Help Me To Evaluate The Situation And Proceed In Deciding What I Have To Do.....

Will tell my problem in a gist .....

At the age to 14 met my long distant cousin, who was flirting with me.....

At the age to 18, met a college friend, who proposed to me, but i said i have my cousin in my mind .... He was heartbroken, and did not disturb me much....

I came to know that my cousin whom i liked - was flirting with all the girls.... so i told about my college proposal to him, for which he got offended and said, you cannot choose to marry outside the caste, etc etc...You have younger siblings who are girls, their life will be affected etc etc. He started wooing me saying that he is also in love with me!!!

I trusted him and marriage happened just like any arranged marriage, where parents initiated, even before i completed my education.

After marriage is when his true colors emerged, he being a male chauvinist tried to control me in each and everything... He also had many many emotional affairs with other female colleagues. Dont really know about physical affairs, but that did not matter to me.....emotional affair is most dangerous.

Tolerated years of emotional abuse, and finally came out with flying colors in career because i chose to keep continuing my higher education....

After a decade, met a person who was struggling with recent divorce and feeling lonely, and who was getting into addiction of alcohol for various reasons. Gave him my hand, made him to give up the addiction and fell really into love..... felt like it was true love ....

But it was not meant to be..... he was constantly missing his ex-spouse and finally left the relationship, ofcourse he wanted to maintain our relationship as an affair.... which i denied and cut the communication.... went to depression too much.....

After a few years, a surprising thing happened in my life, my college friend who had proposed to me earlier contacted me after two decades and wanted to know how i was doing in life. I shared my story. He was irritated by the fact the i had an affair!!!......

I came to know that he had married and been living without physical intimacy with his wife for over a decade, and was living seperately. (but not divorced). He told that he still loves me and he need two years time to clear his legal formalities, so that he can marry me.

But the fact is that he lives in a country opposite the globe. And he has chose to become the citizen of that country. Am patriotic and love my country, the job am in (its a job of national pride)....

All along my life, i was longing for love, but in fact am seeing myself not willing to sacrifice anything to have love/marriage in my life ..... love for my country and job is so much that am reluctant to sacrifice those for having love in my life ......

Asking myself? If he had truly loved me, he would have been in touch with me, to know about my life, why to contact after two decades? A non-patriotic person, not-yet-divorced person, a person who judged me for falling in love and having an affair - all these self questions are bothering me.....

Should i trust in his love, or choose to stay alone (no love, no relationship - no hurts) ??

NB: Am in my mid-forties.

 

To be true, i was happiest during the period when i was in love which i had felt it as true love.... (which eventually was meant to be called as an affair)..... That period was the time i knew what true happiness can be - because of a relationship.....

other than that....

Am a happy person, naturally, have good friends, etc... But yeah had been having a void in my life, which got filled by the true love, though it turned out to be a mirage. After that, I was on the process of knowing what could be the purpose of my life - so long it was kids - now, they are grown up and on their own.... feeling as though there is no purpose .... other than my profession.....

Being spiritual .....

Thought that maybe thats why a person has approached me (maybe a sign), but again not willing to compromise my existing life to have love.... Told the same to him, i had the emotional support during my hardest years of my life through my job, which i love, so i will not be able to give it up anytime for the sake of marriage or love.

 

Thankyou for your kind words....

 

Thankyou friends. But please don't jump to conclusions that am not divorced.

Am legally divorced. He is not. And that's why we are not in relationship yet.

Even to consider his love am in a dilemma, thats where I am.

Whomever I met previously was divorced. Still he went back to his ex-spouse. That is also another reason why I am hesitant to consider even.

But still the feeling of being in love is making me to be in dilemma. I am beginning to understand that - can't risk my life in the name of love. If everything falls in place can consider, should not keep it as an essential factor for living a happy life.