Help, meeting prospective groom. need advise based on my situation

Alekya,
You haven't even met him yet.So take it slow. You don't have to say about it in your first meeting. Keep it casual and generic topics. See how you guys click. If you like him and feel the same from him then you can tell him about all the issues. Good Luck gal!

 

Hello Alekya,

I read your earlier thread as well, and I understand that your Mom & Dad had had a tough time getting along even from your child hood days, and your Dad had thought of remarriage even b4 you & ur Mom had reached Canada. But, he is STILL married to your Mom technically.

So, at this stage, it is better not to mention to your finace now, as your parents are NOT divorced. There could be means & ways where-in they may patch up, or may just continue the way they are or anything may happen. Point is they ARE STILL MARRIED.

Problems & Issues are NOT the topics to be discussed in your first meet. So, Relax a bit, take a deep breath and try NOT to think of these, when you meet the prospective groom. Remember, the groom is trying to get to know YOU & YOU ONLY now. So, try and connect to him and see if you like him.

PS : By the way, I hope you are pursuing your degree in parallel, as it is a good idea to concentrate on getting that completed. Sorry for replying in the wrong thread, but I wanted to grab your attention.

 

Hi Alekya,
relax and take it easy. you are only meeting him for the first time. focus on getting to know each other first. take things one step at a time. talk to him and meet him a few times and if you feel like things are going good and you are both interested enough in each other be serious, find the right time and let him know...i'm sure a sensible, road minded sincere guy will not make this a dealbreaker. that way you are not revealing a family secret to a person who might not be a part of your life anyway for altogether different reasons! good luck to you...

 

After the first few meetings when things are getting serious between you for two reasons.
1. With a family background like yours it important that you find a spouse who is understanding and supportive of you.
2. The choice should be his as well. You cannot take that away from him by keeping him in the dark until after marriage.

 

Hi Alekya,
Your parents need to step up and set the record straight themselves, i cannot believe they can just go ahead looking for alliances for you and leave the burden of explaining or not explaining the family dynamics to the new family all on you.if it is an arranged marriage they need to take the responsibility of making things clear on themselves, at least that's what will be expected of them. If it is the other way around (grooms parents being seperated) would your parents be okay not being informed at the time of initiation? Gently remind your parents it would be in thebest interest of everybody if they take a stand and reveal about their relationship themselves. No use hiding and pretending to relatives, that will only add unwanted pressure on you kids. They do not have to give explanations but do not need to control every situation trying to protect this secret from spilling either.I just wanted to convey my opinion and do not mean to offend your feelings in any way.

Big step in your life, my best wishes and good luck for it. I hope you find the man of your dreams soon.

 

Maple leaf is right. Its your parent's responsibility to inform the other party about this. Your duty is only towards yourself and this guy. After your first-second meeting, you will know if you liked him or not. If you did, then your parents can call up his parents and tell them about it themselves. No need to include the guy and you in it. His parents will decide if they should go ahead with the match or not.

 

Alekya I wish there were easy questions which can tell us if someone is nice and sensible or not ...unfortunately there isnt.
Also these are very subjective. I might find someone nice...you might not agree with me. And thats completely normal.What really matters is how compatible you both are.
If I were you here is how I would go about it...ask him questions for which there are no easy answers. See how close or radically different his points of view are compared to yours. That will give you some idea about ur core values. Its good if they match at least to a large extent.If they dont seem to match ...do u think you can meet him half way or are his views so diametrically opposed from yours that there is no way you can do it.

Next for a few even if he is spot on with ur thought process....try to take an opposite stance and see how he reacts to you. Watch how he defends his point of view. Is he rigid almost fanatical about it? Is he willing to hear you out?Is he open to compromise?
Thats the most important quality you need in a spouse.

Once he knows about ur family it is possible he will use it against u when you are most vulnerable. This is a hard trait to catch. One possible give away is the way he handles his subordinates if he is in a position of power or his peers. Ask him questions about the culture at his work place. They can reveal a lot.

Next for the broad minded part.... this is tricky..one might talk very eloquently about political issues like
Gay marriage/abortion/ but fail miserably when it comes to personal life.
They are very different things.
In your case I think the real test is the way he handles when you reveal him about ur family.
Best wishes!