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help please - my wife and I are so different

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ArrangedM, Jun 14, 2012.

  1. beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    Then why did you not marry your girlfriend? Your wife is a different person and you have to accept her as she is. Did you take out time before marriage to know her better? Did you not figure out that you are so different then? Its seems to me that youa re complaining for invalid reasons.
     
  2. GMReddy

    GMReddy Silver IL'ite

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    dear op,

    question yourself why you want to change her and what change you want to bring within her...

    select the most important change you want to see in her and educate her about the need to change and what change you are expecting from her...

    slowly you can take on from there...

    best of luck...
     
  3. akanksha999

    akanksha999 Silver IL'ite

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    True Love is unconditional. You cannot have conditions such as I want her to be dashing daring etc .. you have to accept her as she is and love unconditionally.

    Also to be frank, you did not go in for love marriage where you would have known the person you were marrying in and out. You have gone in for arranged marriage - then itself you have decided to accept a person who may have a different personality, choices, behaviour etc as your wife. How can you now want a particular type of person as your wife when you already denied yourself this choice years ago. Do not cry over the past. Make your future as best as possible.
     
  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    I can understand your situation and where you are coming from. One thing I can suggest to you if you want to make her answer a question is to ask open ended questions - not ones where she can answer with a yes or a no, or just a "whatever you like". Be firm and tell her that she should make a decision. Try asking her to chart out a schedule for both of you for a weekend - like where she would like to go, what she would like to do.

    Another question I would like to ask is was she forced to marry you? Her formality could be part of her upbringing. You might find it hard to change that if she is very stuck on it.
     
  5. modernwoman

    modernwoman Senior IL'ite

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    The truth is your wives is the type most men would want to have obedient and does as per the husband says.If I become like that my husband will love it because I am stubborn and we are always arguing and kids get scared.
     
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  6. maroon

    maroon Gold IL'ite

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    I dont know why, but I feel your wife is so cute.. and you are cute for her and you both would make a lovely couple as years pass. She wants to do her best to be an ideal wife and you want to give her all the independance and want her to be more outgoing. Yes, she is very innocent and feels good when she's hand holded. If not for your GF who is acting as a reference point here for you to look up and compare every now and then, I think you would have been more accepting and focusing on ways to move forward rather than dwelling on the so called irritants. I am sure you realized that already from the other posts.

    Rather than demanding her to be daring and outgoing, you should make her feel so comfortable in your company that she would open up more on her own. Directly asking her to be so-and-so will only make her go back to her shell. You must pamper her, cuddle her, treat her like a baby, ask her sweet little questions for which she would certainly answer - all this so she will feel utmost comfort and that will slowly kindle the 'talking devil' in her :) If she says "whatever you say" reply back "no, whatever my lovely wife says":thumbsup And there are always dialogues like "we are both one soul in two bodies, so lets not distant ourselves in anyway". In essence, Iam just trying to say that you can handle this in a more funny and loving way which will eventually make her understand what you want.

    I can tell you from my experience, I also used to be very shy, quiet and an obedient wife. But my DH literally pampered me and I got so close and comfortable with him that now I do all the talking:)
     
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  7. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    I have similar qualities ( I mean that). What I feel is its not that she dont have her own choice but she loves you so much that she likes whatever you like. Trust I myself like that. And of course its not intentional that she gives away her choice, she might actually feel that your choice is better than her.
     
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  8. ArrangedM

    ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks all. i want to thank each of you. I am sorry I did not respond to posts.

    she said yesterday that no one in this world can care for her like me. but caring is different from loving. You care for me more than my parents. But you do not love me. You still love her. You probably know it or dont or not accepting it, but you did not forget her and you feel guilty of that fact. Since you are married to me and you feel responsible to me - you are wanting to love me. You are trying to love me. which should not be the case. your heart wants one thign and you are doing other. I feel sorry for you.

    Initial days of marriage, i did not have any ideas but now after repeatedly gogin through these, i am starting to believe that it could be true. That I did not forget my ex. whatever, is it not good that I am trying to love her. I can show my love only in surprise gifts and bed. I cannot look into her eyes and say i love you. She said its because I had many girl frends and heard it form many of them before that I dont value her gifts or care for i love you words.

    I genuinely feel i should have been like her. with out any past. but sometimes mistakes happen, i knew it would not work but still fell in love, i feel bad all the time for having past history but i cannot change it. She does not taunt me, infact she feels sorry for me. it is very confusing. She wants to watch songs that have 2 actresses and one actor (where hero had one in past and got married to other) and she keeps comparing us three. We are unable to watch any movie, as every movie has scenes where hero proposes to heroine and some playful scenes and dialogues such as first love is the best and no one can ever forget it. these will make her sad and she will be silent and sad. I can hold it for only some time and pick a fight.

    She wanted someone who would love her like crazy. She said she is wrong, she should have loved someone too in college and got married to me, then she would nto expect much and we will not be having these issues. She did not even go out to any movies with friends before marriage, she wanted to do everything with her furture husband. That is how much pure she is and she got a husband like me. I cant give pain to such a girl, please show me the way. she is right may be i got used to these ilove you words and gifts that i dont care much for them....i may not know their value. She wants to feel that love young youthful love, how can i give her that. tips.

    You never look in my eyes and tell me anything special. how can i do that. i feel shy or i dont know what. but i cannot.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2012
  9. ArrangedM

    ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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    this is what am lookign for. i will tell this. anymore please. thank you.
     
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  10. ArrangedM

    ArrangedM Junior IL'ite

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    i want to do just that. please tell how to.
     
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