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Help me get it together, please

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by GoodTeacher, Jul 20, 2010.

  1. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    Hey Pals,

    so.. if any of you have read any of my previous threads, you can follow. If not here's a REALLY brief scenario. I have been married for over a year, we all live in US, my ILs live 2 hours away. I have BIL, Bhabhi (lives in our neighborhood), and SIL(lives with ILs).. None of my ILs like me.. leave me out.. rude.. etc. We all rarely talk and hardly meet. MIL is very jealous and dramatic with me. But, DH is usually on my side.

    Here is my problem this time. My bhabhi is having a baby shower next month. FIL called and asked me to help with the event. FIL always calls me out, even when company is around, and says that I should make more efforts to get the family together. I have made several efforts in the past and recently, but everyone says they are busy or MIL causes drama. This time, FIL wants me to help with shower, but my MIL, Bhabhi, SIL all have completely left me out. I invited bhabhi over, and asked her if she needs help.. she said everything was taken care of.

    I know this sounds minor, but I rather just "stay away" from all of this. I'm not wanted by them, and I feel very uncomfortable. Everytime the family gets together, I get stressed out. I tend to get left out and ignored... blamed for issues, etc... I was not expecting them to really involve me, but I don't like the pressure. It's like they expect me to help, but purposely do not involve me..

    Usually my MIL and everyone will cause drama to humiliate me whether or not I help. I prefer to just stay civil and keep it minimal but respectful when doing family gatherings.

    I tried to talk to DH, but he said "let them do whatever they want. when our time comes we can do whatever we want" ..that's ok, but my issue is that I feel uncomfortable. Apart from the fact that I do not look forward to family events, I feel stressed and left out.

    FIL wants us to go few days early to help, but I don't want to go. DH told FIL that is not a problem and we will be there.

    Please help me get myself together. I don't know why this is all stressing me out so much. I'm just tired of being uncomfortable and left out.
     
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  2. meetumeetu

    meetumeetu New IL'ite

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    Hey Friend,

    First of all ,do not take things to your heart. If you feel that you r being neglected by them just stay calm and just show your involvement . Seeing that even if its not gonna be on that particular day one day they will open up.If not try talking to your SIL and bhabi and i guess they must be able to get your point once you talk with them.

    So wat i would suggest is just stay calm and polite . Do your Duty and most important of all do not get stressed. By getting stressed you are affecting your health and remember they r not gonna lose anything.

    Be happy
     
  3. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Goodteacher,

    First relax and dont get stressed out . You should be happy your DH is supportive and not forcing you to mingle.

    I have not read your prev posts on family issues. However Baby shower is a joyous occassion in your family.. yes it is "your" family.
    Go over and help them out.

    Try to be friendly and move involved . its really good you called your Bhabi to offer help. Continue the same. When she says everything is taken care of, dont leave it at that , ask her what is she wearing for the occassion , and what does she suggest you to wear.

    Ask her if Should you bring any supplies .. camera / batteries , tissues , etc ..


    On the day of occassion , When none of your IL's talk to you voluntarily, make them answer your question like - should you serve food ? shall I move the furniture ? shall i take over the camera ? what other chore is yet to be done ? . thats the least you can do to break the ice.
    If they are carrying anything or doing a chore, forcefully / lovingly tell them you can take over .
    The more you stay away , the more they are going to ignore you. Ask them with a smile - "arey.. you all did so much contributions, you have not left any work for me ? come on give me some work , i want to help out " ..

    I dont know what character your MIL is, however think about your Bhabhi / SIL , I assume they may be around your age. Put yourself in their shoes, they will feel that you are not mingling with them or you are not friendly with them.
    when 3 ladies can get along well, why cant you be the 4th member of the gang. Give it a shot .

    Forget all old mis-understandings and give it a try ! :thumbsup

    Have fun !
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
  4. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    Hey MM,

    Well SIL and bhabhi and MIL are all one team. The kind of gang up on me and neglect me on purpose. I don't know what to talk to them about. I don't want to argue or cause more tension than there already is.
     
  5. fudge

    fudge Senior IL'ite

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    Come on Teacher everyone is not this lucky :cheers Enjoy the peace that they bestow upon you :thumbsup
     
  6. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Reminds me of a saying: "you can wake up people who are asleep but you cannot wake up people who pretend to be asleep".

    If they are hell bent on ignoring you, there is not much you can do about it. When you meet them, just make sure that you have a smile on and dont give them a chance to complain about your behavior. Such people tend to ignore their own faults but will be quick to notice others' faults and make a mess about it.

    -Lakshmi
     
  7. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Ranchu has given you excellent advise. Why not just try it out, maybe there might be a change in your inlaws attidute... best of luck...
     
  8. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    Great advise.. that is the type of things I have been doing since and prior to marriage. See, this is all become way more complicated. MIL, Bhabhi, SIL all dislike me and team up against me. For example, my SIL never even says "hello" even if we are in the same room. Once I start to talk to her, she leaves the room and never comes near me again. My MIL and Bhabhi have become very close and make up stories about me, twists things up, excludes me from ALL family things. I stay as respectful and kind as I know how, but I am not good at being "fake". It's hard for me to pretend with people when they are outwardly mistreating me. Regardless, I stay civil and smile.

    DH is beginning to spend more time with his family.. YES, it is his family and I don't want to create distance. This is the new tactic that MIL etc.. are doing now. They are including DH.. and even MY family!! and purposely teaming against me. I feel terrible.. like I want to hide under a rock. DH is now wanting me to do my part by including myself, visit, etc.. and just be nice back even if they treat me bad. What am I? Human, right?????? I've never in my life ever let ppl mistreat me or use me.. how am I supposed to "just be yourself.. nice".. ??
     
  9. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Goodteacher,

    Your 1st post sounded like you want to patch up things in your family & trying to become a member of this new family . My suggestion was intended for that.

    There are 2 approaches here; you either listen your DH , and pose a diplomatic image in the gathering and move on with an I-dont-care attitude . Just accept the fact that they are like that and you cannot please them in any way .
    or
    you relax your ego/self-respect a bit and forget what they are doing and try to be nice . They will not realize this right away, its going to take some time to mend the relationships. you need to be patient and keep on with being nice (being yourself).
    One day they will surely realize and include you in their gang.


    when you say your SIL walks out of the room , I dont understand. Does she not reply to you ? what do you ask her ?


    One thing I can say for sure, if you are not going to accompany your DH for family gatherings / visits, then slowly your DH will also get an image in his mind that you are not willing to adjust within the family.
    His thoughts will be - if my bhabhi can get along with my mom, why cant my wife .

    So think over and handle this well. I have no other smart suggestions for you .
    Good luck :thumbsup
     
  10. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    I just ask her how she is.. how is work/school.. have you seen any cool movies lately (regular talk). She may give very short one word replies, gets on her phone and plays games, then slowly leaves the room. These days she does not even come out of her room when my DH and I go over. For ex.. she takes her dinner downstairs before we go over and then pretends to be sleep. VERY strange. Honestly, I wish I could think of something slightly I've done wrong, I'd apologize or fix it. none of this makes sense to me ever. I know one time she complained that I never call her, so that's why she didnt call on my bday - BUT I used to be the one that call her.. even ask her to hang out. She always made excuses or tried to get off the phone. She has never called me.. not even once.

    That's what I'm afraid of. But DH does not want me to be like bhabhi - he calls her a "suck up". He wants me to be myself. He told FIL that "my wife is not going to kiss-up to get attention." But at the end of the day, I still do not know what is expected of me then.

    I used to "try to patch things" but it got me in more mess.
     

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