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Help my brother

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by padmaramani, Jan 14, 2010.

  1. padmaramani

    padmaramani New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    iam bringing in my brothers ruined married life. My SIL was born to her parents after 12 years of marriage--so she was pampered a lot . She has finished her UG and was doing her MCA by distance learning.My brother married her 5 years agoand he is a engineering and MBA graduate. He owns a engineering industry.

    SIL will invite her mom,dad and all relatives atleast once in 15 days. They will come from madurai to chennai with lots of food stuff ,eat and sleep well in a big AC room with the doors open. When she came to her in-laws home after marriage she did some small helps to my mom. When she said that she is helping my mom her mother said not to help and not to do any chores at home.

    Her dad is a sugar patient and this man whenever he wants to see his daughter he will call her over phone and says that "come immediately to ................ hospital as iam admitted here". This girl will go and come after 3 months.

    My SIL is very fat around 90 kgs and when she didnt become pregnant her relatives accused my brother. He went to a clinic and he was perfectly allright and the girl went and checked. She has polycystic problem. She didnt take the medicine properly.

    She also has a mobile phone in which she speaks with her mom or aunt every day for atleast 4 hrs. She will tell each and everything that happened on that day in in-laws family.

    She will listen only to her family and whatever they tell she will obey. Since the gynaecologist asked her to do some exercise my mom went with my SIL to a gymnastic centre and she joined. In the evening she called her parents and told that she has joined in a gym but her mom ordered her to stop immediately.

    One day her family with their relatives came home and forced the girl to come with them---this was because my brother didnt sent her to hometown. It has been 3 weeks since she visited her hometown. When they forced her to come my brother told her, not to leave and if she leaves she should not come back. But she went off with her parents.

    The next day my brother filed a complaint in the police station telling that she has been forced to leave her husband.

    After few weeks my brother received a court notice to appear in the court. Now my brother started going to court once in a month leaving all his work back and travelling around 1000 kms. After 19 months the court ordered both of them to live together and my brother was expecting the girl everday. But she didnt turn up.

    Yesterday my brother has received a notice saying that he has to pay Rs.10000/- pm.
    The question is Why we should pay? My brother now tells that he dont want to live with her and wants a divorce but he is very stubborn that he will not pay even 5 paise to her. She went with her family in may 2007 and never returned back and didnt pay any heed to the court notice also.

    Ladies please help me to clear this problem. If possible direct me to a good divorce lawyer.
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i am not supporting your sil but just wanted to tell what i feel
    in india why is that only girl moves to boys house after marriage?
    why do in laws feel bad when girls parents visit her often?
    why shouldnt a girl go to her parents place often?
    why do men feel bad when tehy are asked to go for check up for infertility issues?
    SIL will invite her mom,dad and all relatives atleast once in 15 days. They will come from madurai to chennai with lots of food stuff ,eat and sleep
    tell me honestly is there a problem in that?why cant girls parents come eat and sleep with daughter every fortnight?if your parents come to your brother house every fortnight or if they stay with your brother its okay?

    Her dad is a sugar patient and this man whenever he wants to see his daughter he will call her over phone and says that "come immediately to ................ hospital as iam admitted here".

    i know she taking 3 months is long time but cant a child rush to parents if they are need?does this happen often i mean 3 montsh everyvisist?she looks a pampered child but i dont agree to you isaying she cant go to parents when they are sick
    in IL itself you find people especially men talking to parents for hours together..if a women is at home and has time to talk to mama i feel thats ok
    did your brother go to police station just becuase she left to parents even though he disagreed?. common once she is back he could have epxlained her that he felt bad becuase she disobeyed him or could have

    i totally undertsnad how it feels when wife spends a lot of time with parents and siblings than dh ..but if required why not?
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2010
    sindmani likes this.
  3. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Padmarani,

    Did anytime your SIL and brother speak to each without interference from parents? If no, they should do that first with clear mind and come to a conclusion as what they wish to do. Any mediation from your side or from her parents will just aggravate the problem. If she is not willing even for a talk your brother can file a divorce and proceed. But marriages are not to be broken easily but needs to be if ther eis no solution.
     
  4. padmaramani

    padmaramani New IL'ite

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    Dear Lavii
    When my brother saw this girl the only condition he posed was if we got married you have to be with my parents and the girl also told yes . The girls parents can come and stay in our home--no problem but the whole day she has to be with her parents and during the breakfast,lunch and dinner time she will just come-down and take food for the relative,go upstairs and serve them. Its her relatives and cant she atleast cut veggies for my mother. If she is helping my mom in cutting the ve. or cleaning the home or folding clothes my mom will not be stressed out. They will come and stay here for 15 to 20 days and my mom should do all the things--once or twice in the aspect of respect she did that and afterwards those people expected the same. I think its not right. And i didnt mention that my brother felt bad for the fertility test.

    You are right. A child should visit the parents whenever they are sick but 3 months is a long duration but i didnt mention she has been forbidden to visit. Hardly she will be in our house just for a week. When she visits her parents and returns home after 3 months she will be accompanied by her parents who will stay atleast for 15 days. These parents will be visited by their relatives. After 2 weeks of their stay they will go to their home town. My SIL willstay for just 1 week and she will start her journey again for 3 months.


    My brother is a businessman and she will call him and ask him to get apples or some other things immediately. How can he do in the middle of an important work? If he says he will get them in the evening, she will start shouting,crying and tells that she wants immediately. If again he tells no she will call her mom and tells this issue. I dont think this is fair.
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think your sil is over involving her parents in her married life, and because of that, is soon to have NO married life left. Sad.

    I agree, 3 months is too long to just go away visiting parents, sick or not. Parents are important, but they are NOT everything. Your sil had a responsibility towards her husband (your brother) to be there for him. Her responsibility towards her husband is more important than that to her parents, but it seems she has her priorities wrong and is putting her parents first. And now it's turned into a disaster. :bonk

    From the sound of her demands she seems immature. Why did your brother marry somebody so immature and dependent on parents? Probably he should have found a WOMAN to marry, not a little girl.

    Anyways, I feel your brother making his wife to live with his parents is also a big reason why she was able to continue acting badly. Basically, she went from one parents house to the next.... never having to grow up or handle things on her own. If your brother lived seperately from his parents, his wife would have had to grow up fast and start handling the responsibilities of a home.... start cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. She would have been too busy with her responsibilities to be playing with parents all the time.

    I think if your brother wants to give this one more shot, he should go meet with his wife and explain that he wants to start fresh.... but with no parental interference. He should explain that her over involving her parents is causing tension between them, so she needs to reduce their involvement in their life. Also, if your brother is serious about making this relationship last and getting his wife to mature, he should consider living SEPERATELY from his/your parents. Doesn't mean they have to live far.... could be in the same building or on the same street.... but I think living singular is the best way to grow a relationship.

    If you think this advice is workable, try suggesting it to your brother. But that's it! Don't offer more commentary than required! Don't make the mistake of commenting on his wife's bad character, or telling him you'll find a better girl for him, or any of that nonsense. Basically this is a problem HE should be handling for himself. But since he's not doing such a good job of it, and has asked for your help, I feel it's ok if you step in a little and give him a few ideas.

    Good luck to you and your brother.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2010
    sindmani likes this.
  6. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    They are probably getting a divorce because your brother and sil never get a moment's peace to talk and think with just the two of them. From your complaint, all I can gather is that you and your parents are interfering in their lives from day 1. You seem to know a lot of detail in your brother's married life. That itself is very unhealthy. Whatever your sil does or doesn't do should be between the two of them and should be of no concern to you or your parents.
    My suggestion to you would be to stay out of their lives and let them deal with it. Enough damage has been done.
     
  7. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i agree to whatever you siad and 3 months is a long long time and making your mom do relatives work also is a burden i see that point
    but i am still not convicned in your brother going to police station just becuase wife left from home to parents house without choice
    your brother called for the worst things to happen
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Just noticed this last line. Hello, that's not your job to go out finding a divorce lawyer to split up your brother and his wife!!!!!!!!

    If he wants to file for divorce.... let HIM file, let HIM find the lawyer, let HIM make the decision when/why/how to go about seperation.

    If I were you, I would only give advice to him on how to keep the marriage going. Any suggestions on how to go about getting a divorce, how he should dump her etc. you should keep to yourself!!! If he is running his own engineering business, don't you think he can handle the divorce himself? Yeah, he can. So don't over involve yourself. Only do good, don't do bad. If you can help him stabalize his marriage, that's good. But don't add fuel to the fire by encouraging him to get divorced. At least not until he has tried EVERYTHING to make the marriage work.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    I completely agree with Manaswini. All this is the result of too much of outside interference. IMO divorce should be the last resort only after all reconciliation methods have been tried out.

    If you really want to help your brother, pls stay out of his marriage and let him and his wife handle their affairs. What you are doing is totally not helping them.
     
  10. padmaramani

    padmaramani New IL'ite

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    thank u radha
    my brother talked with my SIL and she is asking him to come and live with their family. And twice she called my brother and asked him to come down and pick her up in their hometown. But since she went without listening to my brother he told NO. The elders from our family went to set the matters right but the girls dad told that he will send the girl to my brother in jan.2008. But they are sending court notice only.
     

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