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Help Me In Understand Where Is The Problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by amnilakshmi, Apr 29, 2016.

  1. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am back with newset of issues.. I feel my hubby doesnt respect me ... Its not just feeling but the truth.. he even said that .. There is no use talking it out. What do you think, how to gain respect ? he talks well and acts well. I know he uses me when he needs something done from me. When his work is done, he ill treats me.. Earlier he used to do it in front of guests and all of them used to treat me badly. Now i have restricted it by saying i dont want guests at home. but the treatment continues to be bad. how to handle it?
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    What is your problem with your hubby?
    How long have you been married?

    Although in marriage, love and respect are the fundamentals, you can't expect the same by default. It has to be earned by your behavior and character. However, there are people who ill-treat their spouses for other reasons. Such as social reasons, ego etc..
    In such cases, you have no choice other than demanding respect.

    Respect is the most fundamental need in any relationship.

    First of all, try to sit together with your husband in a calm situation. Probe about this "respect" issue and see what exactly his issues are?
    See whether he expects any behavioral changes from you? If so, try to introspect and see whether you should change yourself first.
    If he is talking about society and ego, then give him a big NO to all of them. Demand your respect.
    Be firm and repeat your demanding every time he forgets to respect you.

    For ex... My husband used to be very much disrespectful towards me if there are other people around. Specially my people.
    It hurts, because I feel so bad and down before my own people for this.
    When I sit with him once (not just once, but many times. But one time it worked), he said that my people are way too much proud about my superior position in career. They think that I am a great gift to my H, and he doesn't deserve me at all.
    I am not sure whether everyone of my relatives thinks the same. Perhaps it is his assumption.
    He was not in a good career when I was having the high time in my career. So, his inferiority added fuel to the fire.
    Plus, I guessed what would have taught by in laws at that situation. Adding everything together, my H has decided to prove him the man of our house by insulting me, and making me fearing him/serving to him, rather than being casual with him.
    When I learnt this, I did not fight with him... But I was too much respecting him before my people naturally.
    I would serve him food, ask his permission before doing anything, even to go out for shopping... But normally we are very casual couple, and we never do that.
    Which pleased him to some level.
    At the same time, I helped him so much to sit in a good career. Which boasted his EGO.
    So, finally he has become matured. He even takes the plate from my hand (when I was pregnant) in parties when both side relatives are around. If questioned, he would say.. I am helping my wife, what's your problem... He has no inferiority complex now. No confusions about respect now. This maturity comes to many people after certain years of marriage. In our case, my husband learnt them only after 5 yrs.

    Just gave this example, since I don't know what's your problem
     
    sindmani, Bubbles, hermitcrab and 2 others like this.
  3. Gladimeir15

    Gladimeir15 Junior IL'ite

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    You should have to talk to your husband. No other way to solve it but only both you can. Tell him what is in your minds, your feelings and thoughts. Then, after all try things that will work not only to you but to the two of you.
     
  4. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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    He will never say what is in his mind. He will be quiet and will listen to whatever i say then take my weak points and use it against me. Please advice on how to change the situation
     
  5. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Somebody gave me this advice in the recent past. When you don't know what to do, just listen, stop talking. You do the same, remain silent and calm and let him do the talking all the time. Just keep nodding your head, even if means looking dumb and observe him closely. I don't have to mention that keeping quiet does not mean letting him harm you physically or any other way, just any verbal abuse. Within time you will learn how to handle the situation.
     
    sindmani and iman like this.
  6. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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    AT home, he doesnt talk at all... he is very quiet and keeps observing me.. If i keep quiet, there is no one doing the talking.. both of us are in silent mode observing each other's movements...
     
  7. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    You probably did not understand me. I never said to not talk at all. What I meant was whenever there is an argument, stay silent and admit fault to stop the argument. Do not make suggestions on your own but ask for opinions or even if you make a suggestion, ask him something like "I have this in mind, what do you think?" or just go on doing things as you like, basically take a decision and keep doing things. I once saw one of my husband's friend instructing his wife, she would just remain calm, not get worked up, even though that guy's tone was all mean. She was attentive and would just do the task her husband told her to do, correctly. The key point is, she was so calm and she was LISTening. That is why her husband was not able to dominate her completely and she has her way when she really wants to.
     
    sindmani and iman like this.
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Dont open up to him if you using your weak point against you.
    Talk general.Hows is weather, whats going on in HIS office etc
    Dont tell him anything about your self
     
    sindmani and iman like this.
  9. sarada30

    sarada30 Platinum IL'ite

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    oh dear,

    First thing in men is ego so may be your hubby feels you are the only one in the world whom he can rule by putting down.
     

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