my friends too.... You have to understand 1 point here.. ladies feel that when they take the permission from their husbands in every matter,.. their husbands might feel be happy they have a feeling that they are treated as a hero in a movie so thats the main reason she does that... Just bring out a situation in which she has to decide and i am sure she would take the right choice... Please dont feel that she is low.. taking her suggestions are wrong.. when you start analysing other people's married life you will come to know that ladies are better decision makers especially in financial matters... Just mingle with married people you will get to know more... Everybody will go through this phase of life in which the married life comes to a saturation.. we might not like what our spouse is doing.. so take it easy and keep going..