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Help Me Understand My Maid

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by nayidulhan, Sep 12, 2024.

  1. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,
    I am writing to address something that relates to my gruhsakhee.... my maid. I am not sure where to post this so I am posting here- in Friends & Neighbors section.

    My maid is a literate (up to middle school), well dressed (her outfits are always neat and clean), well mannered (soft spoken and addresses others as 'aap' instead of 'tu' or 'tum') and very hygiene abiding and neatness abiding lady in her mid to late thirties. Her husband is a green grocer and has a shop of his own.

    She is a good maid anyone can have except for the fact that -
    1. she lies a lot. she lies about her family/ where she lives/ other households she is working at/ reasons for taking days off, etc. To address this, I have been having minimum - almost monosyllable - conversations with her since I first discovered this fact a couple of years after she started working for me.

    2. I have always heard from random neighbors about my society having 2-3 maids who are the major influencers here. They are the unofficial leaders of all the maids working here. They decide which households should be blacklisted (no maid will work there even when the paychecks are high or workload is reduced or whatever - for just plain bullying). They spread rumors about the Madams - that the Madam has OCD and has specific and weird demands about the way work is done in their houses or that certain Madams do not raise salaries even when asked for but pay in kind with their or their kids stuff, etc etc. Recently, I discovered that my maid is one such influencer who dissuaded another maid from starting work at my next door neighbor's.

    3. My maid does not work at my place on Sundays and public holidays. Even when she works in certain houses on some/all Sundays or some/ all holidays. I said OK for this arrangement because I thought she is a thin frame person so she may need breaks at work. Besides the official 5 to 6 days off, she takes at least 2 more days off because - Ganesh visarjan / child no 1 or 2 or 3 not well/ guests have come over/ aadhar card updation for some family member/ heavy rains in her area/ local leader has insisted on some social work activity/ house repairs/ festival or some wedding prep/ dispute with her neighbor who may cause harm to her orchard when she's away/ and many such reasons.

    4. She keeps asking for loans. she asked for the first time in 2018 or so. For a paltry sum of 3 thousand rupees. Since then she has been asking for 5k or 3K or 6K etc and asks me to deduct some amount from her salary towards repayment. She takes forever to repay because she asks me to pay full salary for some months as she's out of work elsewhere. She cleared her last loan ( 6K taken in 2022 in July 2024). Obviously, I sometimes lose track of her loans and repayments.

    Now, I have observed that in the last couple of years, whenever, I ask her to come over (for extra time and extra fees) for only dusting the fans and cleaning the windows, she always gives excuses- either one of the above excuses or that she has gained temporary employment somewhere that keeps her totally busy. I can make out that she's lying because she's always in the colony having long animated chats with someone (in the common areas like near the swimming pool or outside the gym). She has now asked for 10K. She does not ask any other neighbor for any loans. She only asks me. I don't understand what exactly this is.

    Am I overthinking about her or is there some way she's gaslighting me?
     
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  2. Divyasaravanan

    Divyasaravanan Silver IL'ite

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    She very well know who can be taken advantage of. Thats why she is asking you and you have been lenient to her in the past as well. Give the amount if its not a big thing for you and be stubborn and tell her that you are definetly going to discount it from her monthly pay no matter what
     
  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Maids are scarce commodity in metros. They are expensive. They may or nsu not tell lies. They would come often late for work. They may take more leave. They try to save time by skipping some part of donestic work. The excuses would vary for skipping ghe work . But all would demand loan to be adjusted in future monthly salaries. They may take small loans and promptly return few times. After few months, one day they may disappear with large amount outstanding. The more you question and needle them or micro manage, they may not stick to you. And from time to time if you do not give them food and other articles you discard but useful to them, they would seek alternate place or home. But those who can afford to treat them as family member and take care of them when they are sad or sick, their domestic help will continue with their next generation. You got to strike a balance between your generosity and their expectations.
    In your case I must suggest you to ignore about your feeling that she is lying and keep her happy by granting loan in full or in instalments . And never lend at end of the month. Middle of the month is ideal.
     
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  4. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your response, @Divyasaravanan . I agree with you. I am too lenient with her. I think my fear of losing her services and the consequent inconvenience of looking out for her replacement is the underlying reason for my fear. I think I will give her the amount and be very strict with her about the repayment. I will tell her that right at the onset of the loan.
     
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  5. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot, @Thyagarajan sir for your reply. It gives me a good clarity of my situation.

    I pass on my daughter’s clothes especially the ethnic ones to my maid for her daughters. The clothes are always new- used only once or twice because my daughter does not a chance to repeat her ethnic clothes all that often. The tshirts and dresses are also new and good to wear. My maid is aware about this. Very often when I hand over the clothes to her, her daughters wear them, click pictures and post them as WA status. I feel acknowledged for my deed.

    About food, my maid has clearly told me that she does not want any vegetables/ fruits as her husband is a green grocer. She does take sweetmeats but nobody in her house is particularly fond of sweets. So, on several occasions, she has had her breakfast or lunch or evening tea at my place. But that's all about food.

    She seems the most keen about hard cash.
     
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  6. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Sir, do you have any pointers on how I could avoid her from taking me for a ride?

    Sir, do you think I should suggest that she takes loan from the other households that she works for? Or is there any hidden privilege for me in the fact that I am always her chosen one for financial help? :tired::blush:
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Lies are very subjective matter. I lied to my office when I had to take an extended vacation, and the lie was universal. Yes, I lied, like many of you about a sickness.
    I lied to my mom when I was late, and said there was traffic.
    I lied to my H about a saving, because I wanted to surprise him with that later on his birthday.
    Likewise, everyone lies. No one is Arichandra here. But, you must see the weight and the impact of these lies.

    I am also an influencer. I influence my family, my neighbours, and sometimes people in this forum with my ideologies. We all do that somewhere in our lives.
    It is very common among like minded people. Like, we say "don't go to this hospital", Don't take this flight", Don't vote for this politician, "Don't watch this movie".
    The like minded people get carried away with our influence. Can't help.


    This is judgemental. I wouldn't base someone's energy level based on their body frame unless they are unhealthy or has medical issues.

    It is up to her. Clearly define your work requirement and discuss with your maid whether she agrees to this for the mentioned payment.
    If both party agrees, that's fine.
    I have a work commitment with my office for 5 days during the work week from 8.30 am to 4.30 pm. The reminder of my days/time are for me to decide what should I do. I might chose to have fun, sleep, do chores, or volunteer for a charity or even run a business. If my office requires me on my off days, they should inform in advance, and give me a choice to chose whether to say yes or no. More importantly with an offer (either additional payment or leave for the extra time covered). This should apply to the maid as well.

    She asked because she thinks you are easy to ask, easy to convince and easy to receive.
    Not sure whether she has asked loan from others too. Perhaps she is lying about not asking from others.
    But it is irrelevant here.
    It is like asking loan from a bank or even asking salary advance from office. You have the right to say yes or no. You should keep track of the repayment, and ask/deduct from her salary if she hasn't paid on time.

    Maids are hard to hire, clean and hygienic maids are a rare commodity. You have got a decent one. Her outside business should not bother you unless they are harmful to your home/family.
    You have a choice to give her salary advance/loan or not.
    I think, there is nothing to worry here.
     
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  8. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks @SGBV for your well articulated reply. :)

    I agree with you about lies. Everyone tells lies some time. What bothers me about my maid’s lies though is the fact that if someday I have to visit her then I don’t even know where she stays. But then, I do understand that anyone (why only my maid) can lie to me about their address or whereabouts. So I must really not worry about her lies. She has submitted her Aadhar card and an employment verification form to the society office anyway.

    You are right about all of us influencing people around us. We may influence anyone in general and our own kids and our family members in particular. However, bullying or avenging some petty or perceived insult is never our intention, right? What bothers me is that these maid influencers actually bully the residents here. It does sound bizarre but it is true. Their behavior at times is totally irrational and inane. I think such attitude is rude and unnecessary. It undermines collaboration.
    e.g. a neighbor had laid off her maid during the pandemic. Rest of us had paid them full salaries or some had at least paid bench. This lady could not convince any maid around to work for her after the pandemic. She finally got a full time live in maid from her village.

    SGBV, I always thought that the rules (written down or otherwise) that apply to corporate environment do not necessarily apply to the unskilled labor force. Mainly so because of the nature of the work and also because of the reasoning and logic abilities (cognition??) of the people involved. I think I have not been totally correct about this then? Or may be it's situation-specific? Thanks for making me rethink about this.

    A clean and hygienic maid is a real asset. I must cherish her and be grateful for her presence in my house. Like they say- Behind every successful man there’s a woman and behind every successful woman there’s a maid. :D
     
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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    @nayidulhan, maid politics are like this everywhere. In future if you get a new maid I would suggest that you keep a distance and be strict in your dealings regarding lending money and taking time off. Often we think we should be nice but they see it as being weak and think they can take advantage. I have seen this many times. They will grumble about the strict households behind the owners backs but they will also work harder for them versus a house owner who is soft. I can understand the mentality. They feel resentful as they see their employers having so much compared to them but some of the household staff also develop a sense of entitlement and this is not good for the relationship in the long run.
     
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  10. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Oh yes, @MalStrom , this politics is universal. I have learned my lesson and I will be extra cautious the next time.

    You are right. The sense of envy is evident from the comparisons and cribbing that crops up in conversations. And the sense of entitlement is evident through frivolous demands and apathetic behavior.

    For now, I think I would be good if I can strike a good balance between gratitude and prudence.

    Thanks, @MalStrom for helping me understand my situation better. It means a lot to me. :)
     
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