Help Me Raise My Son Better

Rihana · Nov 12, 2024

SGBV said: ↑

To address these behaviors, I’ve stopped giving him gifts without merit. He now needs to earn or prove himself in some way to receive special rewards. I frequently emphasize the importance of respect, humility, and discipline. However, with the natural challenges of teenage years, he often resists or ignores these lessons, sometimes reacting with frustration or anger.
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SGBV said: ↑

Today, though, if my son is late or forgets something at school, he often blames me for not being there when he leaves, indirectly making me feel guilty. Not only does he feel this way, but my mother and some of his teachers seem to attribute any minor issues he has—like forgetting his lunch box (which happened only once this year) or missing homework—to my demanding career.
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I’ve noticed that other children who make similar mistakes don’t seem to have their parents questioned in this way.
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1. "Stopped giving him gifts without merit" - Don't tie gifts to his behavior. Continue with a few gifts that are given out of the usual love and affection. Reserve one or two big items that he has to earn through good behavior or allowance. Actually, I would say do not link any gift to behavior. That makes it messy as if the good behavior relapses, you have to take away the gift, which aggravates the situation. Or, follow a rule that once he earns a gift through behavior, it is his for keeps and cannot be taken away.

2. Maid servant doing the getting ready for school tasks for him - slowly reduce what she does. Do not make it sound like a punishment and do not say it is for him to improve. Just make him responsible for his things. If he forgets something, he deals with it at school. If he is late, the driver leaves for school without him. I understand though that these are harder to follow outside the U.S. Here, at 13, the school expects the student to be responsible for their items and due dates.

3. Talking to the teen and reasoning with him - this is the biggest do not do. We cannot talk to a teen about the importance of humility, not taking things for granted, and being more responsible. The conversation needs to be much more concrete, with measurable goals, and a mutually agreed consequence for not following what is agreed upon. Above all, do not talk about your own humbler childhood. If you keep that up, the teen might reasonably say "ok fine let's all live like that." We cannot expect too much gratitude from teens for the luxuries we willingly provide.

4. These challenges are normal and you are doing the best you can. What is most disturbing is that he, your mom and some teachers are holding you responsible for his forgotten lunch box and missing homework. That they are linking it to your demanding career. Even if you were a stay-at-home-mom, at 13, you are not responsible for him remembering any of those.

lavani · Nov 12, 2024

Rihana said: ↑

3. Talking to the teen and reasoning with him - this is the biggest do not do. We cannot talk to a teen about the importance of humility, not taking things for granted, and being more responsible. The conversation needs to be much more concrete, with measurable goals, and a mutually agreed consequence for not following what is agreed upon. Above all, do not talk about your own humbler childhood. If you keep that up, the teen might reasonably say "ok fine let's all live like that." We cannot expect too much gratitude from teens for the luxuries we willingly provide.
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very true. not sure it works for adult children also.

chanchitra · Nov 12, 2024

SGBV said: ↑

Today, though, if my son is late or forgets something at school, he often blames me for not being there when he leaves, indirectly making me feel guilty. Not only does he feel this way, but my mother and some of his teachers seem to attribute any minor issues he has—like forgetting his lunch box (which happened only once this year) or missing homework—to my demanding career. I’ve noticed that other children who make similar mistakes don’t seem t
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Wow. This is very unfair on you.
Your mother and husband feeling that way has passed on to your son too.
Ask them , will they manage all finance if you leave your job?
Teachers too. Wtf?

SGBV · Nov 12, 2024

Thank you all

Your responses were truly eye-opening.

The reality is, I arranged for these comforts—like the car and maid—more for my own peace of mind, to escape the guilt my family often imposes on me.

Each family member has their own reasons, often toxic, and collectively it all weighs on my mental health.

My H struggles with insecurity and often eases his fragile ego by making me feel guilty for the things I can't always manage at home. While he has changed, the impact from past behaviors remains.

My mom is still resentful that I’m away so much, sacrificing my well-being for my career while my H,(in her view), relaxes at home. She believes my career ambitions are the reason he’s become passive, and that had I chosen a simpler path or stayed at home like my cousins, I would have pushed him to take more responsibility—claiming that hardship would have forced him into action. She says, her tactics and pushing made our dad responsible who was a carefree man before marriage.

But what kind of advice is that? I don’t want my family to suffer in poverty just to make my H work harder. When the opportunity came, I stepped up to provide, regardless of traditional roles.

Teachers here don’t understand our situation. Abroad, I didn’t face this judgment, but in Sri Lanka, career-oriented mothers seem to be viewed as lacking in parenting. However, these opinions don’t bother me as long as my children aren’t affected.

I’m confident that my children recognize the hard work and sacrifices that go into making their lives comfortable. My son, though, is a teenager who resists discipline, and he’s learned to redirect blame onto me to avoid stricter parenting—which is a behavior I’m trying to address.

He’s surrounded by positive role models: my brother, brothers-in-law, and cousins, who are all hard-working men he looks up to, especially my brother, with whom he’s close.

All our kids (including my nieces, nephews etc...) look up to me, too, and they know I work hard for our family. Yet, my kids, especially my son resists my efforts to set boundaries and discipline.

Given our family dynamics, it’s clear I need to be firm and consistent as a parent now before it's too late.

I don’t want anyone suggesting that my career was the reason I “failed” as a parent.

This is another hurdle to cross.

DDream · Nov 13, 2024

On the positive side he is doing well acdemically. I suggest to make him do his on chores, like cleaning his plates, making his own room, laundry , folding clothes be there if you can. Dont order ask in a nicer way. Give them more resonsibilities and tasks, once in a while. If they dont do their chores, don't give mobile / tablet/whatever or tv. No gender difference. He is old enough to remember his daily school tasks, lunch box etc.. Tell him he is not a baby anymore and time to man up. If they dont do even simple things, they never value it now. I am sure later in their life they may appreciate it better when they are in our own shoes. Teach him to take responsibility of his own life. They are getting it easy, they dont see the pain or vulnerable state, so it is ok sometimes, not to do certain thing for them when you are weak. Instead of preeching, slowly communicate. Dont blame others including H infront of him. Not an easy age, you are getting there. Otherwise, let him enjoy his child hood and these stages.

nuss · Nov 14, 2024

@SGBV - my children are same age as yours (12 yo son and 9 yo daughter). Reading your post I can see that you are doing everything you can do to make your children feel loved, safe, and valued. You are a wonderful parent!

I travel a lot- at least once a month for 3-4 days so I understand your concern. A few things that have worked for us (during a semester away for a fellowship in a different country and on a regular basis):

1. we have a cleaner who comes weekly and also does laundry (sheets and towels). However, kids have to make their beds in the morning and do their own laundry on the weekends. While we ensure that they have clean towels and sheets, it’s their responsibility to have clean uniforms and other clothing items.

2. Kids plan a meal once a week (Saturday or Sunday). They need to make a plan and execute it. We help them with oven or moving hot pots etc but they do most of the cooking/ chopping and deciding on a side, main dish and if they are being adventurous, a dessert.

3. My son takes bus (although like your son he gets up at 6 for 6:50 bus). My daughter doesn’t have the option so we drop her off.

4. They have a list to check everything in the morning- watch (he has an Apple Watch to call/text us in case bus is late etc), binder, glasses, water bottle, musical instrument, homework binder- to make sure nothing is left behind. It’s their responsibility to check everything before getting out the door (I had to drop off his clarinet once because he forgot but usually he is pretty good).

I started training them last year when I went to Paris for 6 months. I was so worried how my family would function without me but they did great. Now I am leaving for South America for 6 months and I know my husband can handle them well without my instructions.

I would suggest you that you give them responsibilities so they know what is expected from them.

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Help Me Raise My Son Better

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