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help for my sister

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by josruby, Mar 31, 2010.

  1. josruby

    josruby New IL'ite

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    :hide:Hi everybody,

    I am going through this site for a long time but this is the first time I am sending my post,

    I just wanted some help:

    I have a sister who is 26 years. We have been looking for a groom for her since a long time. and many guys reject her as she is bit on the heavier side, looks wise she is good and having a good job.Recently she is getting irritated over small things. She doesn't like to talk to anybody of my house and as the result my parents are having lots of tensions. She is not ready to listen to any things and blames that we are not searching properly (i.e. we are not putting in 100% efforts).

    Please give me your suggestions.

    Ruby
     
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  2. lakshmimys

    lakshmimys Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ruby
    Dont worry, it may be because of frustration. Dont try more on giving suggession to her, or blaming unnecessarily. There will be a guy for each and every girl. So tell her, even it would be late, but she will get best one...
    Gook luck.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. shantisubra

    shantisubra Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Ruby

    I really pity you and your sister / parents. Ruby, being on healthy side is not wrong at all. But its not good either. Why dont she work it out and bring down, this is not to only get alliances, but for her personal benefit also.

    Ruby, I had a colleague, who was on healthier side and was unable to conceive after few years of marriage. She was told by the Gynac to first reduce the weight to conceive and she literally lost few kgs and became pregnant and used to tell me, to pray God for her safe delivery and baby bless. I included her in my prayers also. She later delivered a healthy baby after being in bed rest, later left the job to take care of the baby.

    So for your sister if not now, later the weight should not play a part in her family life. Let her start working it out right now before late and meanwhile, she will gain her confidence and be cheerful which are good signs to get into marital bliss too.

    Good luck to her.

    Best Rgds
    Shanti

    PS:
    I used to be very thin before wedding and put on lots of weight and joined VLCC and worked it out and lost 5 kgs and still working out and lost 4 kgs. 15 kgs reduction is my target given by doctors.
     
  4. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Josruby,

    Your sister is in bad state now. Remember too many rejections [especially if the reason is physical appearance] will lower her self confidence and thats why she loses her temper. You and your family should help her to gain back her confidence. She deserves someone better.

    As all others say here, ask your sister to join a gym and work out. By doing this, she will be fit and healthy. Also feel good about herself.

    While looking for a groom, first exchange photos and see whether the guy likes her before meeting him. Do not burden her with too many rejections. Be careful in choosing the partner without hurting her.
     
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Ruby,
    Sorry to hear all this. First of all you need to call your sister and tell her that she is great as she is and will find someone.Boost her confidence and ask parents to completely avoid the marriage topic for now.

    Marraige is not the end of the world.Give the girl a breather.

    For the weight issue..give it a break and talk about it slowly later.

    Good Luck
    FL
     
  6. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Ruby,
    getting frustrated and hurting happens when people around your sister constantly talk only about marriage and alliances.
    It happened with me and my friends and still happens with one of my friend.

    26 is not late. and being heavy is definetly not a big reason. I am thin but still my parents found it very difficult and it took about 3 years of searching. people who are good natured (and money minded - stay away from them) will definetly not look at physical appearance.

    I am not sure how it is in your house.
    Don't bring up the marriage subject at all if possible. for any alliance that comes along, first thing let the parents talk, if any horoscope matching needed, then get it done, if the guy and the family like your sister, then show the groom's photo to sister and if she likes, proceed with seeing in person. try as much as possible to avoid alliances that say 'we'll see the girl first and then say'.
    Even with this approach the two or three that came along didnt work out for my friend. but atleast she doesn't have to get her hopes up through the entire process for every single one and feel bad when it doesnt work out.
    these things are not in our hands and if it doesnt work out then 'it was simply not meant to be'

    hey a word of caution - dont talk about money first. this happened with one of my colleague. she was heavily built and was 25 and for some weird reason she thought she should get married asap and finalized an groom saying they will put 100 soverigns throw a lavish wedding, etc etc. by god's grace the guy is a good one but they are just not compatible. both of them go through a lot of emotional pain and she hardly stays with him in his house.
     
  7. malinijamaica

    malinijamaica Senior IL'ite

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    This is exactly my story.But,now i am married and settled. But, I only had to accept an alliance in which i was not interested because of my fathers death.But, i know what was i going through then. I literally used to hate every one at home. Wish then i knew indus ladies to vent out my feelings.......i would not have hated my parents as i used to then.
    Let her be for herself. Dont pressurise her for any alliance which she does not completely agree for. Marriage is a part of life not the only thing in life. Ask your parents also to be cool and not take too much to heart because i can understand now what might your parents might also be going through. Just pray for God. Let her join some meditation classes, probably a few days away from home can definitely help her. And the best introduce her to indusladies.......This is the best place on earth to feel relieved from burden and start leading a LIFE literally.....
    I would like to thank INDUSLADIES through this....
    Regards,
    Malini
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  8. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Ruby,

    I'm sorry your sister and parents are going through a rough time... the constant stress would get to anyone. There seem to be 2-3 issues that are making it worse: parent's worrying about her age, her weight and the rejections affecting her self esteem, and everyone else in her circle getting married and getting on with their lives making her feel more isolated.

    Here's what I would have done:

    1. Sister feeling rejected - help boost her confidence, without mentioning the marriage, or the age/weight factor, just chill with her, try engaging her in things she likes or that you both used to do together. Don't be judgmental, and don't question her at this phase in her life. I've noticed this myself, once you are past a certain age in India, life can become very painful if you don't get married. Constant questions, constant rejection makes one feel more and more isolated.

    2. See if your sister is willing to register for one of the online matrimonial websites. It gives a much wider network of potential grooms, and one is able to think, process information and make decisions in a far less threatening and less stressful scenario (compared with suddenly meeting the groom and his largely infinite family.)

    3. Project this idea in her mind that marriage is not the end all for a girls' life. She has to carve out a niche for herself, no matter what. If you and your parents give her this confidence, it will help break the cycle of rejection and dipping self esteem etc...

    4. Like Mithy suggested: I second that exercising and doing something proactive about the fitness issue will make her feel much better and give her confidence. Physiologically, exercising boosts the feel happy hormones, and doing something proactively will only make her feel more empowered to make changes in her life.

    5. Maybe you could chat with her and see if there are any underlying unrealistic expectations at her end or at your parents' end with respect to the groom or a prospective family that might inadvertently be causing you to search in the wrong circles for her?

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2010
  9. kal123

    kal123 Silver IL'ite

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    O god...I hate this thing when people loose confidence for the single purpose that a "guy" rejected her...trust me..they all need Ash and Katrina....Please tell her not to worry cos they are all losers!!! and she doesnt have to worry for guys who go for looks ......... but as said tell her to be happy and healthy by going for gym .....(this is the reason why I suggest love marriage to people) uhh
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Why don't you help her lose weight? If guys are rejecting her based on weight, she's probably more than just 'a bit on the heavier side". My mil uses phrases for my sil like 'a bit on the heavier side' and 'healthy solid girl', yet she's pushing at least 60 pounds over weight. If that's the case with your sister, it's time to be honest with yourselves and look at REAL solutions, like weight loss. Afterall, too much extra weight can cause real life problems beyond just looks. My sil is pushing 40 years old and unable to conceive because of her weight. Doctors be damned, she won't lay off the jalebi even for a day. Maybe guys have heard of similar stories and are hence a little worried about your sis's future health.

    Being fat at 26 is neither healthy nor attractive. Tell her that instead of blaming you, she needs to lay off the bon bons and hop on a treadmill. Offer to go to the gym with her, or cook with her, or go for an evening walk together. Although it may be hard for you to deal with her negative attitude, think of it from her perspective.... she's probably a little depressed about her weight and the rejections from the guys. I'm sure she has started to feel like a piece of meat on the weighing scale by now. So try to be her rock of support and help her improve the situation. The others have given equally good suggestions. Good luck.
     

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