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Help me to resolve this !!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SouthGirl, Feb 8, 2010.

  1. SouthGirl

    SouthGirl New IL'ite

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    Hello Friends,
    This is typical confused married gal from South side of Tamil Nadu.I am married two years since now.My DH is quite affectionate,caring and understandable.Problem arises with the money.

    Both of us working for a reputed software company.I am earning twice than him.But he never ask anything regarding my salary as I will take active part in spending for all the house hold expenditure.

    Nor i too ask him on his salary part.Now I am 3 months pregnant and in my mothers place right now.Suddenly he is raising question on my salary part and asking whether do i save it or not.He also argues that its for our baby only.But i cud not bare this question right now as already I am feeling in secured.

    Is it not part of a dad to take care of his kid?How can he depend on my earnings ?Is all husbands be so particular on the Wife's salary?

    My problem might seems to be silly,but i dont know from whom I can get advice on this.

    Please gals advice me on this as its eating my brains for past 2 days.

    Luv,
    Southgirl
     
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  2. rmalathi

    rmalathi Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Southgirl,

    First of all Congrats!!

    There's nothing that can't be discussed and sorted out girl. :2thumbsup:
    Don't worry and stress yourself too much.

    The two of you need to sit down, talk together and plan your kid's arrival and also how much you want to save; how you want to do it etc., This will avoid all the unpleasant arguments/differences which you should avoid; especially now.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Vandanaa

    Vandanaa New IL'ite

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    Dear South Girl,
    Congratulations.
    2 years of marriage and you have not discussed on your earnings is quite surprising.I would suggest you to Sit with a paper putting down the salary details of both and ur monthly expenses.And u need to plan on who will be taking care of your kid after ur delivery and additional expenses on it.

    I and my husband also work for a software company and based on our income and expense we plan for our investments also..

    So not a big deal he asked you this.In fact when my husband first asked me this i was annoyed. But i realized it is for our family why we need to do this exercise.But for this to yield good results both of them should be open enough to tell aout their income and their expense for home and to your inlaws, relatives if any.Also u need to know each of ur bank account details and have access to statements ..this is just to build the mutual trust.
    All the best..Way to go..
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2010
  4. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I think he is more insecured about finances. Since you are staying with your parents, he might be worrying about your savings.

    It was not the case before as you guys lived together and know your expenses somehow. But now, you are living in two different places and he might be worrying about your parents influence on your savings. This is just my opinion:)

    I had similar problem too... My DH and his parents worried too much about my salary. They wanted to save my money under their name in a protected manner, so that I can't give any financial assistance to my parents/siblings.

    Initially I didn't know the real intention behind their actions. I felt bad to the extreme where I thought he is going to run away with my money:((((

    But when I checked, I found he has invested everything under "our" name, and every penny of my salary is saved in his account. He even accused me and felt hurt for my doubts.

    Their only worry was my un married sister. They had fears that I will support my sister's wedding hence they blocked me accessing my own salary.

    Frankly my parents have needful savings for my sister and she is earning enough to meet the additional needs. Moreover, I have one un married elder brother who is very responsible towards my sister. Only problem is our dad is no more.

    My cunning FIL keeps on telling my mom that she shouldn't expect any cents from me as I am married. At the same time he asks my brother about his savings and possible wedding expenses...

    On the other hand my DH asks me frequently about my sister's wedding matters, and how my mom gonna make it- I know e is just reflecting his father's previous days talks.

    Initially I thought it is all coincidence... But now I am 100% sure, these people are really annoyed about this.

    So, I have frankly told my FIL that, I have decided to give $ 10,000 to my sister NOW (just less than my one months salary) and will give some gifts when needed, as it is my responsibility to give her a good life in the absence of my dad and its our (me and DH) mutual decision.

    He was angry, and told my DH all the nasty things... My DH was silent, but I told him.. it is our business and our decision.

    My DH is somehow understanding, and corporating now...
     
  5. SouthGirl

    SouthGirl New IL'ite

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    Thanks Tugga.Annoying part is I have lost my dad only two weeks before.I am very close to my dad and feeling hell lot of insecured on his sudden demise.I got totally pissed off when my DH raised this question at this time.My parent's side are affluent who have not allowed me to spend a single paise even after I started earning.
    Inspite knowing all these,my DH attitude towards money is annoying.Wat keep strikes me is if a guy does not have confidence on himself to bring his own child,y shud he get married?
     
  6. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    Dear SouthGirl
    Very sorry to hear about your father. It was very insensitive on your husband's part to bring up this topic at such a moment. Instead of being supportive, he is only adding to your pains.

    But like Vandana I am surprised that you guys did not discuss your finances for 2 years.It is a pretty long time. Now may not be the right time but you should sit down with him and discuss the future plans. There is nothing wrong in sharing the salary details with your spouse. You should definitely know his salary details,investment plans, accounts etc as well

    And finally congrats on your pregnancy! :thumbsupPlease stay strong and dont keep worrying too much about these things. Concentrate on your baby.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    SG Dear

    Just brush off your husbands act as ignorant foolish act and dont take it too much to heart. Sometimes men really dont know when to talk or what to say....so just leave it there...all this while he never questioned you right? so jsut let it go this time...

    Sorry to hear about your fathers demise. My heartfelt prayers are with your family. Try to be strong and also support your mom as now you have a double duty. To support your mom and also take care of your kid. So you have to first take care of yourself amidst of all this. Dont spoil your brain over this nonsense...there would be lot of time in future to tackle and handle such issues..Now is not the time to worry on this dear.

    If you are still feeling the irk , next time when your husband calls you , even without he raising the point, before you hang up just say that ok dont worry am not spending any money here and am saving all for our kid. He will get the point. But dont get it too much into your head . Let it go...
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2010

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