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Help me to get my real husband out of him

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by dimple7, Apr 28, 2015.

  1. dimple7

    dimple7 Gold IL'ite

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    Friend....i am married 2.5months back . I have been going through some issues which i need help to deal with.
    My DH shows little initiative to get intimate.
    Will elaborate the problem from initial day....to help you all to understand the problem.

    On 1st night my husband didnot care to talk/gossip/touch me, even when i was wearing an exposing nightwear and we were given a good hotel room to put up that night...When i urged him to start some friendly talk , he replied that he never had a talk with any girl so he doesnot know how to behave and what to talk. He acted to be too innocent. No doubt later on after one month i came to know that he had erection seeing me in that sexy nighty but he disguised his sex-feeling that night.
    Like this he keeps on behaving at bed pretending he is a good man/ mamma's boy and doesnot know anything about sex.
    Sometimes I have noticed his pennis gets erect when i wear any sexy clothes but he pretends he doesnot feel anything. God knows how he can control himself.

    I feel bad when i realise his feeling when he meets any other sexy lady face to face. I tell you friends i have gone through worst experience which a wife cannot bear. It reflects that he has all the drive but he hides from me. But am trying to adjust thinking he is good and fare to me.

    While at home he tries to cooperate in household works. But hardly feels it necessary to behave frienly and share his general day to day feelings. He hides many things from me and tells lies over petty issues. He doesnot care to disclose his salary too. He hides if he gets any monetary rewards from office.
    He keeps on saying that his manager is forcing him to take night shift as soon as possible.
    it gives me the feeling that he doesnot want to stay with me long.

    He doesnot care even if we donot have sex for 2 weeks. (few days back it happened so).
    I keep on talking to him often explaining that its important for us to be friendly and to get intimate. His mantra is office, meals and sleep.
    He says he doesnot have any knowledge about all this. He says he gets headache and also feels tired mostly.
    When we get physical, i do most of the actions on his body. Then he would do it mechanically.
    I tried to google about these and study together to bring him interest. I asked to buy romantic/adult CDs to help us to learn.
    Always its me....who keeps on initiating.
    Even when we try to get intimate, his actions i feel mechanical (lacking his inner sex drive), so i donot enjoy. I talked to him on this too. But not much improvement is there.
    Some nights he would turn his back towards me and sleep like that for long hours, whereas i feel it bad to turn my back towards him while sleeping. It hurts me.

    Few days back on my urge, we went to honeymoon, throughout the trip, i tried to kiss him in the bus when no one is seeing us. But he keeps on saying me not to do as others might see us. But lastly when we were in the night bus (VOLVO)with curtains closed and luckily no one in adjacent seat, i expected him to act naughty. But to my expectation he kissed me once, took my hand in his hand and started to sleep within 15mins. I was blushed with anger when he didnot take advantage of darkness.
    After sometime he i removed my hand from his and it made him realise i was annoyed, though i acted to be normal. Then he didnot sleep and kept on looking outside the window at the road view. Not even he talked anything romantic. He spoiled my 3hours journey like this.

    This shows that he hardly cares to touch me and show his careness and affection towards me. All these makes me sleeples thinking why he is behaving like this.

    Even my parents could sense these gap he creates when they stayed in my house last month. My aunty came to visit me last week, she could realise the reality looking and judging my body structure (which improves incase of a newly married woman).

    Please help how to get him on track.
     
    Trisha14 and HinaSahil like this.
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  2. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Men are not sex machines, they have their feelings, insecurities, shyness. Even if he gets erection that does not mean he wants to have sex. He wants to proceed slowly and in his own pace. If you back off little and let him get used to the new setup?
     
    pinkydarling, Trisha14, jmsd and 7 others like this.
  3. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

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    Crayoness might be right. Also this is my advice from another angle.

    Why not take him to sex counselling advisers and find out the real problem and of course the solution. If he is not opening up about his problem that he might have, whether physical or psychological, you got to opt for this solution only. Convince him and tell him his problem might get solved once he meets a good counsellor.
     
  4. nehakhetal

    nehakhetal Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree with Crayoness and CoolPie,
    Its just 2.5 months, so dont get to conclusion too fast.
    Better visit to counselor or ur family physician to exactly rule out the problem.
    He is not impotent, just lack of sex drive or lack of libido, its not big issue at all.
    Let him give chance to take initiative . May be he doesn't like taking initiative by you.
    Too much work load , lack of rest may also be the reason behind this behaviour.
    Such type of problem comes with everyone, sometime in life. Have a patience.
    Wearing sexy lingerie, watching adult contain, seducing him to get erection,may not help in your case. Make your intimacy pleasurable rather than making him tired. Raise his sexual desire i such a way that he will take initiative next time.
    Best of Luck.
    NEHA.
     
    Trisha14 and dimple7 like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    What does good man and mamma's boy have to do with knowledge about sex?

    Dear, in 2.5 months how many salaries and monetary rewards has he received that he did not share?

    Seriously.. you've been married 10 weeks. Let's deduct two weeks for your monthly 'sabbatical' and one more week for getting over wedding related tiredness. Deduct some more days for when your parents stayed in your house. How many days does that leave for "action"?

    You were blushed with anger? Maybe 'bussed'? :)

    Look, he is already not exactly keeping you awake all night at home, why expect that he will not keep his hands to himself in the VOLVO?

    Eh? :confused2:

    Back off for a while. Give him half a chance to do the chasing.
     
    Trisha14, pear, Scorpio707 and 5 others like this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op.....Congratulations on your marriage!!!! Cheers!
    This is what happens sometimes in arranged marriages. Compatibility issues.
    If he is able to perform IC ...then it is a matter of finding the right turn on buttons with each other and also finding the right balance.

    For sometime focus on romance rather that sex. If romance and fun leads to sex.....well and good ,otherwise consider it just fun and games.

    Always be pleasant(or try to be)....smell nice.Invest in good perfumes.If mil is not an issue...then hug and kiss him when he leaves home....and greet him the same way when he returns.

    Don't leave romance only for the bedroom.....keep it on.Flirt with him ....call him in the shower to scrub your back....ask him to zip up your dress or tie the knot on your blouse.Tell him to hook your necklace for you. Thank him with a peck on the cheek.Leave it at that....don't insist on the flirting ending in intimacy.Let him take the lead there.

    Learn to enjoy the intimacy that comes from being together even without the sex.That is half the fun.Don't miss out on that thinking about the end product.


    When he does show interest and indulges in intimacy....appreciate him with words and looks.

    Slowly try to find what he likes .....tell him what you like.

    Best Wishes.

    P.S...since you say that he is very naive and innocent about these things....Is it possible that he worries about you getting pregnant too soon. Check with him.If he is uncomfortable using contraception....you take it on and reassure him.
     
    hermitcrab, Trisha14, NeetaR and 7 others like this.
  7. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, You have already received good advice.

    I also feel you need to give your husband some time to get used to the fact that he is married. Please don't mix up issues and judge your husband. It takes time to trust your partner and open up physically or monetarily. And it can happen to both men and women.

    I also don't understand why you call him a mamma's boy. If husband doesn't act on wife's whim, it does not mean he is mamma's boy!!
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    +1
    How often have we read on this forum about women who took months or sometimes more to get physically intimate.Men are not all sex machines. Sometimes,they need to emotionally connect too before they can get physically connected.
     
    Trisha14, sindmani and Joyoflife like this.
  9. nehakhetal

    nehakhetal Bronze IL'ite

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    Mens are more emotional than women sometimes. Love , sex with emotions is always good rather than emotionless sex which is like forced sex.
     
    Trisha14 likes this.
  10. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with Crayoness she is completely right. Op you need to give him his space. I think you are going over board by pestering him. Just leave him alone and wait for his action.
     
    Trisha14, sindmani and dimple7 like this.

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