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Help me in being normal with my in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011.

  1. Jul 27, 2011 #1
    Kimaya

    Kimaya Senior IL'ite

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    Hi

    I had lot of trouble with my in-laws. When I was initially married they would comment on my looks, tell me that DH has girlfriends. They tried everything to seperate me and DH but I survived because I was too strong. They have even treated my parents badly. After my children were born and they did not give any attention to them I stopped trying to be nice to them and just used to stay quiet.

    Now, we live in US and there is no problem as my DH talks with them when he likes which is once in 3 or 4 months. Me and kids don't talk to them at all, nor do they try. They don't even call DH ever, he only calls them. Our SIL is also in US but noone tells us anything or contacts us about anything.

    Initially (first few years of marriage) when I was still speaking with my in-laws I used to be very upset with their treatment, having temper rounds. Getting angry. Now I have accepted that we both don't like each other and nothing can be done.

    We are going to India and DH wants to visit them for 3-4 days. I had a temper round again after 2 yrs last night. I got upset and started shouting. My main anger - why does he not get it? Last year when we went there they asked us to leave the house as my SIL was coming with her husband. This is hard for me and the kids - we don't know them. Despite everything that they have done, DH still wants us to meet them when he goes, help them financially if anything comes up. He thinks its his responsibility. He spent 1.5 lakhs on them last year. (gold bangles and LCD TV)

    In the morning I woke up and realised that its fine, I have to adjust and live with this so I need your help in being normal with them for those 3-4 days.

    Things I'm trying to tell myself:

    They are old and need to see their kid atleast once a year.
    I could have had worse problems in my marriage - I have to adjust and live with this.
    Just 3-4 days in 365 days not much.

    Even now after more than 12 years, they will tell me stories of some girl my husband used to crank call in class 8. Or something else bad about him. I hate my kids hearing all this stuff. The thought of being with them makes me want to die. So please help friends.

    Thanks

    K
     
    Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011
    Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011
    #1
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  2. Jul 27, 2011 #2
    sunshinegaljuhi

    sunshinegaljuhi Senior IL'ite

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    Dear K,

    Your post really made me sad...why can't in laws love and understand their daughter in law even after 12 yrs of marriage...afterall you are the one looking after their son and grandchildren for all these long years.

    Just give up the expectation that one day they will behave nicely or even understand you - some people just done! This done just prepare urself mentally to be tough those few days. Done get into any discussions/talks/arguments with them. Just keep your distance. I suggest you be with your hubby and avoid being alone with your in laws. Just dont give them an oppurtunity to start something. However if they do start such a topic...just excuse yourself and leave the scene at once... go to the loo/kitchen/anywhere....

    And just pass those 3-4 days as peacefully and calmly as you can..for ur hubby's sake...since its obvious that its important for him. All the best..keep calm....and also if possible try and forgive them since they are worthy of your anger or pain.

    Lotsa luck,
    Juhi
     
    sunshinegaljuhi, Jul 27, 2011
    sunshinegaljuhi, Jul 27, 2011
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  3. Jul 27, 2011 #3
    Kimaya

    Kimaya Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks, Juhi. Yes, I also feel bad why they can't be nice to me or normal with me. I tried so many times, I used to call them talk to them openly with love but they always used to say you can never be like our daughter so dont try to be like one. Its no point having an open discussion. I think its a situation where you know that things can't work out and its best to stay quiet and not say anything. They don't like me and no matter what i do it wont change. I'm sure its tough for my husband and I will try to support him from my end. But it does really hurt at times.
     
    Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011
    Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011
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  4. Jul 27, 2011 #4
    Mahanu

    Mahanu Silver IL'ite

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    Kimaya,

    Be with your DH during your stay there and if it happens for you and kids to be with them w/o your DH, then go for an outing somewhere and return by the time your DH also comes home. Avoid any kind of friction and pass of the days peacefully, as it is you, who is going to be affected by responding to their bad behaviour. Just keep you cool and dont care for any of their words.
     
    Mahanu, Jul 27, 2011
    Mahanu, Jul 27, 2011
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  5. Jul 27, 2011 #5
    bramvi

    bramvi Silver IL'ite

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    Kimaya,
    I feel for you.
    Just like you said, it is only 3 or 4 days out of 365 days !
    It is so true :They are old and need to see their kid atleast once a year. .
    Leave it at that.
    One thing , before you go make sure you make your kids thick skinned also when it comes to your inlaws..even 1 day is enough for such people to make your kids talk against you.
    I don't understand why such old people who are supposed to hold the family together get so immature and stupid when it comes to daughter in law? .
     
    bramvi, Jul 27, 2011
    bramvi, Jul 27, 2011
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  6. Jul 27, 2011 #6
    pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    Firstly do not let them rob your peace of mind even being miles away. If you do so, you are like giving your remote control in their hands.

    Remember you have a good life to get back to, AFTER visiting them. This will assure you have something positive to look forward to. Approach them with positivity. By positivity, i dont mean that you should expect that they will be nice to you. I mean that tell yourself, no matter what, you will not get depressed. You are a mother now and have to stay strong in the eyes of your kids.

    By temper rounds, do you mean anything serious (medical ?) or just the disturbances.

    Let peace be with you.
     
    pman16, Jul 27, 2011
    pman16, Jul 27, 2011
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  7. Jul 27, 2011 #7
    Kimaya

    Kimaya Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone. Yes, I think keeping my mind normal is the most important thing.

    Pman, no medical thing. Just I used to get angry a lot. I used to be sad all the time, sometimes did not have bath did not eat. I just kept thinking why why why. I used to call my DH's parents sometimes, try talking to them but they were always so rude. I think the guilt of seperating him from his family does hurt me. They were a very close loving family, DH used to be the ideal son and he used to be very close to his sisters too. Marriage changed everything. So, the guilt.
     
    Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011
    Kimaya, Jul 27, 2011
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  8. Jul 28, 2011 #8
    beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    I think you should go. After all he is their son. 3-4 days wont kill you. If they bring unpleasant stuff, bring it up and point it out. Don't let them pass comments on things you don't like. Stand up for yourself. As for him doing financial favor for his parents, I find that acceptable as well. Wouldn't you do the same for yours, no matter how horrible they are. If it goes beyond a limit, that's when to bring it up and fight.
    If they take no interest in you, you don't have to take any interest either. I think your husband is very nice and supportive with no unreal expectations. You can adjust a little bit to give him some happiness.

    In the time that has passed, even his parent would have understood that you have no special liking for them based on their behavior. Take books, keep yourself busy, avoid unnecessary talks/gossips. Be cordial, get through. But mention this to your hubby, I want to do this because I love you and want to see you happy. Tell him, you lost your mind last night, thinking about the past and how much it hurts you but you are happy to have a loving husband like him.

    snub her when she makes comments about other girls. Or laugh and say characterless boy. If I did that, you would have never liked me..or oh so many sweethearts, yet all rejected him, broke his heart and I married him.
     
    beanstalk, Jul 28, 2011
    beanstalk, Jul 28, 2011
    #8
  9. Jul 28, 2011 #9
    pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    I personally think relations should not be so weak that a third person can break it. So stop feeling guilty about it. Do not spoil your peace of mind for those relations which are one sided. It will not take 12 long years to build a decent bond, if it had to.

    Focus on your peace and kids. Do not take crappy attitude from them if they point directly to you.
     
    pman16, Jul 28, 2011
    pman16, Jul 28, 2011
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