Help my brother

They should both first be willing to work on this marriage. From the looks of it, I dont think they are even interested in working on their relationship. Wife does not care about husband and husband does not pay heed to his wife. Above all, both of them dont have the urge to spend some 'alone time' with ech other. Most of the times, its her family or his family who are around and the other half of the time she disappears off to her parent's house. The girl is highly immature and should not have even got married if she did not have an independant mind and always has to listen to her mom!

They should do what everyone in their position should do'communicate' with each other without familial interferences and see where the relationship goes.

 

WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR A DIVORCE LAWYER'S ADDRESS??????


Sorry to hear about your brother and his marital life in jeopardy. Please stay away and let him sort thing out himself. That is all you can do to help him at this stage.

 

She SIL single child in their family. I sincerely am surprised when you can postmortem so logically about when she was born, how she is pampered etc, didn't you guys think about all this when you got married to her.

In their 5 years of marriage, shouldn't the couple come to some understanding as to who their partner is.. So for 3 years your brother just be her as she wanted and then he got fed up? Was he happy buying her vegetables even though he was in middle of his important work during the 3 years? Please. If she was talking for hours a day why didn't he have a conversation with her about it. I understand he is your brother and all, but if you really want to help him, please think as an outsider. A bad marriage not necessarily because of only one spouse always. Even if he gets a separation from his current wife, unless he reforms for good, it is not going to help him in his future relationships.

Now coming to the issue.

(1) Girl was pampered and got a hubby would pampered her more in their initial years.
(2) Responsibilities were not understood clearly by both. Boundaries were not set right. If she was taking month trips and night long chats, as a husband he should have made her understand where the yellow line is which he clearly did not. Being a pampered lady when her husband did not object, she felt it is right to go on as she likes
(3) The guy got fed up eventually and wanted his wife to change where the deadlock is since the wife and her family is well accustomed to the lifestyle and finds it ridiculously hard to change.

After 2007, I have no clarity from your post as to how these 2 tried to mend their marriage. Did he talk to her? Did she try to contact him? Did they spend time alone to talk about it?

Legally,

If he gave the complaint to his local police station, why would he travel 1000kms? was there a complaint from the girl side and if so what was it about? Is he travelling all the way to her hometown to appear in the court?

Why did he in the first place take the legal way when he could have given sometime after she left. Why did he do it the very next day in the heat of moment?

Ok, so she went against the court's decision and what did your brother do about that?

As what? What type of notice was that? from court? How can a wife send notice when there is no complaint or case and whatever there had be closed?

Will come to this question later once we clear the above. BTW, the question is wrong "Why should he pay?" The battle here is between your brother and SIL.. not your family and her. So it would be great if outsiders can stop poking their noses in the wrong places, dont u think?

 

Just re-read the underlined statements.
Clearly, you have a tone that blames your SIL of being fat and unable to conceive. Your brother is perfectly alright!!!! Again you blame her for not taking medicines.

Well, your SIL is a grown up.If she was so keen on coceiving, she would have taken her medicines promptly. To me it looks like she is being pushed to fertility clinics,gym etc much against her wishes.

Your brother and SIL seem to have no love,rapport or understanding. Then why are they being pushed to infertility clinics? Whose decision is it to have a baby now? Doesnt it make more sense to sort out other issues, live as a couple and then try for a baby?

Your SIL is overweight, she has PCOS, she has trouble conceiving,she is advised to excercise.These are sensitive issues and are not things that should be open for discussion. Please respect her privacy!!! She has an ailment and she should get moral support at this time. So, if she wants her parents around, it is fair enough.

And please ask your mother not to escort her to the gym so that she can loose weight and have a baby.:bonk

Let your brother and SIL decide on what they want to do about having a baby. For now the best thing you can do is to leave them alone. Let them sort out their problems themselves.

 

Ok. Got it. Your brother wanted her back, she didn't come back.

...Uh, what? So your brother wanted her back, but then when she called and asked for him to come get her, he refused? This doesn't make sense.

Looks like both your brother and sil have too much big egos, either that or there is some twist to the story you haven't told.

Nandhu, even I was wondering. But after some thought, I question whether it was 'heat of the moment' OR maybe because his all-knowing sis and parents egged him on to do it. I mean, if they're THIS involved in things now and know SO many of their personal details, I assume the OP and her parents would have put themselves right in the middle of things even back then. It seems both the husband and wife's parents are super involved in EVERYTHING. (i.e. too many cooks spoil the soup :bonk).

 

Exactly what I thought! Perhaps, these folks are making sarastic comments on her weight, her PCOS and fertility issues all the time, driving the woman crazy. maybe thats why she does not want to conceive anyway.

Also, i dont understand why dysfunctional families want children when the husband and wife clearly lack understanding. Whats the point of bringing in an innocent kid into existence when the husband and wife cannot take care of each other. A kid is a responsbility.

I cant believe that the SIL is all that bad and the brother n his family is all that good. It takes two to tango!

 

[justify]i have personally seen such girls and parents/relatives and honestly it is very irritating. in most of the cases it was when the girls side was much richer than the boys side.

now your case, the girl is very immature and knows nothing about marriage or commitment. marriage is a big commitment and responsibility for the couple and not a joke. if she finds it so hard to stay away from her parents then she should not have married so early in the first place. saying "yes" to living with in-laws before marriage and now not ready to live with them makes no sense. the situation was placed transparently to her before marriage. now why she is complaining and running away ? if she didn't like it she should have said a "NO" before itself.

if she cannot get along well with in-laws then it is better to live separate and live a peaceful life with husband. and not running away to parents house for small issues. she is not a kid. she is a woman. she should understand that this act of hers is not solving the problem but only increasing the problem.

if they wanted "veettu maappilai" they should have told that before itself. why spoil the life of a man after marriage by keeping their daughter with them and now forcing him to come and stay with them ? this is cheating.

she should understand that marriage is a commitment. i agree that the girls parents are important for her. but the way she is behaving looks like she is living with the husband like "part-time" job. and is showing no responsibility towards her husband or in-laws. i not saying that she should become a servant for them. but atleast she can help her mother-in-law when her parents visit her. it is not easy for an old lady to do all the work by herself while the young just spends giggling and chatting with her parents for 15 to 20 days. they have come to visit their daughter at her "house" and not a "hotel", to just place the food order and dump the dishes.

the girl may be immature. but what about the parents of the girl ? they don't know how to behave when they go as guest to someone's house ? how can they tell their daughter not to do any help or housework as if it is their house ? in their house they may not allow their daughter to work that's their wish. but how can they say the same in someone else's house ?

i am not saying that the girls parents should never visit the in-laws house. this is not possible. they should definitely come often and visit their daughter. usually parents do drop in. but they behave decently also. the decency is very important for any guest in general. if the guest don't behave decently or with manners they are not liked. no matter who it is. i am not saying this for the girls parents alone. it may be anybody whether it is girls side or boys side. guests should behave like guests and not like "Maharaja" or "Maharani". one should behave in such a way that the people (host/hostess) think "next time when you will come ?" and not "oh no ...they are back again" or "thank god they left".

anybody with common sense understands that when we go to someones house as guest, the workload for the host will increase. so we should share the work. nothing wrong in offering a helping hand to the tired host/hostess. sharing work will always bring joy. this way relationship will be also be maintained well. no hostess will like that she is being treated like a "servant" by the guests. this is not a new thing. whenever we go to any relatives or friends house we share work is it not ? then why should the in-laws be the exception ? just because it is the son's or daughter's house one can behave without manners ?

i also agree that she should rush to the hospital in case of emergencies. but 3 months for sugar problem ? if some other serious problem means okay. leave aside in-laws, but what about her husband ? does a husband mean nothing to her ? she has no responsibility as a wife ? lets say 3 months in a year is also okay. but again repeating the same in next 15 days? i mean what is this ? where is she spending time with the husband? should she not think that she has spent enough time with the parents and now she needs to get back to her husband ? it is good to rush during emergencies. but it is also the duty to get back once the situation is under control.

about the interference thing, nobody should interfere between a husband or wife. only when asked to interfere one can enter. nobody has any rights to comment about the husband and wife relationship. no matter who it is. this is same for girls side and boys side.

but from the post i can say that the girls parents are not only interfering but also increasing problems for her. she may be their only daughter. but now she is a "married woman" and not just their baby.they should understand this fact and stop spoon feeding her. the girl should also step out of the shadow of the parents and learn to face the fact.

all i can say is the firstly girl needs serious counseling by a neutral party or counselor. secondly the husband and wife should spend a lot of time alone and have an honest discussion about learning to respect the relationship that they are in. whether they really want to be with each other or not. if they dont want to live together then they can separate. but if they want to live together they they should also frankly discuss about what is tolerable and what is not tolerable. if the girl wants to live with husband alone and not with on-laws then she should say that. they can atleast live separately. she should also understand that her husband doesnt want to live as a "veettu maapillai" and respect that. learn to respect each others feelings and start a new life. thats all. the marriage is going to affect both equally irrespective of whether it works or breaks. let them decide what they want. nobody from boy's side or girl's side can decide that.

next, the husband (not the boys parents or boys relatives or anybody else) as a son-in-law should frankly tell to the girls parents and relatives not to interfere in girls life for silly issues. and to allow the couple to live with some privacy. they should understand that in the tug of war between the parents, it is the husband-wife relationship that is getting affected.

as others have said, i too would say that it is not your job to get them divorced. it is should be decision of the husband and wife i.e. your brother and SIL and not you or your parents or the girls parents. but before that just leave them alone and let them live their life peacefully. see if it works.
divorce should be the last option and not the first hasty choice out of ego.

marriage is not about isolating relationships but about handling the relationships in such a way that nobody gets isolated. a little bit of giving, a little bit of taking and a little bit of ignoring can solve a great deal of problems. i know it is very difficult. but the difficulty should not stop you from trying.
[/justify]

 

OK, please tell me how can a girl know how the in laws are before she actually starts living with them? We commit to things before marriage, such as living with in laws, living with husband till death do us apart. But situation before marrige and after marriage can vastly be different. I may still want to live with my in laws but what they make my life miserable and are not worthy human beings to live with, should I continue living with them because I said 'YES' before? Does not make sense to me!

You are basically saying that no matter how in laws treat you continue living with them because you committed to it!

 

Wow Ananthy, seriously?!!!

In the entire post, the only thing I can sanely ready and reply is

thumbsup

What about the guy and his voiceless behavior for the first 3 years of marriage. I am not disagreeing that the girl is at fault too, but let's be fair, they both messed it up.

 

my take:
if you are genuinely concerned about your bro and his wife instead of Medelling in their marital life and finding faults in you SIL, the best you can do is suggest your bro to start afresh with his wife and live separately from your parents and discuss the situation with his wife that they both need their privacy to give this relationship enough time and space to nurture and grow without any outside interference.That just not include you or your parents or your relatives , it shroud also apply to her parents if they are ready to live separately. Their marriage is in jeopardy and during this unstable phase they need to spend time with each other without any influences for being able to analyze their compatibly factor.So far looks like you all are thinking too much on behalf of your bro which could have some negative impact on him and the same holds true for her. You all need to stay out of their life and let them decide if a divorce lawyer is needed. Don't trouble you brain to decide what is best for them.Everything you mentioned is against your sil, not a single fault you could find of you bro if you were really impartial !! She left home not caring for you bro's "permission" and immediately the guy rushed to police station. wow. and that doesn't seem abnormal to you ? think for moment that you all are preoccupied to accuse you sil with loads of negative attitude and criticism, even if you all have never utter those things in front her, did you all ever say any word of appreciation for her?she must not be a stupid to understand your mentality.why the hell she should live at you parents place willingly?
my 2 cents:
1)at best you can suggest you bro to approach his wife to live separately from both sets of parents and sil/bil etc.Marriage is not a package deal that you bro put a condition that you have to live with my parents and later on if she is not happy with that arrangement , she has to swallow that discomfort and pain for the rest of her life to avoid breach of contract.

2)and please you all stay out of their life and stop being judgmental about you sil.looks like you all did you share of homework to make sure no faults of hers is overlooked.