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Help! I am dreading my visit to India

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by cyberdreamy, Jun 11, 2014.

  1. cyberdreamy

    cyberdreamy New IL'ite

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    I am new to this board. I cAME to USA after marriage 12 years ago.Ils were in India . Had less contact with them. I have 2 SILs in India very close to MIL and one of them moved in with them to babysit her kids. I have no problem with that even though they took big amounts of money and always abused us saying son did not take care of me.Few years ago I went for a looong visit with my 1 year dd they all literally made my life hell and whenever i visited my parents made their life hell too complaining about them and it took me a loong time to recover.

    I started working and after that paid only short trip to India with DH. My parents are very old and alone. Now there is an event in my family which I have to visit next month without DH. FIL passed away few years back and we moved MIL to USA and she stays with us. NOw she has gone to india for some personal work.

    Now I am dreading my visit to India replaying all old dramas and how to deal with them. I am getting stressed and start shouting back at them after keeping quiet for a loong time. THat only added fuel to the fire and add more issues.

    DH is sometime moma boy even though he loves me and DD.He'll do anything to make his mom happy and she knows how to press the guilt button. She expects the same kind of money support to her DDs in India.

    Now ladies please help me how to deal with the dramas if they show up. I dont talk all about this to my parents and make them depressed. I dont take much social support here too.

    Please help me how to deal with the dramas when I go to India?
     
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Be polite and firm.

    Be unapologetic.

    If they are trying to start a drama, wordlessly take your dd and leave the place - I highly suggest after you say, "you need to calm down first"

    Be cheerful

    remember their bad manners do not reflect badly on you. It is something they have to be ashamed about.

    do not engage with them at all - don't explain yourself or justify yourself or try to prove them wrong. It isn't worth it. Just leave the place the second they start being unreasonable.

    Spend as as less time as possible with them if they are prone to drama. invent event related work and say it is keeping you very busy.

    If they talk ill about you or your parents, without engaging with them, use a firm voice, confident body language, give eye contact and say, "that is very rude. I don't want to hear these disrespectful things" Then leave the place.

    In case they are visiting your parents and start abusing, politely repeat "you are unnecessarily creating a scene. You need to calm down." Do not respond regardless of what nonsense they say.

    Maintain your poise and dignity at all times - you can draw strength from it and make bullies back off by being strong and calm.

    Enjoy yourself. This might give you some confidence if they ever really treat you terribly - In India there is a powerful law - the 498a - which can be used by the women who are being harassed...
     
    3 people like this.
  3. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    hi cyberdreamy -
    u need to be calm and firm in ur conversations.. don't give scope to them to point ur tasks or at u... be firm and try being polite in ur responses.. do not drag conversations... realize when u r getting sucked into a fight and nip it in the bud...

    if u cannot, then leave the place, walkaway.. go for a walk, either to the end of the street or near by shop...

    keep things to urself private.. if u r buying something for urself and DD, do it quietly.. learn to hide.. some times it is good.. prevents unnecessary drama..

    finally ignore... the more you can ignore the more u will be at peace.. remember...

    prioritize on urself, ur DD and ur parents as much as u can.... be bold and defend them as required... but be firm...

    good luck..
     
  4. MaliniHari

    MaliniHari Gold IL'ite

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    Answer only when you are spoken to. No unnecessary talks. Talk on general things and healthy things.

    Dont get involved emotionally and offer advice or words to anyone.

    Be pleasant and keep a smile, you like it or not. Only if you make face things would go worse. Give no one the opportunity to complain about you.

    If you are asked of something irksome, brush it away with a smile or answer you are not comfy answering it.

    Be with people physically, dont be there mentally.

    Not necessarily should you spend the whole vacation with them. Tell them you have offerings or you have promised to visit friends and keep roaming. No one can blame you roaming there because everybody knows you should hurry things up bcos you are on a short vacation!

    Make no noise. Think of you parents. Enjoy the trip.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2014
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  5. TheUnhappyWife

    TheUnhappyWife Silver IL'ite

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    Guesshoo has given you very good points. In fact, all have provided valuable inputs. Chart out your own plan for India and stay with your parents as long as you like because your husband gets to stay with his mother! Why are you so afraid of doing the right thing ?

    OP, are you feeling any better reading these ? If not, then you need to develop inner strength to follow what has been suggested. If you cannot develop that mental strength that is required in this case, how do you plan to take care of your daughter in life ? So, please throw away any inner fears you have. In fact, face them.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2014
  6. cyberdreamy

    cyberdreamy New IL'ite

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    Thanks for the wonderful input. I wil try to follow. I wont make the same mistake of answering or shouting back as that is what they want. When they start a drama I'l make sure it becomes a flop. If I answer back that'll become a long megaserial.As you said I need my confidence back to deal with this.
     

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