Help Me Raise My Son Better

Hi SGBV

As i was reading your post, i couldnt help but compare your life to my aunt's life. My aunt like you is a the major breadwinner of the family. My uncle .... well the less said the better. So you get the picture. He has majored in so many streams, there is actually a long list of credentials behind his name and at the end of the day he likes to twiddle his thumbs and sit. They have a son my brother A.

Since childhood, A has been the apple of both their eyes and to a certain extent had the same sense of entitlement. But at around 11 years or so, my aunt started talking to him and discussing with him normal stuff the day-to-day mundane stuff. He used to discuss about his day and she hers. So slowly that bond deepened and later he started understanding how his dad's lifestyle was costing his mom her physical and mental health.

A is now running a business and earns well. He doesnt waste a single penny on waste or unnecessary stuff. At 24, what he can, he saves and spends though he can live well off now, he wont.

Maybe instead of trying to 'teach' about humility, respect and discipline, i feel talking to him about your struggles might help him.

I do the same with my 13 year old son. I tell him about my day. I tell him if i am tired, to a certain extent, we talk about life, philosophy, he tells me his views on things and i share mine. He does make requests for certain things he needs and he knows i will get it for him. But we create a plan as to when and how long it will take for me to save and get it for him and he is onboard with him.

Recently for my younger son's birthday, he wanted a gift - a video game costing 4K and a trip to his favorite restaurant which would cost around 5K. Unfortunately due to certain financial distress, we couldnt carry it out. But both my husband and I sat them down and told my sons that we would take them but it would take some time before we can do that. So for the time being we compromised on the restaurant and his gift has been postponed until we can procure it for him...time not decided.

They understood. Infact they have gone a step further and both of them want to start a business to help us all come out of this situation. They have been floating a few ideas of business but you get the idea

I would suggest you to sit with your kids and talk to them. I feel a reality check as to your humble beginnings and all your trials of marriage and other issues shared with him along with how you made it through should bring about a change in him. It would take some time before he understands and responds but it is a start.

 

genuinely curious. why does he have a maid and driver, private bathroom. is it because you can afford or your organization allows or is it private to your whole family or just him. why cannot he go in school bus.

these Qs are not to judge. but if you have or are providing to make his life well because of parental love. it is contributing a bit. because that gives a feeling that what you worked hard for is easy to get.

what you are trying to do in adding discipline is good.

 

Dear SGBV, my answers might come across as blunt but they are what is feel is wrong in this situation -

This is enabling him. This is the precise reason why he is feeling entitled. It is said that more than what we say or talk, kids emulate our behaviour. You cant teach him humility and at the same time provide all these too.

All the above indicate that your son doesnt want to make an effort towards anything.

Again, afford it so we have it is a mentality that seems to have contributed to this mentality. A lot of people have money but dont go for these kinds of comforts. Try and bring some normalcy that you had when you were a kid into his life.

Having a separate room is fine as long as he has the discipline to maintain and keep it tidy, if not, i dont feel it is right.

Your entire family guilt trips you for your career. You husband, mom from what you have shared with us here. Create a clear boundary and talk to your kids about your struggles and hardships so they know where you came from.

As parents, i understand this mentality that we carry that our children should have a better and a comfortable life than what we had. But it shouldnt come at the cost of discipline, good behaviour, respect for things that they have.

Inculcating discipline should be the primary focus. I guess more than him, you need to think hard about the kind of life you need to provide them so they know and understand the true value of things in life.

 

In context or not, here I do remember the soudhi king's quote:

When asked about the future of Dubai, Sheikh Rashid replied:
"My grandfather rode a camel. My father rode a camel.
I drive a Mercedes. My son drives a Land Rover.
My grandson will ride a Land Rover,
but my great-grandson will ride a camel again."
Why?
“Hard times create strong men,
strong men create easy times.
Easy times create weak men,
weak men create hard times.”​

 

@SGBV,

I would recommend the following steps to course-correct his entitled behavior:

1) Arrange for structured but hard-working summar camps for him to spend during annual holidays.
2) You need to sit down with him and make him accept to be part of self-defence class or even become a boy-scout or its equivalent, if possible.
3) You need to have a frank talk with your husband that he needs to be more engaged with your son and make your son understand nothing comes easily in life.
4) I know you mean the best for your son but during weekends, tell him the story of your hardwork and the obstacles you had encountered to reach where you are now. He needs to listen to that often.
5) If possible, and if there is an option, check him into a private residential school for a year to ensure he works on his own to achieve academically as well as regulate his life on his own. This might create a shocking effect on him but you have to be firm in telling him that he should continue in that private residential school and don't let him come back home until he fixes his attitude and behavior. You don't have to tell him that it is just for a year so that you would have the flexibility to continue him for more years, if needed.
6) Discipline is a way of life and it comes to him only when he has role models to demonstrate that discipline. Since you are away, he might be looking to emulate from your husband and mother. If possible, try to make surprise visits home so that he doesn't know when you will be visiting or when you will be calling to talk to him.
7) Even a child pshychologist may be able to help him cope up with the rigor and discipline, if you explain the issues clearly to him. This step may help him understand his present way of living is an issue. This might involve you being open and frank with the professional about the real issues at home. It is easier to fix it now than after he grow up more.
8) You need to ensure that he doesn't have a gender bias as he is seeing you working hard and your husband staying at home. This might create a profound impact in his life in future.
9) Before you do any of the above, you need to have a frank talk with him that academic performance is not everything in life and discipline is equally important. You have to explain that the habit of feeling entitled will lead to future complications.

 

Your family always blames your career but it looks like they have no problem enjoying the fruits of your hard work. Tell them that they can’t have it both ways.

 

why . is it not safe to go in school bus.

understandable, needed where a primary care giver is outside home and other partner is not much use. we both help my son. dh packs his lunch and setups his bag. but that is it. he needs to get out of home to catch his bus. son is same age . kids do need reminder and bit help but not fully.

my son forget lunch box, water bottle. part of growing up. gets next day. but if he ends blaming me or dh, he knows he is in trouble. i think you allow that since you grow up in rough environment thinking it is ok to be kind to kids by taking blame.

lot of what you mentioned is part of pre-teen . i do not find much concerning with your son. boys are like that, need some tough love. but what more concerning is that kind of royal life style you are giving thinking it is needed. that is quite addictive .