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Help Mom to be a better M-i-L

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by chandy939, Sep 28, 2011.

  1. chandy939

    chandy939 Silver IL'ite

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    Most of us compare the difference in behavior ,attitude between mom and m-i-l.

    Have we ever thought how good a m-i-l is our mother?

    I have lived with my in-laws for 2.5 years.Had my own never ending list of issues and have reached a state of comfort,adjustment with them after most of the issues being sorted out.

    My bro got married 3 months after mine.My s-i-l while in india for 3 months after her marriage was in a different city.Then she moved to US to live with bro.While in india she stayed with my parents for few days before and after marriage.My parents went an extra mile to take care of her and she was also sweet enough and friendly.I used to get depressed that my parents takes such good care of her while I was at the peak of my problems with my in-laws.

    My parents then visited US for 2.5 months and that's when the problems started.My s-i-l started asking my dad about his financial status and property etc etc.This really upset my dad since he is a self made man and has trained my bro and me to be independent in life.And then so many other things happ which really upset my parents because my bro's value system had gone for a toss.My s-i-l also ill treated my parents while in US...like never entered the kitchen..expected bfast and lunch to be packed by the time woke up.Wash vessels,clothes etc etc.Spoilt all my bro's plans for taking them out sight seeing etc.Used to come back from office at 10pm and lock herself in the room all the while.My parents felt so restless that they wanted to come back to India asap.

    Ever since then my parents have lost the interest towards my s-i-l and tolerate her for my bro's sake.My parents always take the initiative of talking to her.Whenever they ask for her my bro says she is busy and will call later but that never happens.She is very moody.But when you talk to her she is so friendly and sweet.

    If my bro tells something to my mom...she calls me and tells "see what this girl has told your bro about me...have I ever done something like that...how can she lie..blah blah" but on the other hand I don't blame my bro and sil also entirely.There have been times where my mom gets on my nerves as well.Terribly impatient...always wants her things to be top priority.Quite materialistic about small small things...is not ready to give up on her ways of living...eg:she uses a lot of vessels while cooking and makes a big mess of the kitchen.But then she cleans it all herself. Is hyper sensitive and unwantedly emotional.There have been few incidents where in she spoken some crap which hurt my DH.He is a nice guy and didn't tell me about it.I later gotto know and scolded mom...then she got emotional and sent him an apologetic mail.

    I feel the mistakes have been made from both my mom and s-i-l.I would defn want to improve their relation they way I am at peace with my in laws.I cannot talk to my s-i-l as she might misunderstand me and has superiority complexes over me.I have already told mom let go of many things and reduce expectations from her as they don't live with you guys and are too busy with their work-life balance.

    Please advice.

  2. Meera101

    Meera101 New IL'ite

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    It is sweet of you to help ur mom and your SIL make a better relationship....but I feel that it is really b/w them ....only thing you could do is..tell mom to take things lightly...whenever she brings up a topic..tell her..oh, let it go ma...she is not that bad...on the other hand when u talk to ur SIL..maybe mention...that hey you are so busy...but do u find time to chat with ma? just to make her think that she should be doing that!!!
    but otherwise...u cant really do anything much...I would for most oart stay out of it myself...
  3. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with Meera. You cannot change somebody's personality. If your mother is hypersensitive and whatever, she is going to be like that and whatever flaws your SIL has, she is also going to be like that. So, it will be best they keep their contact limited at this point of time. Your brother has been married quite recently, so with time as the brother and SIL will mature, they will hopefully begin to realise their mistakes and understand the relationship. Forcing too much to do something is only going to spoil things.

    I have seen this new trend in urban India that girls are given the best of education, they are working and earning as much as their male counterparts. But at the same time, they also get pampered by their parents. Many girls don't help their mothers at all with household work. The mothers do everything for the DDs, including cooking, packing lunch. ( I am not saying that it should be any different for boys and girls.) Probably your SIL expects your mother to treat her like her DD.

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