Help me to forget my first love!

[JUSTIFY]

Yeah Even I agree with shilpama. Arranged marriages are not completely in parents wishes. In most cases its as THEY(bride and groom) wanted it to be.I agree exceptions are there. But most of the times Its according to their choices not the parents. Yeah in arranged marriages parents do look into some aspects but in most cases they don't rule entire choice list

true Don't try to forget it Drpepper. Try to forgive what happened. Its just past. Accept it.
[/JUSTIFY]

 

Dr. Pepper,

The thing is, your husband is competing against a daydream and that's not fair. Because the thing with day dreams is, in our imagination we can create the perfect guy and dream him up to be perfect and God like. Whereas your husband is a real man living in the real world. Obviously in your mind, your imagined guy will always win because he is perfect and your husband is not. But REALITY is a whole different story.

In real life, there is no telling how the first guy is as a husband. But one thing I know for sure, he is not perfect. Because in real life none of us are. Just as your husband has his flaws, so does that other guy you day dream about.

Since your thoughts are troubling you, I think you need to battle thought with thought. Think to yourself how you have been picturing the first guy.... through rose colored glasses, wondering 'what could have been'. Probably your thoughts of him are unrealistically positive. That's because you weren't close enough to him, or around him long enough, or in an intimate relationship with him like you are with your dh... to see the flaws in him. But had you stuck around, you would have seen his flaws too. So first thing is, tell your self he is not a knight in shining armor or 'the one that got away', but just an average guy whom you once knew. If your dh does something that pisses you off, don't be tempted to imagine the first guy handling the issue better than your dh did. That is not reality talking, it's your imagination. If you hold your dh to an impossible standard, you will always be dissapointed in him.

When you start to see the first guy for what he is (just an average guy), I think these day dreams will go away. If there are problems in your relationship with dh, stop using this first guy as a mental escape. Instead focus on fixing whatever cracks are there in your current relationship. And if you need a mental escape, pick up a novel and read a good story. That will allow you to take a mental break from the daily grind of everyday life, without kicking your mind into regret overdrive.

There's one thing I can promise you, which if you can accept, will make forgetting him a whole lot easier. That guy and his wife have issues in their marriage. They fight. They get angry at each other from time to time. He makes mistakes and so does his wife. He's not the perfect husband. He's just a regular man, same as your husband, trying to do the best he can. The point is, you have an otherwise happy marriage. Gushing 24/7 love only happens in movies. But the steady love you share with your husband and your child is real and nobody can take that away from you. Why day dream when you've got all that right in front of you? Maybe you can imagine that other guy sweeping you off your feet in your mind, but that doesn't compare to the real, live, warm hugs your kid can give you in real life, or the feeling of comfort you get when your husband reaches over in the middle of the night and puts his arm over yours. That is the real deal my friend. Think about it.

p.s. Whether you were a blind sheep following society or a parent worshipping zombie at the time of your marriage..... really, it doesn't matter anymore. That's in the past. What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up for not marrying that other guy. You did what you thought was the RIGHT thing to do, and that's all any of us can do. The world is full of BILLIONS of men. Maybe one of them would have been better than your husband or mine. But really, who cares? Love the one your with. :thumbsup

 

OP,

I think this is more a psychological issue than emotional one.. You seem to be struggling to over come those faked emotions.. You are idealizing your ex and that inturn is drawing you away from the reality.. Just google the term 'limerence'.. You'll get loads of articles on that which could bear reminiscence to your situation.. The article in wikipeadia is described from a psychological perspective.. Read up those articles which may help you come out of the current situation..

Good Luck

 

hi
This is shilpa.I am very new to this forum.I can understand u r feelings very well bcz i came from the same situation.By gods grace i have overcomd my problem.Hoping my experience would help u.Many of them have given u suggestions like do meditation and etc ..these will supress u r pain but will not solve u r problem c ompletely.The correct solution is met a psychiortist and tell him the same problem.There are some techiniques through which u can forget him.Its not like making u a gajini.The treatment is in such a way that even if u meet him also u will remember the past but u will not be bothered for what has happend.This treatment takes three months ,treatment involves hyponitism and councelling.I took this treatment from a doctor in us who is from india.this would be a good choice bcz u can explain her clearly.
Let me clarify some of ur confusions
1)I am sure u didnt do a big mistake,anybody in that age will do the same.bcz everybody in that age will have a lot of confusions,like how would be the future with lover,and what abt the parents and many more.
2)the mistake ur doing now is u r comparing ur husband with ur lover.So u r not liking u r husband.Husbands and lovers will not be the same.
LOVERS
will make u calls all the time,seems like showing excessive care.
spend most of the time with u.etc...
HUSBAND
will not do many of these.its not that he doesnt love u.the major difference is husband has a burden of responsility which is very hard.even u r lover would b like ur husband if u have married him.

 

So doesnt anyone think that DrPepper should contact that guy on facebook? I think if you contact your ex, it might give you a closure. Never tell him you have feelings for him. But tell him you have a kid and you are happy and wish him the same. Because of all the drama he did when you got married, you are feeling guilty. Probably, he believes that his wife is his true love, and that would give you a closure that there is nothing remaining in this relation. Also, see the movie 'Hum Dil de chuke sanam' again. Marriage is bigger than love, coz marriage has love in it, but not vice versa.
Think what you would get out your feeling you call 'love'? Nothing. You'll just end up hearting people you really love.
Get busy girl! Get a job if you are not working. Get yourself so tired and busy that you have no time to think about anything. Just tell yourself not to think about him. Set a goal - say you wont think about him for a week.

 

1) try to involve with you friends and family.

2) Do not sit ideally

3) Do not get alone.

4) Also get married as soon as possible.

5) Throw all the things which gives regards of him.


Hope these will help you better.