help please - my wife and I are so different

The dreaded Comparison-itis!

 

ArrangedM: I am not sure whether you have told her about your ex-girlfriend completely and why you broke up with her. If you have not, please make her understand of the whole story and why you feel she is a better life partner for you than your ex-gf. First, you have to give her the confidence (through words) that you need her and she is the best match for you not your ex-gf.
I think she has become burdened by your intentional or unintentional comparisons and judgements. She maybe thinking - "Oh he is making fun of me since i dont talk much and not jovial, maybe his ex-gf was very jovial and thats why he loved her, since i am not jovial he does not love me". Do you understand the flow of thought she might be going through.
So to get your wife to be herself and to change her do following:
1.DONT TRY TO CHANGE HER : - everytime you try to change her, she might be feeling an inferiority complex that maybe your ex had all that qualities. Praise her for whatever she does. You know an average girl would get frustrated with your expectations and maybe piissed off with you but instead she is trying her best to please you. Dont you think you are lucky to have a person like her as your wife?
2. TELL HER ONLY THE BAD QUALITIES OF YOUR EX: ha ha, i know this is too much. but this is the only way she can feel you have completely forgotten your ex. And once you convinced her, never talk about her or your past.
3. PRAISE HER A LOT: she is def lacking in confidence because she feels she is not your choice. so, if you want her to be a confident girl you have to make her confident. teach her new skills needed which will make her independent. she may be dependent on you for even small small thing, added to that your pressure to transform her into a person she is not..
4. KEEP THE JOKES FOR OLD AGE : dont make fun of your new wife. when one is sensitive, even the smallest of things can irritate us and depress us. so, you can make fun of her once say- you cross 20 years of wedded lfie. by then, she would be comfortable in herself and in you and will take it in the right sense... i hope you understand what i mean
But i think with your love and encouragement, she wil become more confident and comfortable with herself. good luck

 

Polymorphic, I think you are very right with this. I'm reminded of the time when DH and me were dating. He has an ex-gf who broke up with him, he told me how they were good friends and how he loved her a lot. BUT he also told me of the vague reasons she gave for the break up and how she always showed him all was fine and left him stranding suddenly. It is not like he hates her now, he still talks normally of her when their common friends discuss them. I think they both have moved on.

Also he never compares us, I mean makes no sense right, when we never claimed to be similar. I personally have nothing against her as it was DH's past and he had told me all about it before our wedding.

OP, even if she talks about your ex, you don't. When she puts on such things on TV, you move away and if it hurts you, tell her later that you DO NOT love your ex anymore and want to have a happy life with your wife. You want to move on, you respect her, and need her little help in forgetting her. Take her out, be romantic, feel happy and appreciate when she does stuff for you.

 

And to add, DH even accepts he was possessive of her, which kind of strained their relationship, I mean he doesn't just badmouth her, he tells me what went wrong with that relationship that it could not progress.

 

If she sulks and says no to the dress even though she likes it a lot, dont make her buy it.

Once or twice let her miss buying things that she likes. Then she will learn to ask for things. Dont feel guilty. She said NO. Be a bit strong. Dont baby her too much. You are not a mind reader.

Just take her word at face value....a bitter medicine...might cure.

@restaurant, get two menus, You order for yourself and let he do for herself. Why should you ask her what you should order for her????? She has a mouth that can be used to order as well as eat. She might pick exactly what you pick. No problem. Then she cannot complain that she is getting used by others for her goodness. She ordered it. Let her eat it.

She has to come out of this martyr syndrome.

 

I Totally agree with this..
what is this nonsense of couples upholding their spouses past.. why can't people just accept that their spouse had a GF or BF.. so what .. i really don't think their is anything wrong..If someone cheats after marriage YES then lets us all be judgmental.. but relationships before marriage are a past and people have to learn to move ahead..
just because someone somewhere decided to stay "virtuous" thats that person's choice..why impose this on their spouse and make them suffer in guilt.. JMO..
OP.. I've nothing to say to you.. all I say may just add fuel to your already charged mind..
Sorry
K

 

hi ArrangedM

i think i get your point when you say say you are two different personalities. trust me when i say this, i was brought up in a similar manner....."you should respect your inlaws, DH is god, should never say no to your parents"....everything was so strict.

I never chose a dress for myself until i met my DH. So this is how my DH changed me....

- We used to play a game...a paper full of personal questions of what you likes .... eg; fav flower, fav colour
- both of us took the game and compared our answers
- He made me talk about dresses like sleveless clothes for instance....he used to ask for reasons explicitly and would not budge until i gave him a satisfactory answer but he was never angry with me also. just had limitless patience back then
- try imitating her when she calls you with respect. let her know why you think that uncessary respect is not needed. else make her call you those only when you two are alone
- whenever you want her opinion on things, ask her again and again until she yields to you giving an explanation......how about you ask her which movie and she says 'you wish', you reply back saying 'no your wish'. this time we pick your choice
- or when you go to a restaurant, make her go through each item and find out what she wants without taking a 'your wish' for an answer

from your post i understood that you want her to be more expressive and free. so IMHO you basically need a lot of patience to bring her out of her shell. some ppl were broughtup in this manner so its hard to change them. To make her feel comfortable about his change, first just try to do all these when you both are alone.

Even now after four years of marriage, i blow up the roof of the house the minute i hear my DH say that someone looks good. so no use blaming her. its just that for us ladies, we need to be considered prettiest by our husbands.

 

hi
See my DH says life becomes better when you start accepting people the way they are but i sometimes dont agree to that...we expect from others because we love them...so it is ok for you to have such feelings...but dont try to impose it on her...she has to change herself and thats when it will be real else she will not be happy and the change will be temporary...
let me give you some suggestions...
1. Increase your friend circle....frequently you need to visit your friends, go out and spend time ...let the ladies have their own circle to share their talks....this will make her see others and open her up a bit...
Family get together especially with friends of almost similar age will have a good effect.

2. Ask her to join some kitty party kind of thing (of course with the known circle of ladies only...so that it has a positive effect). She needs to spend some time with the ladies and experience the talks and the jokes you have in these kind of get together...this will slowly groom her and make her open up

3. Let her join some clubs,aerobics, gym or some personality development courses kind of thing where again she will meet many people like her and she will slowly groom herself like them...these kind of classes will boost her self confidence...

Always let her know that you love her in whatever way she is ....but appreciate her when you see some change that you like...

I am sure one day you will feel proud of your wife for the changes in her and she will enjoy her transformation...

All the best
Anu

 

sorry to be rude in advance arrangem - but before the marriage when u went to see ur wife did u not understand ur wife is from that traditional, orthodox typical south indian background (i am not si but i had a si friend her dad had been posted to calcutta her mom did not allow her to talk to boy classmates hair oiled plaits kaajal bindi but the convent school sisters didnt allow uff too much we were normal urban teenagers but her family treated her as if we were big bad westerneized folks when we were not .....anyways found her on facebook after so many years and realized she cant still cant take any decisions in her life becuse her parents always did it for her!! wicked and idiotic parents i say) Anyways, were you brain dead at that time, did u not use ur brain or did u simply not have a brain to analyze and understand what type of life partner u wanted????

Now u r coming here crying and whining whats the use??? You cant change other people you can only change yourself. Some options for you:

1. Forget trying to change her, she will always be trying to be the goody goody little girl because she has been brainwashed all her life by the society around her that the traits she is exhibiting is good girl virtous wife character and the traits u r showing is bad character, so accept her with her idiotic thoughts and suffer in a bad marriage for the rest of ur life - ur punishment for being dumb enough to not understand what type of person ur wife is

2. If u think you cant live in a half dead marriage get some guts and divorce her

3. If you think you cannot live in such an incompatible marriage have a frank conversation with your wife saying u r too passive i need u to change from aunti-behenji type to a cool modern fun types of wife, otherwise this marriage is dead and I will complain to ur parents!!!!

You decide what will work best for u!