Help!! In Laws Visiting Soon!!

Sweety2016 · Aug 14, 2023

Sometime back, when I was pregnant with my second one, I expected MIL to do some evening snacks for me as I came home famished every day. Not once did she check on me whether I needed something, even when I was vomiting profusely. I was distraught and was feeling helpless, angry, and disgusted. I kept thinking how great it would have been if girls could stay with their parents rather than PILs. Actually, it's the girl who needs more emotional and physical support than a guy, even on a normal day. But none of these thoughts helped me. I conveyed my thoughts to my husband. He informed his mom and fought with her sometimes, but I did not get what I wanted. She started making vadas, bajjiyas with lots of oil or the same 'adai dosa' every single day. Oh god! That nauseated me and made me vomit even more... My Husband started getting irritated when I did not have more than 3 of those oil ladened vadas at a time. I felt programming a computer was much easier! Helplessness and anger were pushing me into a dark negative pit, making me more emotional, cranky, and unhappy. I wish I could go back in time and keep smiling all through my pregnancy rather than being grumpy and overthinking. Alas! it's too late now.

I immediately started a thread on IL and got a different perspective altogether. In IL, rather than telling the harsh truth, the wise ladies here tell us how to navigate through the present situation diplomatically. Just like how India averts a war with China or Pakistan every single time diplomatically. Does this mean we, Indians, are nut heads? No, it means we value the peace and prosperity of our country and people more than anything else. I sometimes felt the girls here in IL were pointing at me, but no, that was not what they intended to do. They are actually screaming out loud through their replies to give priority to ourselves and our mental health even if the sailing is not so smooth.

I completely understand your situation and empathize with you. She is not entitled to know about your periods, but at the same time, you also don't have to let her know about your periods through your husband. Statistically speaking, most of the PILs don't care much about their DILs, just like how DILs don't care about the PILs. We do stuffs for them out of compulsion rather than out of love for each other, most of the times, for the sake of the person whom we love, our husband. So, it's ok if they don't care about us. But being civil, respectful, and polite is very important.

But you should care about yourself, so to avoid conflicts and be smart, you just have to ask your MIL to cook for you if you are a little unwell. or If you can't cook for them, you can inform them beforehand that you will be unable to cook for them as you are unwell. Husbands are very bad at communicating things to their parents. They don't even know how painful periods are and what thoughts go inside a girl's mind during periods.

We have to do it not because they are entitled but because we need our mind space to do something productive rather than ruminating about a conflict.

lavani · Aug 14, 2023

ignore your PILS , MILS. they are all sounding so messed up.

focus on health and job search. yours ILs are so focused on drama rather than helping you and your spouse growup financially , health.

i wonder how it will be if you in future want to have children.

some people never change.

thegirlygirl · Aug 14, 2023

@Sweety2016 thank you so much for your detailed reply. Yes, what you are saying is completely right

@lavani I can't thank you enough for your continuous support.

I knew beforehand that mil is a player and loves attention. But now the real drama has unfolded after a month's stay.

I never expected her to check on me, I did not feel like having any food so there was no question of asking her. She has schemed this.
After not checking on me the whole day long she overturned the whole thing in her favour maligning me in front of the whole family and made me look like a bad person saying I did not get up to speak to them. She brought crocodile tears in the evening after relaxing the whole day and said she didn't eat anything the whole day because I also didn't eat. I don't expect them to help me in anyway but I do expect them to leave me alone and not pick on me like this.
I had noticed even earlier that she enjoys the whole day then sulks in the evening when hubby is about to come home.

I have dutifully been cooking for them but Sunday night in the uber she also mentioned that I don't allowed her to use the dishwasher!! When she was shouting on me while i lay in bed on Saturday she said she doesn't expect me to cook for everyone but to speak to them heartily( like personal things such as periods, during their first 2 weeks here I used to sit with them and chat with them making them comfortable but they don't want to respect boundary and want to enter my personal zone)

She was never told to stay away from the kitchen. She used to cook lunch for herself and fil and then used to keep the remaining for my hubby including tea when he returns from work. I used to eat some snacks or leftover since it was my own wish to do so.
In the evening I would enter the kitchen at 6 then cook dinner, set the dishwasher, do any other chores like making any chutney, ginger chillies paste, refilling grocery jars eith grocery, updating grocery list etc. Dusting all the furniture, cleaning whatever is dirty, wash clothes, wash kitchen towels.Do pooja at 7 pm, then after everyone eats clean the whole kitchen, and soak something for the next day. Yes, I used to ask them what to cook for dinner, I would suggest the dish and they would give the go ahead.

Now yesterday I told hubby that I will not touch it and she and him can do that work.
I haven't unloaded it in the morning too like I always do.

Now this is where my fear starts. I feel I am giving her exactly what she is asking for, drama.

If I cook and clean she makes it look like I am denying her some priviledge in her son's house and even makes me look bad in front of fil.

If I do not do it then she gets exactly what she wants and makes it look like I do not work in the house and I am living off my husband for free!!

What should I do? How should I handle this??? Please give some practical solution keeping her scheming nature in mind, so that I do not fall a prey and look more negative.
She has already made me look like a villain when I was indeed sick and played the victim card.

PurpleRoses · Aug 15, 2023

thegirlygirl said: ↑

@Sweety2016 thank you so much for your detailed reply. Yes, what you are saying is completely right

@lavani I can't thank you enough for your continuous support.

I knew beforehand that mil is a player and loves attention. But now the real drama has unfolded after a month's stay.

I never expected her to check on me, I did not feel like having any food so there was no question of asking her. She has schemed this.
After not checking on me the whole day long she overturned the whole thing in her favour maligning me in front of the whole family and made me look like a bad person saying I did not get up to speak to them. She brought crocodile tears in the evening after relaxing the whole day and said she didn't eat anything the whole day because I also didn't eat. I don't expect them to help me in anyway but I do expect them to leave me alone and not pick on me like this.
I had noticed even earlier that she enjoys the whole day then sulks in the evening when hubby is about to come home.

I have dutifully been cooking for them but Sunday night in the uber she also mentioned that I don't allowed her to use the dishwasher!! When she was shouting on me while i lay in bed on Saturday she said she doesn't expect me to cook for everyone but to speak to them heartily( like personal things such as periods, during their first 2 weeks here I used to sit with them and chat with them making them comfortable but they don't want to respect boundary and want to enter my personal zone)

She was never told to stay away from the kitchen. She used to cook lunch for herself and fil and then used to keep the remaining for my hubby including tea when he returns from work. I used to eat some snacks or leftover since it was my own wish to do so.
In the evening I would enter the kitchen at 6 then cook dinner, set the dishwasher, do any other chores like making any chutney, ginger chillies paste, refilling grocery jars eith grocery, updating grocery list etc. Dusting all the furniture, cleaning whatever is dirty, wash clothes, wash kitchen towels.Do pooja at 7 pm, then after everyone eats clean the whole kitchen, and soak something for the next day. Yes, I used to ask them what to cook for dinner, I would suggest the dish and they would give the go ahead.

Now yesterday I told hubby that I will not touch it and she and him can do that work.
I haven't unloaded it in the morning too like I always do.

Now this is where my fear starts. I feel I am giving her exactly what she is asking for, drama.

If I cook and clean she makes it look like I am denying her some priviledge in her son's house and even makes me look bad in front of fil.

If I do not do it then she gets exactly what she wants and makes it look like I do not work in the house and I am living off my husband for free!!

What should I do? How should I handle this??? Please give some practical solution keeping her scheming nature in mind, so that I do not fall a prey and look more negative.
She has already made me look like a villain when I was indeed sick and played the victim card.
Click to expand...

Hi, 1stly as all already told, you didn't had to share abt your periods to in-laws that too indirectly via husband. If you didnt want them to know, just don't tell.
If you had to take rest due to periods, just convey directly to MIL that you are not feeling well hence wouldn't be able to cook n request her politely if she can cook for you too.
The key to all your problems is just proper communication. You are messing things more due to being unable to channelize your negative energy esp about the in-laws.
No I am not supporting your in-laws but just want you to understand that inlaws n dil will never gel like family. Never. You need to create boundaries yet you cannot magically expect them to respect that. It takes time and especially when you are just a year into this marriage, things do take time to settle.
Even after 10yrs probably your inlaws wont respect your boundaries but you would have grown n matired by then in handling the situation in a better way .
When you cant sail your boat against the storm, sail through the flowof the storm!
Be diplomatic n smart in dealing with inlaws.
Don't pick fights with husband over inlaws dramas....trust us all...we all have gone through it in initial days of marriage n trust me nothing good it will do....rather mess your n your husband's relationship more.

How do you create boundaries? Boundaries doesnt mean you stay in your room n dont talk to her at all. It means you be cordial with them n continue doing what you used to do (cooking, cleaning, etc,,) and also ask her if she would like to cook or know how to load dishwasher n you show her how to do it. It's matter of few more days why to spoil your n husband's relationship due to your inlaws.

thegirlygirl · Oct 3, 2023

Dear ladies,

I'm back again with some more drama.
Pils are leaving this Sunday but want to create some more sensational drama before leaving.
I've been ticking each day since they arrived and was happy that it's just 7 days now.

Today morning after my husband left for work,
Mil confronted me and asked me why I'm unhappy, something similar to what she had done that time outside the restaurant to pinch me.
She went into a full melodramatic mode where she started saying things like I'm the lakshmi of their and if I'll be sad then the whole house will be sad and what not.

I told her after her pinching me that I did not feel any inclusiveness from them these whole 3 months, they made me feel like an outside. She started sobbing and went into a victim mode to console me etc. Fil was listening. After much drama I went to my room
Then I realised that I should have mentioned about her sisters behavior.
So I went out and asked them both to listen
Fil as I had expected did not know anything about this and was angry about it( he hates mil's sister).
She tried cleverly to dodge the questions but I brought her back to the point and she said she will talk to her sister.
They kept telling me that I'll get a hood job etc. Their son is bearing all the expenses but they dont mind.

From their conversation it was clear that tough they were denying it they want me to earn and bring the money.
Last night I even skipped dinner because I felt guilty about having free food.
Whenever I skip food she too doesn't eat and creates drama and takes all the attention.

My exam is now just 3 months away, I haven't prepared much. I'm currently taking physiotherapy for muscle strain below the neck which the physio told me could be due to mental strain.

I'm now totally confused.

Is my husband speaking through them? I know they are a team and they must have devised a plan to confront me on his behalf, while he remains a Saint?
Or is it just the in laws playing these games since their son's hand is tight and he can't send money easily for their other son's house mortgage like before?

I wanted to write about this earlier but didn't. They live in a house in india where my husband too contributes since his name is in it. They used to own a 1Bhk which they sold and bought a 2bhk after my bil( their younger son) got married. This happened before my wedding.
So basically bil lives there and contributes part of the mortgage while the remaining part is paid by husband and pils. So basically we pay for rent in canada as well as bil's house in india.

I'm so confused at this stage, I don't know who to trust. Should I confront husband again regarding this, or act dumb? What would go in my favour?

Anbhu · Oct 3, 2023

OP,

All those you have mentioned here and in previous posts are common Indian in laws problems. One or the other relatives from in laws side pick on some thing that is less or missing in bride or her side of the family. It hurts. But looking back incidents like these keeps people on the track to achieve these goals. You are on good career field. Your husband and some what is your in laws would know once you clear exams you would earn well. But I have seen couple of Pharmacy graduates who had the opportunity to give exams and become a pharmacist but did not proceed since it is a long path and there was no motivation to prove. It is your guilty feeling that makes you over think. Is your husband speaking through them? If he is speaking through them he will not get angry when you say it is his apartment. At least till I am very sure he is speaking through them I would give the benefit of doubt. Focus on clearing your exams.

thegirlygirl said: ↑

Dear ladies,

I'm back again with some more drama.
Pils are leaving this Sunday but want to create some more sensational drama before leaving.
I've been ticking each day since they arrived and was happy that it's just 7 days now.

Today morning after my husband left for work,
Mil confronted me and asked me why I'm unhappy, something similar to what she had done that time outside the restaurant to pinch me.
She went into a full melodramatic mode where she started saying things like I'm the lakshmi of their and if I'll be sad then the whole house will be sad and what not.

I told her after her pinching me that I did not feel any inclusiveness from them these whole 3 months, they made me feel like an outside. She started sobbing and went into a victim mode to console me etc. Fil was listening. After much drama I went to my room
Then I realised that I should have mentioned about her sisters behavior.
So I went out and asked them both to listen
Fil as I had expected did not know anything about this and was angry about it( he hates mil's sister).
She tried cleverly to dodge the questions but I brought her back to the point and she said she will talk to her sister.
They kept telling me that I'll get a hood job etc. Their son is bearing all the expenses but they dont mind.

From their conversation it was clear that tough they were denying it they want me to earn and bring the money.
Last night I even skipped dinner because I felt guilty about having free food.
Whenever I skip food she too doesn't eat and creates drama and takes all the attention.

My exam is now just 3 months away, I haven't prepared much. I'm currently taking physiotherapy for muscle strain below the neck which the physio told me could be due to mental strain.

I'm now totally confused.

Is my husband speaking through them? I know they are a team and they must have devised a plan to confront me on his behalf, while he remains a Saint?
Or is it just the in laws playing these games since their son's hand is tight and he can't send money easily for their other son's house mortgage like before?

I wanted to write about this earlier but didn't. They live in a house in india where my husband too contributes since his name is in it. They used to own a 1Bhk which they sold and bought a 2bhk after my bil( their younger son) got married. This happened before my wedding.
So basically bil lives there and contributes part of the mortgage while the remaining part is paid by husband and pils. So basically we pay for rent in canada as well as bil's house in india.

I'm so confused at this stage, I don't know who to trust. Should I confront husband again regarding this, or act dumb? What would go in my favour?
Click to expand...

thegirlygirl · Oct 4, 2023

They are really harassing me alot. I'm not sure if I can take it anymore or whether it's worth staying
I cooked fresh meals for them each day, I used to cook in the evening and clean and do dishes while they went sightseeing, evening walks and socializing with other parents.
Many days I spent at home just studying or watching tv with them because it was really distracting to study in their noise, then in the evening whether I've finished reading or not I used to cook meals while they took long walks outside.
But they just tell me now that they didn't expect food but that I should 'talk to them'.
I used to chat with them, really how is it possible that after staying with them in the same house for 3 months I may have not talked to them! But it's never enough.
They keep complaining about something other
Then they go into melodramatic mode and say that it will affect their health! They don't take any medication, they are fit and fine even then .
I'm the one on high blood pressure medication and now even need physio.
Am I supposed to entertain them.24_7 like a.clown!

I know mil is doing all this because I'm happy. She wants to see me overworked, gasping for breath each, that will satiate her. Even now if it gets ok, she will remain the same and she will continue to ruin my happiness.
Please advise me.
Should I stay?

On my front the situation is very bad too. It's my parents who forced me to apply for PR. I was happy there in my home.country and earning very stable amount as I had a gov job.
My parents talked me into this by brainwashing me over and over, it was my mother's dream to come to canada which dad never fulfilled for her. In her view only 'forward' countries meaning 'white' countries are worth living in! She Cribbed to my father all her life.

I've paid alot of money to come here and also resigned from my job back home..it.would be very tough to relocate back, and so will be surviving here.

If i really have to then I don't mind restaring my life here on my own.

MalStrom · Oct 4, 2023

You’re taking this way too seriously. Your in-laws are behaving in typical fashion. If you say A then they have to say Z.
Don’t engage in unnecessary talks with them for the last few days. Do what you’ve been doing. Then just smile and nod at what they say and ignore whatever you don’t want to do.