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Help! Im getting abusive to inlaws due to bad past

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by abc00, May 17, 2010.

  1. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    My inlaws have visited us for a vacation. They have told everyone in India that they are here to see the grandkids. Infact they have come for a vacation to see abroad and other fancy stuff.

    Back in history, they didnt treat me well as mine was a love marriage. They never were happy to hear my pregnancy news nor love my kids.She used to starve my during my pregnancy and hide the food.Now that my cosis is unable to conceive, they want to give the notion to outsiders that they are good grandparents who have come to visit the kids. In many cases, inlaws dont like DIL but love the kids,here they dont even talk sweetly to kids.

    I swore to myself to keep mum and just let the period go, but im unable to control myself sometimes and get into an argument with dh and becoming abusive (using harsh words when angry).

    My character is changing due to the devils around. They dont even feel happy when kids go near them. All they want is going around all the time and eating out.

    Im getting frustrated due to this and hubby is labelling me as cranky.Howmuchever may I avoid, i get the flashes of their past deeds and unable to move forward.

    Please help me to come out of this.
     
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  2. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    God sends us hard times in life to make us grow as individuals. If you keep this in mind you can turn this negative period into a positive for yourself which will help you deal with it. So some examples might be this is a period for you to learn to be Teflon (get your way without offending or negative consequences) or to learn patience or to be assertive. Disconnect from your emotional turmoil and try to be objective about your situation and how you are going to handle. You will get more balance if you can do this.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    My suggestion would be, since they conjure up a lot of bad feelings for you, keep your distance. Let your husbad have some "one on one bonding time" with his folks by letting HIM take them out places. For you it'd be "out of sight, out of mind". And if your inlaws really don't care about your kids the way you say they don't, then I'm sure they won't mind the chance to leave you and the kids at home, and spend all their time out with just your dh. If they want to spend time with your and your kids, they can. If they don't, they won't. That simple. And nobody has to be around anyone they don't like. Win win for all.
     
  4. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    hey ABC,
    It's difficult to forget what others did you in the past but it is important that you don't spoil your relationship with your husband.
    Since, they are only visiting you for a vacation, just keep reminding yourself- they will be leaving soon. Also, since they don't like to be near your kids and want to go around and eat outside. You can use it to your advantage-ask your husband to take them out while you can have a good time with your kids.
    ABC, no husband wants to see her wife cranky. Please understand he is also helpless as he also cannot do anything about what has happened in the past. Be calm always. Do tell him that you cannot forget and forgive your ILs for what they did but calmly.
     
  5. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

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    Ignoring is the key here. Keep your sanity in check. You do not want any fights between you and inlaws, because it gets only ugly from there, especially for you and you will have a hard time dealing with them all your life. Read my story if interested.

    Let this one pass i would say, one thing i have learnt from my exp is never take it out on your husband, because he hardly can do anything about it, you can share with him ofcourse but try to control what you say to him. Dont Break his heart like your inlaws do yours. You can surely do that for your husband for all the good times you had.

    Let them see the fancy stuff or whatever they want, let your husband and his pocket deal with it. They dont like your kids? I know how much that can hurt, as a mother, you cannot bear anyone disliking your kids, but again there are some Inlaws who become over possessive and dont let their moms touch their own kids. Kids are smart, so is your husband. They understand everything just dont say it. You just watch and give them the extra love they expect from the grand parents. Get gifts for your kids to make them feel happy if they feel bad about your inlaws behavior towards them.

    Ignore! Time shall pass before you know it.
     
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Ignore, dear.. Ignore!
    Ignore not your guests, but the flashbacks.

    Look at the big picture. What is the point in getting frustrated? Does it change your past? Does it 'improve' your relationship with your DH? Does it bring about a closure? Nothing. Infact it will do more harm than good. See you are already coming across as 'cranky' to your DH.

    Take it as a challenge and sail through it with no argument. If they like site seeing, let them do so. If they are not close enough to the kids, let them be so. End of the day, who is missing the pure love of the grandkids here?! Whose loss is it, anyways? Certainly not yours, right?! So do not get frustrated.

    Do your duty as a host. Go about your life. Treat this as the time when your DH is on 'family vacation'. Disturb him not. You will be duly rewarded for your patience and maturity.
     
  7. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

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    treat them as you would to any normal guests at home.. nothing more & nothing less.. trust me... it will work out...
    i do hope you were able to talk to your DH before they came that you are ready to adjust and set some ground rules...

    i am not telling you to forgive & forget like most.. because its not so simple for some things in life!! but you can ignore and not let them win or illtreat you again.. you getting cranky , ruining your mood due to their past actions mean they are winning over you again.. Dont let that happen... take time outs when you feel you are having too much of them..
    just consider this as a really long flight, the ones you take to India with not 1, but many screaming kids.. the only thing that saves your sanity is the knowledge that the flight will end soon and you will reach home!! so similarly this too shall pass & they will leave..
    Dont ruin yours & DH's relation due to them becuase thats not what you want them to have...
    You take the upper hand in planning trips for them.. but send your DH with them.. pack them food or whatever they need for the trip.. you stay back.. kids are the best excuse.. what if god forbid your kid gets a nasty cold and ruins the trip for them?? you wouldnt want that to happen to them right? ;) even they wouldnt since its pretty obvious they havent come for the kids but rather for sightseeing.. its their loss & your dh will realise it too...
    So enjoy your peace and break during that time...

    Be the bigger person here , the ILs might not realise but your DH will definitely notice.. he knows that you are still hurt bby what they did.. but seeing you behave decently will definitely forge the relationship better between u both and thats what you ultimately want right??

    whenever they get on your nerves, count to 10 and tell yourself that this too shall pass..
    Oh and btw this doesnt mean that you have to take all the crap they give if that happens even now!! Tell firmly what you think and want and stop the conversation from going south by just doing something else.. i do hope they have enough sense not to create too much of a scene for any issues after coming there...

    Good luck and vent away here instead of using dh for the mnths they are here...
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Here are the good things.You don't have to stay with them and take care of them.They are just here for vacation.First feel that,then you can take away your agner and be nice the amount of time they spend here.
    Coming to kids,you don't have to feel anger about it.They are the one who loosing love of small children and you are not loosing anything.
    Let them do whatever they like,sometimes if you can't accomodate the trip then just tell your husband about it.But don't get frustated.You are taking care of them for small time and be happy for it.
    What if,if you have to stay with them for your whole life.So compare the situation here and get into good mood and enjoy.
     
  9. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

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    I think you are going on the right path, but you are going way too ahead. I wouldnt forget about the past with ILs either. But dont grind DH in between. I think you need to keep the past in your memory so you dont make the same mistakes again, but remember that DH is on your side. Messing with him is not going to get you anything. Rather as others have mentioned, let them have alone time with DH. Stay as much away and as much busy as you can. Take your kids to the museum you have been wanting to, or call other kids home for a play date. Avoid being alone with ILs. Dont be rude to them, but at the same time dont be a marshmallow as well.
     
  10. swaran

    swaran IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey Abc

    i can understand how u feel after being illtreated by ur ILs and they again come back to u with smiling face to get their job done...it will be truely horrible to even look at them and have them around....

    But look at the other side...its gud tat people like them are not staying with u for their lifetime...they are just here for a visit...just treat them like u treat guests...treat them well...in tat way,u will not have any fights or misunderstandings with ur DH and can also have a smooth life even though ur ILs are around...dont care if they dont show love to your kids...there is nothin that u loose....they as grandParents are losing a lot as they fail to get the love which is the most important of all

    Dont worry...dont take tension on ur head and waste ur day thinking of all these unwanted issues...Trash them all from ur head
    Remain Calm and u ll be fine
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2010

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