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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by viv97, Mar 2, 2012.

  1. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I have read so may posts about problems faced in marraige/relationships in this forum. Probably that only prompted me to post my problem too and I sincerely hope someone can guide me right.

    Here is my story. I come from orthodx family and eldest child of my parents. I got married an year ago. My hubby's place is fine. I dont have any issues with my FIL, MIL or SIL. They are all very very nice to me and treat me as their own daughter. Sometimes I feel lucky having been married to such a good family which is conservative n orthodox as my own family and have lot of values and affection for daughter in law. My husband is nice too. He is a reserved but straight forward.So you guys must be wondering what could go wrong?

    Yes..its my relationship with my hubby. Post marraige we came here to US as my hubby was doing his phd here and was about to wind up in few months time. It was a very hard for us then as we literally had to live on his meagre stipend given to students. As soon as I landed in US my hubby's mood took a full 360 degree turn as he changed from a normal and smiling person to rude and insensitive person. This lasted for few days and those days I had no love life and was scared of him all the time. After he was back to his normal self and that was much easier for me too. Then I asked him why he was doing so he said he was feeling home sick and thats why he acted so strange and even apologised to me. He then went on to complete his thesis and got his doctorate few months and all good things like getting a well paid job, moving to sunnyvale and all that happened to us. We dont have any financial worries any more.

    Here is my actual prob. I have been married for more than a year now but I'm still a virgin. It never happened during our first night. After coming to US I already briefed u guys about abt what happened. But we gradually stared with kissing and hugging and cuddling. Few months after marraige I found out that my hubby was into ****. First two times when he was caught he denied it..but the third time he accepted it and apologized to me and promised that never ever he would watch **** again. I believed him. Actually I wanted to tell u guys this. I am okay if he watched **** as any bachelor woiuld do it. I can forgive him for that. But what frightens me is he was watching gay pron. So I'm not sure what I should conclude. whether he is gay or not am not sure. I read in internet a lot about gays and their behaviour. He does not act like any of them but he never had sex with me. when I asked he said he said he does not watch gay ****, only regular ****. But When I coonfront that fact saying you have gay **** videos stored everywhere he says all kinds of **** videos are catered by the same site and only after downloading one will know what kind of **** it is. Althought I trust him now there is always this worry at the back of my mind. When asked why he never had sex with me he stated that he is in his last leg of this phd and not in any state of mind to have sex. I actaully had to agree with him coz he used to work long hours and was very busy in his lab too. He used to come only late. And another reason he gave me was financial insecurity. We both dont have jobs and living on stipend. So getting pregnant is an insane thing to do as well. I 100% accept what he say too.

    Now we are settled and he got his first month salary and we dont see any issues. He did not have sex yet but started imitating which I think u guys call it as foreplay.

    What concerns me is that I have read in so many articles/blogs that men cannot go on without sex for a long time (in my case almost an year). Even if they are not planning for kids they would use condoms to satisfy the desire. Is my husband's behavious unusual?

    But just wanted to tell u guys that he is a person with lot of will power and self control.

    I just need to know if whatever has happened is fine and I dont have anything to worry about?

    Just let me know.
    Thanks in advance. Sorry for the long post. But I wanted to give u guys complete pic so that U guys can analyse the situation pretty well and reply back.
     
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  2. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    @viv97,

    i dont know if i'll be able to give good advice but here goes......

    FIRSTLY,
    any **** site from where you download you get a preview of what it is. I havent come across one that doesnt.
    So safe to say some interest is there.
    But dont go all alarms ringing ,
    it can be one of two or three cases
    1. Ur DH is gay.
    2. Ur DH is bisexual (straight & gay)
    3. Ur DH is bi-inquisitive (curious about the both activity).

    So lets leave it at that.

    SECONDLY,
    ur husband must have superhuman will power if he's been able to resist sex if he's really interested.

    THIRDLY,
    there have been instances of people in history who've had proper families and then came out of the 'closet'.
    Just out of curiosity, has this cuddling, kissing & foreplay started after you questioned him about this or has this been a gradual process.
    Hoping its not a smokescreen.

    LASTLY,

    if indeed he's just bi-inquisitive then its not that big a problem and can be overcome.

    If he's bisexual then its up to you, are you ok with that.

    If he's gay then you need think seriously about your life.

    Take care
    chow
     
    pinkydarling and shivachoubey like this.
  3. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Viv....It looks like there is a problem with your husband and only doctor can prove it. But if you ask your husband to come to doctor he may not agree to come right away and he may convince you there is no problem in him.It is totally understandable that PHD means he has to put in lot of effort to complete and he is very busy but in 365 days how can he not find a single day to have sexual relationship with you. He is just trying to postpone and convince you. Your right about men cannot go on without sex for a long time in your case it should have been a regular thing as you are recently married or atleast once in 6months if he is very busy. OK since he has to complete his last part of PHD let him finish that and you plan for a holiday trip or honeymoon or even at home notice if he is interested in having sex . If not there is definitely a problem or you can say him since you are well settled now just act as if you are interested in having kids and notice his behavior. Based on all these circumstances you guys consult a doctor or councellor. Good luck. Hope your issue gets resolved soon.
     
  4. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP:
    I am not sure what Sanvi thinks a doctor is going to examine that will tell him/her whether your husband is gay or not. Anatomically they are the same as heterosexual guys. If he is gay, he is gay. He is not going to change. If he is bi-sexual then he may have other partners besides yourself in future. He is giving you a line that he is downloading unknowingly....he knows. I would also wonder about all those late nights.

    Dealing with homosexuality especially from conservative families in any culture is a really hard thing for the gay person to deal with. It is this conflict and denial that spins out all sorts of problems for the family and for spouses (meaning you) if they marry. He may have been hopeful when he married you that things would become "normal" for him but he may have found out differently after he began intimacy with a woman. If you can rise above the initial chaos in this situation, the really humane thing for you to do is help him out. If you talk to some gay support groups, you can get some peace out of this and hopefully figure out some amicable solution. I don't sense that he is a bad guy.....although probably forced into a situation that he now cannot handle.
     
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  5. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Tashidelek what I mean to say is viv did not 100% specify her husband is gay she gave some instances and she thinks that might be reason he is normal with her.Even if she asks her hubby he is not ready to accept it so thats what I meant some third person like a doctor can only conclude once she plans on having kids in future.
     
  6. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Thanks for the response. This kissing, hugging etc started off slowly but gradually after a month or so. Its not a smoke screen. I sincerely believe he is not faking here.
     
  7. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response. Well he said he is ready to go to a doc and prove himself that he has absolutely no prob. Only I'm holding back here coz am not sure if I'm over reacting here or anything and pretty sure I'm hurting him every time I bring up this topic. I love him very much and do not want to hurt him. But I just dont know how I can be at peace when there are so many Ques unanswered?? It keeps cropping up.
     
  8. wannabmommy

    wannabmommy Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I've been in your situation & all I can say is nip the problem at bud. Whatever the reason is, if you are not happy or have the slightest doubt COMMUNICATE!!! Make him sit down & tell him your displeasures/doubts/concerns etc clearly. It might arise some argument....but ultimately all you want is get things cleared. By doing that you also won't feel the ambiguity as to if you are overreacting or not...hope I make sense. This was just my opinion. Good Luck!!!
     
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  9. viv97

    viv97 New IL'ite

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    Just wanted to add few things here which I missed initially. I did talk about having kids. He is interested in it and offlate (after he got his job) there has been increased cuddling, touching etc. But he says u dont behave right i.e u dont do anything when I come to u and also he says i'm very shy person (which is quite true) thats why he is doing this very slowly and will gradually do it. Speaking in plain it might happen one of these days or atleast that is the hope he has given me.

    All i'm asking u people is, is it normal for a person to be like this. Also please tell me how to react during intimate times. I do enjoy it and hug and kiss him back. But beyond that i dunno what to do. Please guide me. Thanks all once again
     
  10. wannabmommy

    wannabmommy Silver IL'ite

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    This has happened to me & now we are trying for a baby...hope it gives you some HOPE!!!
     

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