Help me get it together, please

Hey Pals,

so.. if any of you have read any of my previous threads, you can follow. If not here's a REALLY brief scenario. I have been married for over a year, we all live in US, my ILs live 2 hours away. I have BIL, Bhabhi (lives in our neighborhood), and SIL(lives with ILs).. None of my ILs like me.. leave me out.. rude.. etc. We all rarely talk and hardly meet. MIL is very jealous and dramatic with me. But, DH is usually on my side.

Here is my problem this time. My bhabhi is having a baby shower next month. FIL called and asked me to help with the event. FIL always calls me out, even when company is around, and says that I should make more efforts to get the family together. I have made several efforts in the past and recently, but everyone says they are busy or MIL causes drama. This time, FIL wants me to help with shower, but my MIL, Bhabhi, SIL all have completely left me out. I invited bhabhi over, and asked her if she needs help.. she said everything was taken care of.

I know this sounds minor, but I rather just "stay away" from all of this. I'm not wanted by them, and I feel very uncomfortable. Everytime the family gets together, I get stressed out. I tend to get left out and ignored... blamed for issues, etc... I was not expecting them to really involve me, but I don't like the pressure. It's like they expect me to help, but purposely do not involve me..

Usually my MIL and everyone will cause drama to humiliate me whether or not I help. I prefer to just stay civil and keep it minimal but respectful when doing family gatherings.

I tried to talk to DH, but he said "let them do whatever they want. when our time comes we can do whatever we want" ..that's ok, but my issue is that I feel uncomfortable. Apart from the fact that I do not look forward to family events, I feel stressed and left out.

FIL wants us to go few days early to help, but I don't want to go. DH told FIL that is not a problem and we will be there.

Please help me get myself together. I don't know why this is all stressing me out so much. I'm just tired of being uncomfortable and left out.

 

Hey MM,

Well SIL and bhabhi and MIL are all one team. The kind of gang up on me and neglect me on purpose. I don't know what to talk to them about. I don't want to argue or cause more tension than there already is.

 

Great advise.. that is the type of things I have been doing since and prior to marriage. See, this is all become way more complicated. MIL, Bhabhi, SIL all dislike me and team up against me. For example, my SIL never even says "hello" even if we are in the same room. Once I start to talk to her, she leaves the room and never comes near me again. My MIL and Bhabhi have become very close and make up stories about me, twists things up, excludes me from ALL family things. I stay as respectful and kind as I know how, but I am not good at being "fake". It's hard for me to pretend with people when they are outwardly mistreating me. Regardless, I stay civil and smile.

DH is beginning to spend more time with his family.. YES, it is his family and I don't want to create distance. This is the new tactic that MIL etc.. are doing now. They are including DH.. and even MY family!! and purposely teaming against me. I feel terrible.. like I want to hide under a rock. DH is now wanting me to do my part by including myself, visit, etc.. and just be nice back even if they treat me bad. What am I? Human, right?????? I've never in my life ever let ppl mistreat me or use me.. how am I supposed to "just be yourself.. nice".. ??

 

I just ask her how she is.. how is work/school.. have you seen any cool movies lately (regular talk). She may give very short one word replies, gets on her phone and plays games, then slowly leaves the room. These days she does not even come out of her room when my DH and I go over. For ex.. she takes her dinner downstairs before we go over and then pretends to be sleep. VERY strange. Honestly, I wish I could think of something slightly I've done wrong, I'd apologize or fix it. none of this makes sense to me ever. I know one time she complained that I never call her, so that's why she didnt call on my bday - BUT I used to be the one that call her.. even ask her to hang out. She always made excuses or tried to get off the phone. She has never called me.. not even once.

That's what I'm afraid of. But DH does not want me to be like bhabhi - he calls her a "suck up". He wants me to be myself. He told FIL that "my wife is not going to kiss-up to get attention." But at the end of the day, I still do not know what is expected of me then.

I used to "try to patch things" but it got me in more mess.