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Help - Need Ideas To Rekindle The Marital Relationship

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Feb 5, 2020.

  1. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Bravo, don't take me wrong you clearly, a super women to live with your husband inspite of all his flaws. His irresponsible nature should be addressed only by him, you would have given him 10000 times of your time explaining everything, still if he is like that, try to talk him thru someone whom he listens to or may be a friend.
    Still I wanted to know his side, I mean you're very clear in your actions and thoughts, what's that he is finding a problem with or why is he being so unstable and irresponsible what more can a woman do to her family.
    Unlike you he should all vent what's he really bothered about, his family wife kids or home or is anything else is worrying.
    Is he insecure or feeling inferior that you're Managing all deeds at home and work and he can't be like you.. Is that what is bothering him..
     
    shama146 likes this.
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi SGBV,

    After carefully reviewing your write up, it looks like your stress level is due to excessive responsibilities assumed by you without delegating to your husband. It might be due to your lack of confidence in his ability to handle responsibilities or your eye for perfection in everything you do. If it is later, you may have to learn to compromise a little on being a perfectionist.

    I divide your problems into four buckets a) your niece's health issue, b) home renovation, c) children's education and d) your mother toiling in the absence of the maid, in that order.

    Let me take the easier problems first:

    1) By deciding to have any domestic help (not necessarily one that matches the previous one you had), you may relieve the tension of your mother toiling all alone at home. It might also be helpful especially if the renovation is happening at home. You may have to compromise a little on your expectations here.

    2) The children pretty much understand the parents work so hard for their own well-being. I am sure your older son would do better by you spending quality time with him whenever you get an opportunity. Regarding your younger son, he is still young and all you need to do is to do some motivational talk to excel in the areas he is good at.

    3) Regarding home renovation, why don't you sit down with your husband and prepare a detailed plan for renovation assigning a cost to each one of these renovation plans? Provide for cost overruns limiting them to no more than 10%. You insist on the renovator submitting change control to both of you together every week if there is any change suggested by anyone of you. Please explain to your husband this system to ensure that the renovators are not overcharging for the work. Still, if the problem persists, you need to develop a comprehensive financial plan for all of your life activities including your children's education and ask your husband from which bucket we could move the fund requirements to meet the cost overrun.

    4) The biggest of the problem is you superimposing your niece's health into your own life. This is more of a mental projection than reality. Train your subconscious mind to think that by default any symptom is normal and goes away quickly on its own. You have to convince deep inside that disease of this kind is rarest of rare. Develop some visualization techniques that would help you see your children grow and stay healthy.

    Please sit down with your husband and initiate discussions with him. Don't expect him to volunteer his views and instead phrase the questions as though you are looking for ideas from him. Please don't guilt wrap you for his decision to stay away from his parents. It is his choice. That is only going to increase your stress.

    Even if you feel your husband was going to only meet half of your expectations, please delegate some of the responsibilities to him completely and don't involve yourself unless he seeks your help. Divide the responsibilities into helping children, managing finances, domestic matters, helping extended families, social interactions, taking care of your mom, etc.

    In my view, quality of life and the process through which you handle things in day to day life are as important as end results. In family matters, one can't be totally goal-oriented as it involves deep emotions and love. Your ability to make him think that he is responsible will change him over a period of time. Good luck.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Tell your contractors that if they don’t clear any change of plans with you then you won’t pay. Put it in writing. They can send the bill to your husband.
    Why does he have so much extra money on hand to blow? He should be taking advantage of as much pretax investing as is allowed, so the money disappears into savings directly from his paycheck.
     
  4. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    There is a lot going on your plate, you need to resolve one at a time!!

    1) Find a reliable temporary maid which will help your mother from extra work and your guilt towards it. And search for a permanent one with in your circle or ask the previous person itself to refer somebody as her replacement.

    2) It is very hard to see our loved one's going through a tough phase esp if it is about health, but if you get that stress into your own and looking even a tiny disturbance in magnifying glasses, it will be further more complex/stressful than you it is originally. You are already emotionally supporting your brother's family and just do a silent prayers for their well being and keep your mind at peace.

    3) Renovations are tough as we need to depend on outsourcing those to contractors, you need to sit with your husband and discuss the available funds, plan of action, what are all can be done with in the budget and plan in phase wise involving him in the process, transparency can go in long way, your husband might be planning extra things without knowing the actual avl funds...

    4) I know as a mom, kids will be our first priority as we are toiling on daily basis just for their well being, have a heart-to-heart conversation with your elder one timely basis, 9yrs is good time to have a counseling sessions with him (ofcourse privately not infront of grand mom/dad), let him realize his responsibilities towards his studies/competitions or anything with regards to him and explain how hard you and his father (yes, include both, not to worry about reality) are putting to give them a better/best life. I am sure kids at that age realize fast enough and get upto speed (my elder one is 11yrs hence can relate).

    Last but not least, focus on your mental peace as well, include yoga/meditation atleast twice a week to keep you calm and think through the solutions!!

    Good luck
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone... You guys give me a lot of suggestions, and I promise that I should give a best try to resolve whatever the issues here.

    I am sorry for not being able to address each of you individually, but I did go through all of your posts, and really liked them. Please continue to help me sail through with your wisdom.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Viswa sir

    Thanks for responding. It was really helpful to see the issues in a compartmentalized way. I get some clarity.

    There is a temporary helper who comes for cleaning, laundry and other helps. We are yet to find a cook though.
    I am fine with any decent one, because I know it is extremely difficult to secure a maid in our part of the country. But my mom is very picky. She would have problems with the new maids, and I've tried at least 5 maids since 2 months but mom didn't like any. Her reasons are obvious, and in a way it is pretty much clear that keeping such maids is more uncomfortable than handling the home alone. My mom prefers the latter when we end up some not-so-good maids at home.
    Still awaiting for a reasonable one. But she is somewhat happy with this part-timer for now. Something is better than nothing!

    I hope so. I try my best. My mom tries her best to teach them and does their home works. They go to nice tuition classes. And I buy them coaching books to work on. This is all I could do.
    I hope my kids can make it with the help of God.


    Oh no... I've done it all, and many more in the past. Even this time, I made him sit down with me. We developed a plan. Sat together with the contractor for cost estimates. We discussed our budget and how far we could be flexible and what are our priorities and all.
    I gave him a reasonable ceiling amount after consulting with the contractor to get done this work.
    He knows I have some additional savings. And he knows that I am eligible for more bank loans (given the high salary, the banks offer loans easily).
    But, I have other plans for these additional money, than putting all together into one house.
    I wanted to invest on something that could yield money later. I wanted to deposit for Kid's future and our retirement.
    Because I can't continue to suffer between my work and family down the line. I need to come back to home, spend time with my kids and take some rest.
    I don't know whether I could continue to work this hard after my 40s or 50s.
    I don't know whether I would have similar luxury to leave kids under mom's care for work once my mom becomes very old or ill. She is already 70.
    I don't even know whether I get to live many years... life is so unpredictable.
    That's why I don't wanna waste my savings, but to invest or at least keep in FDs for safety.
    This way, I feel comfortable about our future and I get the flexibility to decide what I want down the line.
    If I don't have any savings or any plans then there won't be any luxury to stay at home or take care of my kids or mom in future, because I will have to work and work in order to provide for the family.
    I would be little flexible here if my H starts working and providing. This way, I can depend on him at least later.
    I explained all in detail, and he seemed to agree with me. He even promise, rather hope that he will secure a good job, and be able to spend on luxurious stuff from his pocket. But that day never comes, unfortunately.

    The problem is my back up money in the bank. Till the basket becomes empty, my H will have directly or indirectly or under the table, plans to get done whatever he loves to do.
    He blindly believes in horoscope and astrology that says he will be supper rich after his 40s. Therefore, he blindly awaits for that luxury and that's why he is careless about emptying my bank AC now.

    I miserably failed at putting some sense to his mind, and now a days I seem to lose all my patience. I can't hope or believe in some stars like him.... I live in reality.

    I know this sir, but my stupid mind doesn't cope with me. I really don't know whether my stress level is amount to depression ; hence I need counselling or not. But it really bothers me.
    I simply feel like talking my issues out. Except my sister, who goes through exactly similar stress after our niece's diagnosis, no one seem to understand us.
    But unfortunately, I am the listener and comforter of my sister, than getting any helps from her in this regard. So, all the burden (from brother, sister in law, sister etc..etc..) are on me. It really frustrates me.

    Hmmm... yes. I shouldn't. My H never accuse me for this either. But he really feels bad for this. He repeatedly says that he has left his family to save his marriage. And that itself makes me feel guilt.
    This is one of the reason that I don't stay too strong with him whenever he acts childish. I tend to give in or let go by thinking that he had to let go of bigger things, so let it be.
    But these make me worry later.

    Exactly. But this is where I fail. I think I am not good at this.
    Off late, I am being too critical and complaining about all the messes that he creates in my life.
    I have lost my patience and have no control over my mouth when I had to go through a lot due to these problems.
    I am being too harsh, and brutally honest that could defintely hurt him. Perhaps that's why he avoids discussing anything.

    But I too don't wanna be like this. I want to be his loving and caring wife, who showers with lots of affection. That's how I was before.
    But now a days, all the love and affection stays inside me, and they don't come out well.
    I still love him dearly and he means the world to me. But when he acts irresponsible by making me suffer in so many ways, I don't get the mood to be his lover. Rather, I lose myself and become some nasty woman to guard myself and the family.
    I hate this change, but this is what helps me to sail through.

    Vent over
     
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi SGBV,

    I know you will come out of this successfully and it is just a difficult phase of life for you. Good luck.
     
  8. svpriya

    svpriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I am in a confused state because of past family issues. I got married 8 years ago. My mil created lot of prblems in the 1st year. Then she went to her daughter's home because of her anger on us and she came back after 7 years. In the past she had hurt me and my parents a lot and still we couldn't able to forget all those issues.

    She came back and still didnt apologize to my parents but behaving like nothing happened.
    But now she is not like before.

    But i am not in a mind to trust her again. I don't know whether she had realised her mistakes or not.

    I need some advice.
     
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Tell him this money is in an investment that can’t be touched for so many years. Or that you made a bad investment n lost it. Make him believe that it’s gone n nothing left, that the basket is empty. Say no more. Show some fake proof if he asks.
    Tell the constructor that if it goes beyond the limit, you will pay after 6-12 months or some time period which will scare him.
    Stop paying or drag a payment where it makes your dh or atleast your constructor uncomfortable.
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Maybe he thinks that you will work for many years to come.

    Make serious investments for kids n retirement.

    Tell him you have used your additional savings n bank loans to invest in these n no extra money exists anymore.

    After all your tries, it looks like he may stop only when he believes you don’t have anything extra. Try that.
     

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